Letter across time
by MonaDelMar
Summary: After a devastating accident, Ray returns home to rebuild his life. While going through huge changes he discovers inspiration where and when he least expects it. Please review, even if it is just to say, I like it, or I don't like it.
1. The uncertainty of recovery

"**Accept the uncertainty of recovery, you cannot know every twist and turn in your journey toward healing." **_Clair Bradshaw R.N._

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been sitting in the corner for two months ever since he got back from his stint in residential rehab. He knew he had to deal with it some time, just not right now.

His mum had offered to sort it but he had declined the offer. That being said, if she continued to nag about it, he really would lose it. It was his shit to deal with and he would deal with it when he was ready, not before. Nobody pushed Ray Barnett when he dug his heels in. She should know that better than most.

He grinned and shook his head as he noticed his choice of expression. Well he still had heels of sort, he thought with a shrug, as he gathered his things and placed them in the basket.

Over the last few months he had become even more stubborn than the son his mother had raised. It was that stuborn, tenacious determination that had enabled him to rebuild himself; literally. He smiled as he realised, he quite liked the person he was becoming. He was much more self-assured these days and dealt with things in his own way and in his own time. One day at a time, that was what Jay his councellor said every day. He had learned the wisdom of patience. There was always tomorrow.

That box could wait. There were far more important things to deal with first. One day soon, he would be ready to face the ghosts that lay within, just not right now. One day soon, he might even be ready to go back to Chicago for a visit. Time was a great healer, so everybody said. In the meantime the box was doing no real harm other than collecting dust. His mother would just have to be patient. Right now he had to get to the centre for his physio session.

"Yes, that's right Barnett," he said aloud, "get your priorities right, first things first, don't run before you can walk."

Christ another one! This time, he laughed out loud, a deep, loud belly-laugh.

"Are you alright in there?" his mother called anxiously.

He rolled his eyes but acknowledged, he had only himself to blame for her vigilence.

"Yes, Jayce just coming," he said, as he turned and walked gingerly out of the room holding onto his walking frame.

He could stand and walk on his own now. But, at home and out and about, especially when he was carrying things, he still preferred the security of the walking frame with the basket on front. He was the youngest person in the neighbourhood by a good fifty years using one of these contraptions.

Ironically, it had been a great way to get to know the neighbours. He thought wistfully of his numerous conversations with Mr. Jacobs, a retired engineer, from round the corner about how the frame could be improved. Yes, it had proved quite the ice-breaker with some of the older folk around here.

Nonetheless he conceded, it did not help his gait and movement much and he knew it was almost time to go it alone but until his physio shouted stop he would continue to use it.

In all other respects he was ahead of his milestones. But the awful horror of falling flat on his face and having to ask for help, prevented him relinquishing his hold on this little baby. Pride and vanity had always been his downfall, he thought sardonically. Patience he had learned was a virtue to counteract both of those vices. Strange that the indignity of hobbling around with a walking frame was preferable to falling flat on his face. Some day soon he would throw it aside just not right now. For once in his life he was content to take things slowly.

For the moment he would content himself with small steps. God, why were all his metaphors so foot focussed today, he thought to himself raising his eyebrow in that quirky way he did.

His mother noticed his expression as he emerged from his room. She noticed everything these days.

"Are you OK?" she asked, concern etched on her face.

"Mom, I'm fine, honest. You've got to stop fretting. Its been more than three months. It was a mistake. I will never do anything like that again, I promise." he chided gently.

Jayce nodded, "C'mon, we're going to be late," she flustered as she headed toward the car, "will you lock the door after you?"

Stowing the frame in the back of the car, he made his way slowly round the car and eased himself gently into the passenger seat. His mum had the radio on full blast at some country and western station. By the set of her jaw, it was obvious she did not want to talk.

Taking her hand, he raised his voice above the music and said once more.

"I really am fine."

She turned and looked at him then turned the key in the ignition and put the car in reverse. He knew it would be a long time, if ever, before the doubt was erased from her eyes. Not for the first time, he cursed his own stupidity.

---------------------------


	2. Journey's begin

An opportunity had presented itself and he took it without thinking of the consequences. The circumstances were so incredibly stupid that he was sure he would get caught. He didn't.

----------------------------------

On leaving Mercy Hospital in Chicago, they had done a hospital to hospital transfer to the rehab unit in Baton Rouge. The process was fairly simple. His bed was wheeled to the discharge area. Once he had gone through the paperwork, they wheeled him to an ante-room. Someone helped him dress and transferred him to a wheel chair. The pleasure of not wearing a hospital gown. The pain of being so helpless. Once he was out of the bed and had been sitting in the wheelchair for a few minutes, he started to shiver. From nowhere, Katie produced his old parka and helped him put it on. It felt so good snuggling into something familiar. He smiled and thanked her. Then he sat hunched in his parka waiting for the tranfer to the ambulance.

They took the elevator down to a very crowded E.R. As they passed a line of trolleys in a very narrow section of corridor, there was a commotion just up ahead. An elderly man started seizing and fell off his trolley. Then everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Katie and the orderly who was wheeling Ray's chair ran to assist. A nurse just about to swipe into the drug lockup dropped his load on the empty trolley beside Ray and ran to join them. Ray sat in his wheelchair feeling totally useless.

He looked up at his mother. She was engrossed in the drama unfolding in front of them. It looked like the poor man had gone into full arrest. Katie and the nurse commenced CPR and the orderly ran to locate a crash cart. But still Ray sat there unable to assist. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. When he opened them again, he noticed that one of the boxes on the trolley had opened and some of the blister packs had spilt. Vicodin.

Frowning, the doctor in him wondered at the stupidity of the nurse who had been so careless. In County, an act like that would warrant immediate suspension. His mother was still watching the unfolding drama. Without really thinking, he reached and palmed three blister packs. He held them in his hands for several minutes expecting someone to ask him what he was doing. But nobody did.

Slowly and calmly, he opened his jacket and deposited the three blister packs in the depths of his breast pocket and zipped it up. Thanks to the padding, nobody would even know they were there but if he ever needed them he knew where they were. Then he hunched up once more in his parka disgusted by his helplessness and feeling close to tears.

-------------------------

Six hours later, after a thoroughly exhausting trip, he was finally in his room at the rehab unit in Baton Rouge. He was hungry, tired and in pain. After an orderly had helped him get into bed, a nurse arrived to do his obs. Jenny was very easy on the eye and had a very warm personality. Under normal circumstances he would have flirted with her but these were far from normal circumstances. Having finished, she told him she needed a doctor to sign off on his pain meds but she'd be back.

When she returned, he was languidly eating a sandwich. He barely had the energy to lift his hand to his mouth. His mother was tidying away his things. He noticed her hanging his parka in the wardrobe and wondered when she thought he'd have an opportunity to wear it in Baton Rouge but did not comment. Just then Jenny, returned.

"Ray, I've spoken with Dr. Martin, she'll be around as soon as possible. In the meantime, I'm putting up a drip as you are a little dehydrated after your flight and she's signed you up for some IV pain meds which I'll administer as soon as I've this sorted." she said as she proceeded to insert the canula. He was too tired to respond or react. Then she hung the saline drip, connected one to the other and went to get the drugs.

"You look all in," his mother said bending down to kiss him, "get a good night's rest, I'll be back in the morning."

"I've never felt as tired as this in my life," he mumbled incoherently almost asleep already, "what time is it?"

"Its just gone eight o'clock. Now I'm going, so you rest."

Despite being in considerable pain, Ray was almost asleep when Jenny came back with the pain meds. Whatever she gave him, he could feel it starting to work at once and before she left the room, he had drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

-------------------------------------------


	3. Day Zero

The next few days were sheer hell. The physical demands of his physio sessions were excruciating and he could see no progress. With each hour that passed, his sense of helplessness and hopelessness increased. He was shattered. He could not imagine a future like this, dependent on others for his every need. In his current state of mind, it was impossible to see an independent future.

-------------------------------

Day three; and his mother was there for his first weight-bearing session. He would never forget the agony when the table tilted forward and his weight bore down on the prostheses. It felt like red hot irons were shooting through him. He cried like a baby. She cried like a baby. It was awful. He begged them to stop to let him sit.

-----------------------------------

After, he just wanted to be by himself. Jaycee went home emotionally drained. He sat in his room for ages afterwards just staring into space. Was this what it was going to be like? A life of pain and helplessness? He couldn't do it. This was the day he hit rock bottom. This was day zero.

Gradually he could feel the anger bubbling to the surface. This was so unfair. What had he done to deserve this? Why was he being punished like this? He needed to get away. He wanted to kick. He wanted to lash. He wanted to run and scream. But he was stuck in this Godforsaken chair in this hellhole, unable to move unable to do anything for himself. He had to do something to change things. Then he thought about them.

Once the thought had planted itself in his brain, he could not get rid of it. It took hold and strangely it comforted him. He had a way out maybe not one that he had wanted or even considered but better than his reality right now. The sense of relief was immense. He went to the wardrobe, took down his parka and removed the three packets of pills. At last he had control of his life again he thought with a sense of excitement but no plan of action.

-------------------------------------------

He could hear people shouting but it was very far away. They pulled and tugged at him. They caught his face, they beat his chest but he just wanted them to leave him alone. Suddenly there was a loud buzzing noise and he could feel himself floating. Then he was being sucked up through a narrow channel towards the light. He was lying on his side and there was something in his mouth. He felt light as if he were floating. It was a pleasant feeling. His whole body was numb but a pleasant kind of numb. He couldn't move. He couldn't open his eyes.

He heard somebody say, "He's back."

Someone else said "Thank God!"

He felt warm, he felt content, and he felt safe.

Suddenly something pricked his consciousness and he thought in horror,

"Dear God, what have I done?"

In that moment, he knew that he did not want to die.

He fought to open his eyes but he couldn't. He tried to speak but there was something in his mouth, a tube. They were pumping his stomach. Thank God, they had found him on time he was going to be OK. He could feel the relief wash over him as he drifted into a drugged sleep once more. He was alive. He would come back from this he would be whole again. He was Ray Barnett; he was not going to let life get the better of him. He would fight this.

Then there was nothingness.


	4. Day one

When he woke, the sun was streaming through the window and he realised it must be morning. He was lying on his back. The sides of the bed were up and the head was raised slightly. He had slept through the night. He had no recollection of how he got into the bed but at least he was in his own room.

Apart from a sore throat and a slight headache, he felt pretty okay. He felt strangely calm. His overriding emotion was relief. He had hit rock bottom. Thinking he had a way out he realized almost too late, that it was no solution. Now the only way was up. As he tried to sit up he noticed the soft restraints.

He sighed and lay back in the pillows. Ah well, if he were the doctor in charge, he would have done the same thing. He was probably on quarter hourly obs. If so, there would be somebody by shortly. He would not have long to wait. Sure enough, less than ten minutes later, Jenny walked into the room.

"So, sleeping beauty has finally woken up," she quipped.

He gave a small laugh. Then he looked up at her and with a frown said

"Sorry."

"Sorry for what Ray?" she fired back rapidly.

He frowned, closed his eyes and said.

"For being so stupid, for causing so much trouble." His throat was a little raspy when he talked.

"You gave my colleagues quite a fright. Why do you say you were stupid?"

"I… I shouldn't have done it."

"Why not?"

"I" he paused for a few moments, "I almost died." He raised himself up on his elbows as the full horror of his actions started to sink in.

"Christ, I almost killed myself! How could I have been that stupid? I don't want to die."

"What do you want Ray?"

"I want… he faltered.

"Well?"

"I just want things to be the way they were before..." he stopped suddenly.

"Before what Ray?"

"Before…" he gulped and couldn't continue. He shook his head and started to hyperventilate. Then he broke down and cried.

Deep painful sobs racked his body.

Jenny raised the bed and held him as best she could without loosening the restraints.

"Sorry Ray, but I can't loosen the restraints until the psychiatrist has seen you."

He nodded. He knew the drill. He didn't expect any special treatment.

He had only himself to blame for his current situation. How could he have been so fucking stupid?

Things had been bad enough without taking an overdose. What had he been thinking? But that was just it, he hadn't been thinking. He had been reacting.

God, if only he could turn back the clock three weeks, he thought as he continued to sob.

Eventually he calmed down.

After a while Jenny asked, "How are you feeling now?", as she wiped his face with a damp facecloth.

"Really tired," he sighed. He closed his eyes and thought for a few minutes. Then he looked at Jenny again and said.

"I don't think I can cope with the physical demands of everything right now."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like, every day; there are new targets before I've achieved the targets from the previous day."

"Is that why you did it?"

He looked at her with a combination of shock and bemusement.

" I don't know…I guess so…

Maybe… I hadn't thought of it like that.

I just wanted everything to stop or at least slow down until I got my head round what has happened to me. I've been feeling more and more helpless since I arrived here. I had reached a point where I could see no hope for the future. I've been totally overwhelmed. I just need to get in a more positive frame of mind and rest up for a bit in order to give it my all."

"But Ray, you cannot just sit around doing nothing and feeling more and more sorry for yourself."

"I wouldn't fell sorry for myself."

"What was yesterday about if you weren't feeling sorry for yourself?"

He shook his head and thought for a while.

"It was despair. I felt completely overwhelmed.

Do you realise, this is my fourth day here and every day I go to physiotherapy there is another task added to my to-do list.

Yet, I have not succeeded in doing one simple task on my own."

The tears coursed freely down his face. "The list is getting longer and yet I can't even take a bloody piss on my own."

He looked at her and said plaintively,

"Nobody has even asked how I'm doing, what I want. All I hear is, keep going Ray, one more you can do it. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can. I always do.

Jenny, I need to experience some level of success some satisfaction before I can feel positive about myself and move forward even if it is only gaining the independence to take a fucking piss on my own." Tears welled up again. These were more tears of frustration. Every so often she took the cloth and wiped them away.

He nodded and continued, "Right now, I just feel exhausted. I need a break for a day or two."

"Dr. Walsh, the psychiatrist will be in to see you shortly. Try to explain all this to him. And Ray …"

"Yeah."

"Sorry I didn't make the time to talk before."

"Maybe, I wasn't in a particularly talkative mood."

"Then someone should have prodded."

He smiled.

"You know what? I feel kinda hungry."

"Well that's a good sign. I'll see if I can get you some cereal."

As she was leaving the room, she saw Dr. Walsh at the nurse's station reviewing notes.

"Good morning Nurse Proctor, I have not seen you in a while. How is my new patient this morning?"

"Not bad, all things considered. He's actually hungry."

"Good. Go ahead and get him something, I have another patient to review first. Has he complained about the restraints?"

"No, he knows the drill."

Dr Walsh looked rather baffled and repeated. "What do you mean?" he said with a puzzled expression.

"Has he a history that I don't know about?"

Jenny responded equally puzzled, "he's an ER doctor."

"What? Why isn't that in his notes? If he's a doctor, we need to be extra vigilant."

"Dr. Walsh, he seems quite open. I think he was simply exhausted and had some sort of meltdown. I don't think this was premeditated."

"Not premeditated! According to the batch numbers, he stole the vicodin from Mercy in Chicago. How much more premeditated can you get. I'd just like to know how they weren't discovered when he arrived. By the way, were you with Dr. Martin when she examined him?"

"Ahm, no."

"Its just I have all his records from Chicago here and your initial work-up is here but Dr. Martin's admitting notes are missing."

Jenny shrugged and shook her head, she really could not help.

"Look, go ahead and get him something to eat, I'll be by, in about ten minutes."

-------------------------------------------

Jenny returned to Ray's room with a bowl and spoon.

"Sorry Dr Barnett, but the only thing I could procure at short notice was Lucky Charms."

Ray smiled, "They're actually my favorites."

"Tut tut Dr Barnett, we'll have to get you on a healthy eating drive while you're here!" Jenny said in mock-horror.

"Some vices you will not cure me of," Ray said with a laugh.

"Ah ha! Any particular reason?"

Ray shrugged, then said a little sadly,

"I've always liked them."

Jenny knew instinctively that there was a story here. But that was a story for a future date.

"Ok, ready, open wide, I don't want to spill the milk."

With that she began to feed Ray.

The good natured banter continued back and forth and the scene seemed almost normal were it not for the fact that Ray was very obviously a double amputee confined to a hospital bed who could not feed himself because he was being restrained to prevent him hurting himself.

James Walsh watched the scene through the glass panel of the door for some minutes. He had known Jenny Proctor professionally for about four years and she had good instincts when it came to a patient's disposition. She had only ever gotten it wrong once about a patient in her care.

Based on what he had seen so far, she was pretty spot on this time.

Whatever had caused Ray Barnett to OD on Vicodin, he was not now exhibiting the classic traits of a young man who had just attempted suicide and failed. James Walsh was intrigued and determined to get to the bottom of this little mystery not least of all how Ray had got his hands on the vicodin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_This story has taken on a life of its own. When I started it was going somewhere else but the muses directed me here. Now I have a general outline but will have to see where it takes me. Thanks for taking the time to read and review._


	5. Gently does it

_I've hit a bit of a writers block. But have decided to post two chapters which I may switch around at a later date. Still not sure where this is heading. Really would welcome constructive criticism.__ Thanks for all your encouragement so far._

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

James Walsh hated working with Marisa Martin. He had been the consultant Psychiatrist attached to St Teresa's rehabilitation centre for six months now but so far he had had a very poor working relationship with Dr. Martin. Their encounters were fraught and he always felt he was treading on eggs shells. If he queried something she was on the defensive immediately. She always seemed so angry and resentful toward him, an attitude which quite honestly baffled him. Where possible, he avoided her, relying on her notes and getting background from the nursing staff and residents.

However, Ray Barnett's file was incomplete and he needed more background before meeting with him. With a sigh he headed toward her office in the hopes she would make time to see him. Sarah, the secretary was at her desk. He greeted her and asked to see Dr. Martin.

"I'm sorry Dr. Walsh, I'm afraid Dr Martin has been called away on urgent family business and I'm not sure when she'll be back."

"Sarah, Ray Barnett's case notes are incomplete, I wonder can you help?"

Sarah shrugged and shook her head in surprise.

"All completed notes have been added to patient files."

"Do you know who his admitting doctor was?"

"Just a moment let me check." A few clicks and she had patient details on her flat screen.

"That was Dr. Grossman."

"Is Dr. Grossman on duty today?"

"Yes, she just headed to the physiotherapy unit; do you want me to page her for you?"

"Please, I need to speak with her before I see the patient. I'll wait in Dr. Martin's office if that's ok with you."

"Yes. I'm sure Dr. Martin wouldn't mind."

Five minutes later and Jane Grossman was in Dr. Martin's office.

"Jane, thank-you for coming so quickly."

"How can I help, James?"

"Ray Barnett, you were the admitting doctor, what can you tell me?"

"Not a lot really, he was exhausted when he arrived so I ran through his admitting notes very quickly with him. He was very aware of what was going on and was fully agreeable with where he was at. In fact, he seemed pretty positive about his prospects. Everything seemed to be in order then I passed him onto Jenny Proctor to do his obs."

"Your admitting notes are not on file."

"That's strange; I definitely wrote them up and passed then to Dr. Martin. I spoke with her briefly after she called to see him later that evening. He was asleep so she didn't disturb him. I've just had three days off so I can't really tell you what's been going on since."

"You have been brought up to date about what happened yesterday."

"Yes, Jenny told me this morning. To be honest, I was surprised, although I only met him briefly; he struck me as a fighter."

"Did you have any suggestions at all in relation to his initial care?"

"Only that I recommended he rest up for at least the first 24 hours."

"Why was that?"

"Well, firstly, he was totally exhausted after his trip. Also from our brief conversation, I felt he needed a little time out just to process what had happened to him. He just struck me as a little overwhelmed."

"Was that recommendation followed?"

"I discussed it with Dr. Martin and she seemed to agree. She generally acts on her team's recommendations. She trusts us and gives us a lot of autonomy. I see no reason why this time would be any different."

James nodded. Maybe he had a wrong impression of Melissa Martin. Jane certainly seemed loyal to her boss and he got the same impression from Jenny and Sarah. Nonetheless, he felt something was remiss.

"Before I go in, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"Nothing related to his condition, my notes only concurred with what was already on file. But if it's of any use my roommate went to college with him so I had heard of him before."

"What did your roommate think of him?"

"Frankly, she was very surprised at how well he performed in med school. Appearances can be very deceptive sometimes. It always amazed her how effortless everything seemed for him."

"What do you mean by appearances can be deceptive?"

"Well, he had a really full social life. He was a bit of a player, if you know what I mean. Despite that and working part-time, he always came in the top 10% in his class. She said he was always a bit of an enigma."

"What do you mean?"

"Well he was in a punk rock band and was really grungy but under it all he was a fairly serious student, gifted in fact. He was pretty clean living. He drank some but he never did drugs, in fact she said although he tolerated his friends using them, he usually lectured them on the dangers."

James Walsh shrugged, "So, a punk rocker. Well that's a start. Nothing else comes to mind."

"No, she said he was a pretty decent sort."

"And was that your initial impression?"

"Well yes, but I hardly saw him at his best. Like I said, I did feel he was trying to make sense of what had happened; that's why I recommended at least 24 hours rest."

"Well I'd better go and meet with him. Thanks for your input Jane, it has been helpful."

----------------------------------------

Ray was dozing when James Walsh entered the room. He observed him for a few minutes and noted that he seemed reasonable relaxed, just the occasional twitch as he slept. He had some bruising and grazes on his face but apart from that the only obvious injury was the amputation. James noted the deep rings under his eyes. The man was obviously still exhausted. He wondered what was preventing him resting up. Well, better get this over with, he started to untie the restraints. He felt from observation and from his conversations with staff that Ray was no significant danger to himself.

As he worked untying the restraints, Ray jumped. James noted his agitation.

"Good, morning Dr. Barnett."

"Uh, hi." Ray said rubbing his hand across his face. Then he massaged his wrists.

"I'm James Walsh," he said extending his hand."

"You must be my shrink. Huh?" Ray asked gruffly.

James laughed quietly. "I absolutely hate that label."

"Yeah, me too," Ray said with a shrug, "Sorry."

"How are you feeling this morning?"

It was obvious to James Walsh that Ray Barnett was still pretty fragile.

Ray sighed, stared out the window for a few moments then said with a shrug,

"All things considered, reasonably good."

"No regrets?"

"We all have regrets."

"Any specific regrets?"

"My biggest regret is walking in front of that damn truck." Ray said bitterly.

"No other regrets?"

Ray frowned, "About what exactly?" he asked defensively.

"That you're still here?"

"Nothing like getting straight to point." Ray said grimly.

"There's no point playing games Ray."

"I guess not."

"Well?"

Ray simply shrugged.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to tell the truth about how you're feeling."

"Ironically, I feel better today than I have at any stage since I came here."

"Why's that?"

Ray closed his eyes and swallowing said, "I'm finally getting some rest."

James tried not to show his surprise as he pulled over a stool and sat.

"Have you not been resting?"

"No man, it's been pretty full on since I arrived."

What happened to Dr. Grossman's recommendation, why had it not been carried through? James Walsh was puzzled but covered up by saying.

"You're used to a fairly intensive work schedule, this must have been quite normal for you." James challenged.

Ray closed his eyes and sighed once more.

"I didn't feel ready. In fact, I still don't feel ready and yet I seem to have more and more challenges to meet." Ray could feel tears welling again. He breathed deeply. Never before, had he felt so helpless. To date, whatever challenges life had dealt him, he had sailed through. He was not used to feeling defeated. But everybody has their limit, even Ray Barnett.

James could see he was struggling.

"Have you been sleeping well?"

"Not since I got here."

"Have you been in pain?"

"No more than usual."

"So why can't you sleep?"

Ray struggled to get his thoughts together.

"I just can't seem to switch off. I keep thinking about all that has happened to me. Then I think about what lies ahead and it just seems impossible. I have long physical sessions at the gym where everybody expects so much of me. Everything just seems so goddamn difficult. I feel so helpless. I just want my independence back. I hate asking for help but I can't even take a fucking piss on my own. I've spent the last number of years building a career and now I don't even know if I can go back to it."

The tears streamed down his face as he spoke and he rubbed his hand across his face furiously.

James Walsh looked at Ray intensely but said nothing. Both were silent for a while.

Then James asked gently. "Is that what made you decide to end everything?"

"I didn't decide anything." Ray said angrily,

"I was just exhausted after 3 days intensive physiotherapy. I was in pain. The tablets were there and I just took them without thinking. I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to slow things down, make things stop for a while."

"Had you spoken to Dr. Martin about your exhaustion?"

"I only met her for about 5 minutes that first morning. Her resident did rounds the following two days and you're the first doctor I've spoken to today."

Now James Walsh was really puzzled but he tried not to show it. He reached out and touched Ray's shoulder.

"Ray we need to talk some more but right now I think you need to rest. I'll recommend all your sessions are cancelled today. I've some more patients to see but I'll call back later. Don't worry; things are going to get better."

Ray felt a wave of relief wash over him. For the first time since he arrived in Baton Rouge, he felt he had an ally.

"Another thing, until we decide otherwise, I think I'll restrict your visitors to family only, at least for a day or two."

"Thanks Dr. Walsh."

"Now, try to relax. Today is a stress free day, ok?"

Ray nodded.

"Dr. Walsh?"

"Yeah?"

"Could someone get a message to my mother and ask her not to visit today. I just… I just…"

The older doctor put his hand on Ray's shoulder.

"There's no need to explain. I'll phone myself if needs be. Now try and relax. I'll close the blinds and shut the door. I'll check back in on you later when I've finished my rounds. Maybe by then, we can start to put together a plan of action about where we are heading from here. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

Ray looked down at his hands, sighed and said "Just that I … I'm relieved that I'm still here."

Jim Walsh shook his head as he closed the door behind him. He could relate to some of what the young man was going through. Thankfully he had survived his own personal purgatory. He only hoped that Ray Barnett could come back from this and rebuild his life. Based on what he had just observed, he was optimistic. He knew from personal experience one could come back from almost anything and thrive.


	6. Another time, another place

November 9. 1989 one of those red letter days.

Everybody knows where they were when Kennedy was shot, when Armstrong walked on the moon or exactly what they were doing when the images of 9.11 were flashed on TV screens across the world. So it was with that momentous night in Berlin, the night the wall came down.

Jim Walsh had been right in the centre of the action with his beautiful young wife Carrie and their 12 year old son Jake. Both he and his wife Carrie were recently qualified Trauma surgeons stationed at the American Military Hospital in '_Dahlem_' in South West Berlin. They had been stationed in Berlin for two years and were due to be discharged in less than 18 months. Life was good. Berlin was a great city and American Military personnel had a great life there. It was no battle zone and they looked forward to serving the remainder of their military service quietly before returning home to life in some anonymous American city suburb.

-----------------------------------

Every detail of that night is etched on his memory forever. He finished work at 8pm and walked the three blocks to his home in about five minutes. As he was getting out of the shower, he heard simultaneous shouts from the living room.

"Dad, come quickly."

"My goodness Jim, come quickly."

He threw on a bathrobe and raced barefoot to the living room. His wife and son were on the sofa transfixed staring at the TV set. His wife heard him enter and turned.

"It's incredible, they've opened the borders!"

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"He sat beside his son and watched as people climbed onto the wall in front of the '_Brandenburg Gate_'. There were shots of people pouring through '_Checkpoint Charlie_.'"

Jake turned to him.

"Dad, can we go into the city?"

"I don't know Jake. Things look pretty crazy in there."

"Please?"

"Jim, we would be living through history."

Jim groaned; he knew he was outnumbered. When they ganged up on him like that, it was a lost cause. What the heck, he was not on until twelve tomorrow.

"Do I at least have time to get dried and dressed and grab something to eat?"

"Sure" Carrie teased, "You have, at least half an hour, right Jake?"

"Twenty minutes and counting."

"Put too much pressure on and I'll change my mind."

"No you won't dad. This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't want to miss it." said Jake dancing round the room.

"Ok, but we need to dress warmly it's a cold night."

Carrie laughed as she reached up and kissed him. With that he hurried off to get ready.

Less than an hour later they were abandoning their car somewhere in '_Tiergarten_', not far from the '_Ku'damm_'(one of the main shopping streets in West Berlin). They walked up '_Strasse des Siebzehnten Juni_' towards the '_Siegesaule_' monument in the centre of _Tiergarten_. Then they continued along the street toward the Brandenburg gate. The atmosphere was electric. Berlin, the city that never sleeps was certainly alive tonight.

The area in front of Brandenburg gate and along the wall towards '_Potsdammer Platz_' had become one enormous fair ground. 'Imbiss Stube', the German equivalent of hot-dog stands, were doing a roaring trade. Although any East Berliners who had made there way over were being handed food and drink for free, West Berliners were expected to pay.

Spontaneous concerts were breaking out all over the place. Border guards looked on from their sentry posts but did not intervene. They were to all intents and purposes redundant but they had not yet been relieved of their duty. As of now, people could come and go pretty much as they pleased.

There were loud cheers as the first Trabis (the nickname for the East German Trabant cars) drove through 'Checkpoint Charlie'. Carrie remembered to bring her camera and was busy recording the event for posterity. They walked through Checkpoint Charlie, unhindered, and up Friedrichstrasse. It was significantly quieter and darker on the eastern side of the border. Most people were going the opposite direction. Although that being said, it was still fairly lively. When they came to Unter den Linden, they turned left and walked toward Brandenburg Gate.

As they neared the gate they could see the people on top of the wall. Most people were looking west. They asked a passer-by to take their photograph. What an irony, three American citizens standing in East Berlin in front of a redundant border between East and West. Three smiling faces in front of a grey wall, over which peeped the Brandenburg Gate and topping the wall were silhouettes of hundreds of people. Yes they were truly living through history.

It was a bitterly cold night and Jim was glad that he advised his family to dress warmly. It was icy underfoot as they made their way to Friedrichstrasse Station but a polite guard refused them entry explaining in very broken English that only people with tickets for Deutsche Reichsbahn (inter-city rail) were being allowed through. The authorities had closed the S-Bahns(local trains) and U-Bahns (subways) fearing accidents. People were free to cross the border on foot as often as they wished. For the moment, that was the safest and only mode of transport. Although a few dozen trabis had been allowed through at each border point, no cars were driving west to East at the moment.

It was almost 1am and Jim estimated it would take about a half an hour to make their way back to the car. Whatever, they would probably never again experience a night like it in their lifetime. They turned and headed back to the West.

A queue at Checkpoint Charlie added fifteen minutes to the return trip. There was still a steady stream of pedestrians pouring from East to West. Shortly after 1.30am they found their car. Carrie offered to drive and he didn't object.

Once they were on the motorway it was a no-brainer, just a question of pointing the car towards home. Their exit was at '_Dahlem_'. As he dozed he felt the car slow down.

Just as Carrie took the turn-off he heard her gasp, "Shit!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All words in italics are place names in Berlin.

Please note, certain details of the night of 9th Nov 1989, may not be historically accurate. If anybody wishes to correct such details, please feel free.


	7. The blink of an eye

Everything happened in slow motion after that.

He opened his eyes.

Dead in front of them was a turquoise 'trabi' chugging up the off ramp much too slowly. Before Carrie sounded the horn he saw the car signal it was pulling right. Thank God, the driver had seen them. God Bless him, despite his car he was a good driver. Carrie braked and moved to the left. Just as they cleared the 'trabi', he felt the car shimmy.

Instinctively, Carrie put her foot on the brake and the car went into a full skid. It danced and spun like a crazy thing, glancing many times off the concrete barrier on the left hand side and eventually going into a full spin. When it came to a grinding halt it was faced back the way it came, the driver's side was folded around a tree. In the glare of the car lights Jim could see the turquoise 'trabi' some yards back. The doors were open and the occupants were running towards them.

He looked across at Carrie. The steering wheel had pinned her to her seat. She was unconscious. His doctor's instincts told him she was in a bad way. Before he could do anything the screams started. Dear God, it was Jake. He looked back but could not see his son. Carries seat had been pushed back on top of him.

"Jake, Jake, its dad I'm coming. Please be brave."

The occupants of the trabi were there and were trying to open his door. While the screams tore at his heart, he reached across and felt Carrie's neck, she still had a pulse. The occupants of the 'trabi' arrived and started yanking his door handle. After a few attempts his door gave way. The man mumbled something and he thought he said "Aerzte".

He responded back "Ich bin ein Arzt." (I am a doctor.) The man responded in poor English. "I am doctor, please not move until I check." Jim nodded.

By now some other cars had stopped. Someone was going to phone for help he asked them to contact the emergency services at the American Military Hospital at Dahlem and tell them they were army personnel.

From the way the occupant of the 'trabi' was examining him he knew the man was a medic. The only apparent injury he had was some sore ribs. One might be broken but he figured they were only bruised and he might have whiplash. The same was not the case for his wife and son. Please God just let his wife and son survive. As soon as ever he could, he got out of the car and made his way to the back of the car. His son continued to cry.

He asked the lady to let him into his son. She explained in broken English that she was a paediatrician. He explained in his best German that he was a trauma surgeon and just wanted to assess his son and reassure him. Then he added.

"Can someone please see to my wife?"

With this he climbed into the back seat of the car. What he saw horrified him. Dear God, why had Jake not been sitting behind his seat instead of Carrie's.

The driver's seat was pushed right back and Jake's legs were crushed under it. In addition his left arm, where he had been leaning on the door handle, was trapped between the drivers seat and the back door. Until his mother was freed, he could not be freed.

His screams had died to a dull moan, "Dad, it really hurts."

"I know son."

"Please Daddy, don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere, son."

The paediatrician introduced herself as Gisela and explained that as far as she could ascertain, Jake had no internal injuries and there was no obvious sign of a head trauma or spinal injury. Until he was freed, it would be difficult to ascertain how much damage, if any, had been done to his arm and legs. Both doctors checked and he did not appear to be losing too much blood. All they could do for now was keep him comfortable until he was freed. He was in no immediate danger, they had time. It was cold and Jim asked for blankets and explained there were some in the back of the car. Then, it was just a matter of waiting.

In minutes, the rescue team arrived from Dahlem. The paramedics put up drips then moved aside to enable the fire crew to begin the rescue. They pulled the car away from the tree. Jim remained in the car with his family as they began cutting through the metal. He held his son and mumbled reassurances. They folded back the roof like one would the lid of a sardine tin. Then they removed the steering column. Ever so gently the two paramedics and the two doctors from East Berlin moved Carrie onto a backboard and transferred her to the ambulance.

A second ambulance had been called as the medics did not want to delay Carrie's transfer. Gisela's partner Torsten offered to travel with her so that Jim could stay with his son. Gisela remained behind with Jim as the firemen carefully and gently cut away the driver's seat. To start with, they removed the back of the seat.

As soon as his arm was free, Jake started moving it. Thank God, Jim thought to himself, no major injury there. There was a gash on his upper arm but nothing that a few stitches would not fix. Maybe his luck would hold. He held his son. Jake howled as the firemen removed the car seat slowly and gently.

The sight that met him turned Jim's stomach. The trauma surgeon in him knew that this was not good. The pressure of the seat had stemmed the bleeding but now that the pressure was gone the paramedics were working frantically to staunch the flow of blood. His sons legs were a mess. Without examining them Jim figured there were extensive crush injuries to both legs below the knees and Jakes left foot was quite literally hanging on by a thread.

"Dr. Walsh, we have no orthopaedic specialist on tonight, I recommend we request an immediate transfer to the Steglitz Clinic."

Jim looked at the paramedic.

"Okay, can you radio it through. What about my wife?"

"Your wife is in good hands, you need to stay and support your son."

Jim nodded,

"Okay, lets get going."

Very carefully and gently they moved Jake onto a stretcher and transferred him to the ambulance. Gisela offered to travel with them and as she was the only native German, the three American medics welcomed the offer. The admitting procedure could be problematic if you did not have a fluent German speaker to assist. In the days, weeks and months after the accident, through all his grief and doubt, he thanked the Lord for that one favour. What were the chances of two experienced medics being present to assist with Jake and Carrie.

------------------------

The next few hours went by in a blur of form-filling and arguments. Jim was so grateful for Gisela Schmidt's support.

The arrogant orthopedic surgeon, who had admitted Jake, recommended immediate amputation of both limbs citing all sorts of outdated examples. Given Jake's youth, Jim knew his chances of making a full recovery were high. Jim refused immediate amputation and Gisela backed him. They would wait 48 hours before reviewing Jake's condition. In the meantime, he was admitted to surgery to carry out some tissue repair and insert pins where possible. It was a little like putting together a thousand piece jigsaw. All they could do was pray and hope for a miracle.

------------------------

So it was that a little over an hour after admission, Jake was in surgery. While he was in surgery, Jim made the 10 minute taxi ride from Steglitz Clinic to the American hospital at Dahlem. When he arrived, he went directly to the ICU.

By some fluke, Carrie, albeit deeply unconscious, was still breathing on her own. Jim was not sure if that was a bad or a good thing. That was the only good news. She had a fractured skull and there was some brain swelling. There was also a possibility that there was some bleeding on the brain. Neuro obs. pointed to severe brain damage.

The steering column had broken her sternum and she had several fractured ribs. Although there was indications of swelling round the heart, neither lung had been punctured. For the moment, although laboured, she was breathing unaided. That, however, could change in an instant.

------------------------

Mike Taylor, the consultant neurologist at the medical centre entered the ICU and touched Jim's shoulder.

"How're you holding up?"

"So far, so good." Jim said feebly.

"Have you been examined."

"I just have some sore ribs and possible whiplash. I should be okay."

"How's Jake?"

Jim outlined the nature of Jake's injuries.

"Jim, he's young and strong. Regardless of the outcome, he will overcome his injuries and go on to live a normal life."

Jim nodded.

He paused and cleared his throat nervously, " Now we need to talk about Carrie. I presume you have power of atorney?"

"Yes".

Mike joined his hands. Bending his head he pressed his joined hands to his mouth as though in prayer.

Then he raised his eyes and looked intensely at Jim. After what seemed an eternity, he began to speak.

"Jim, we're both medics here. I need to speak frankly. Carrie's prognosis is not good. We can't give up hope but I believe it is highly unlikely that she will make a complete recovery. In fact this could be as good as it gets. We both know that given the circumstances, she would want Jake to be your priority. He needs you more than she does right now."

"I can't just simply abandon her to be with Jake."

"I'm not suggesting that at all. I think we should transfer Carrie to Steglitz. I can request that I continue to be involved in her care as I have priveleges there. It would make it easier for Jake to visit his mother."

Jim's shoulders slumped.

"Do whatever you need to do. You're right, Jake needs his mother close by. He needs to be able to visit her."

"Ok, she is scheduled for a CT scan at 9am. We'll organise the transfer for straight after. I can't see that there will be any problem."

Jim decided to head straight back to Steglitz and await his wife's transfer. He wanted to be there when his son came around after his operation.

By midday, the entire Walsh family were in the Steglitz clinic. Jake was in the Paediatric Orthopaedic unit, having already been moved from post-op and Carrie was in the ICU. When Jim was not at his wife's bedside, he was with his son. Jake was heavily sedated and was sleeping most of the time.

Some time earlier, Thorsten Schmidt had arrived to collect his wife. They were both still extremely distressed about the accident. Jim assured them that he did not hold them responsible. They headed back to Potsdam, where they both lived and worked. Little did he know that they would become a mainstay of his life over the next while.


	8. A new reality

The morning of 11th November 1989 dawned. Armistice Day. At 11 minutes past 11, Jim found himself in the Steglitz Clinic in Berlin. He had dozed intermittently the night before by his son's bed. Jake had a reasonably comfortable night, ate a light breakfast and was now resting once more. There had been no change in Carrie's condition. Jim had been to the ICU twice already this morning. Another 24 hours would tell a lot.

When Jake woke again, Jim organized to bring his bed to the ICU so that he could spend some time with his mother. He explained to the boy that Carrie was in a deep sleep but that it was a good idea to talk to her and hold her hand. He told Jake that if he talked to her, she might dream about him and know he was safe.

Jake asked some hard questions once he was with his mother.

"Why is she sleeping dad?"

"Because she hurt her head in the car crash."

"When will she wake up?"

"I don't know Jake. She might sleep for a very long time."

"Is she very sick daddy?"

"Yes Jake, she's very sick."

"Why are all the machines here?"

"To help the doctors."

"To make her better?"

"I hope so."

Is she going to get better daddy?"

"I don't know Jake."

"Am I going to get better?"

"Yes, Jake you are going to get better."

There was silence for a while except for the blip of the heart monitor. Then Jake sighed and asked,

"Is she going to die dad?"

"I don't know son" Jim said and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I hope she gets better like me but if she doesn't I don't want her to stay like this."

He looked up at Jim; Jim could see the unshed tears.

"Out of the mouth of babes." he thought.

He shuddered, clasped his son to his chest and they both wept for the first time since the accident. While they cried, Carrie slept unaware and unmoved by her family's grief.


	9. Grief

Finally Ray Barnett had time to grieve.

After two and a half weeks he had been allowed to break down and feel sorry for himself. No more pretence, no more bad jokes about the advantages of good parking spots. While he grieved, James Walsh raged. Somebody in this facility appeared to have slipped up and he was determined to find out, whom. Marissa Martin really had a lot to answer for but where was Marissa Martin?

----------------------------------

James Walsh stormed toward Dr. Martin's office.

"Sarah, is there any sign of Dr. Martin?"

"Not yet, . I've instructions only to contact her in case of emergency."

"This is an emergency. I want to call an emergency case conference with regard to Ray Barnett today. I have serious concerns about his care since he arrived here."

"Bear with me a moment, I'll phone her."

With that Sarah turned and pressed her speed dial. After a number of rings she turned to Dr. Walsh.

"She's not answering; I'll wait and leave a voice mail. Ah, here goes."

Jim tapped his foot in annoyance.

'Dr. Martin, I'm sorry to disturb you, Dr. Walsh is here with me; he wants to call an emergency case conference for this afternoon. Can you call back as soon as you get this message?"

Sarah looked at Dr. Walsh.

"She checks her voice mail every hour or so, so she will call back fairly soon."

"Is she away from the office a lot?"

A grave look crossed Sarah's face and then she smiled and said.

"Her husband has been unwell."

"Oh dear I'm sorry to hear that, I trust he's on the mend."

"I really can't tell you anymore."

She did not need to say more. James Walsh knew by her expression, it was serious. Suddenly, he felt like a bit of a heel.

"Ok, well, can you let me know when she calls? Tell her I can work around her timetable. I'm here until 8pm this evening."

"Ok, Dr. Walsh, I'll page you to confirm the time of the case conference."

"Thanks."

James Walsh knew enough to know that whatever was going on in Marissa Martin's private life, he needed to tread carefully. Maybe he had been reading this woman wrong. Whatever stress, she was under in her private life may have contributed to errors in Ray Barnett's care but he knew he needed to deal with her compassionately.

--------------------------

While James Walsh waited for Marisa Martin's call, Ray Barnett dozed fitfully. He dreamt he was running but then he looked down and he had no legs. He woke up with a start. He was crying. He allowed the tears to flow unchecked. Nobody came into his room but he knew they were keeping him under observation. If he needed anybody, all he had to do was press the call bell. But right now, he just wanted to be on his own and to do as little thinking as possible. He was so tired. All he really wanted to do was sleep.

At lunchtime, someone brought a tray of food and he did eat some. Then he dozed for the afternoon. But try as he might, he could not fall into a deep sleep. He tossed and turned but could not settle. He was exhausted but he kept replaying what had happened to him in the past three weeks. When he thought of the future, all he felt was terror. What was to become of him? He really loved working as a doctor but how would he ever practice medicine again?

---------------------------------------

It was 6pm before Marissa Martin called. James was updating patient notes.

"Dr. Walsh, I'm sorry it has taken me so very long to get back to you. I … I have a lot going on at the moment. I'll be available in twenty minutes if you don't mind waiting."

James watched what he said.

"Don't worry I can wait until you are ready. I just want to make sure that we are all agreed on best practice going forward, with regard to Ray Barnett."

"I…I understand, Dr. Walsh. I'll see you here in twenty minutes."

At the allotted time James Walsh was waiting outside Marisa Martin's office. She opened the door and beckoned him in. He noted her gaunt appearance.

"You wished to discuss Ray Barnett?"

He noted her defensive tone of voice. If he did not proceed carefully, this meeting would degenerate into a pitched battle with no winners, least of all Ray Barnett.

"Before we start discussing Ray, would you please allow me to say a few things?

I've been working here for a few months now and I can't help but feel we got off on the wrong foot."

"Dr. Walsh, I really don't have time for this right now."

"Dr. Martin, I'm not out to cause trouble. I just can't help but feel we've been reading each other wrong. You know as little about my background as I do about yours and I can't help but feel that each of us have been jumping to conclusions about the other.

Allow me to fill in some of the blanks. When I qualified first I worked as a trauma surgeon for the American army. After a number of years I came to realise that very often we were patching up the wounded and sending them home with very little thought for their aftercare and even less for their mental health and ongoing well-being.

When I left the army, I applied and took a residents position in psychiatry hoping to revolutionise the mental health system." He allowed himself to smile at his little irony.

"I have not succeeded yet but I'm still trying. … … I'm a firm believer in the premise that "Prevention is better than cure that's why I jumped at the opportunity to work here."

He paused then continued.

"Many disabled people who end up in long-term psychiatric care, originally suffered from undiagnosed and untreated PTSD. Very often they were young people who came through units like this where if they had had a psychiatric assessment as part of their rehabilitation may never have descended into full blown mental illness."

"That's some speech doctor." Marissa Martin said sarcastically.

"Doctor I would like you to view me as an asset to this facility not someone to be kept at arms length. I believe you are suspicious of me. Believe me when I say, I'm not the enemy. I believe in a holistic approach to rehabilitation. If we doctors work in isolation, we are not working in the best interest of the patient. At the moment, I am only consulted when your patients have a crisis as has happened in the case of Ray Barnett. I should be consulted at some level in all care plans. I can, at the very least, play devil's advocate."

"Dr. Walsh, maybe you're right, maybe its time to start afresh. I had such a bad working relationship with your two predecessors that I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. I apologise for that."

"Apology accepted."

He knew that this might be a step too far but he took a chance anyhow.

"You mentioned that you have some family worries and I heard a rumour that your husband was not well, is everything alright?"

"End stage Motor Neuron Disease, so no everything is far from alright at the moment. I admitted him to a nursing home three weeks ago. It's just a matter of time." Marissa responded in a very clinical tone as she started out the window. James was not fooled he could see the grief etched on her features.

"I'm so very sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?"

She laughed sadly,

"Not unless you know a PM and R specialist, I've been trying to get a qualified locum for the past three weeks but there's nobody available in this part of the country. I'm working the minimum number of hours but the cracks are starting to show as is evident with what happened to Dr. Barnett. I really need a dedicated experienced person here full time. I have a very small team, only four residents. They're a fantastic bunch of people but apart from Jane, they lack the experience."

Although she was talking very matter-of-factly and clinically, James could see the pain and anxiety etched on her features. Marissa Martin had been carrying a huge burden for far too long. He also, for the first time, understood how passionate she was about her work.

"Dr. Martin, it's patently obvious, that given your current circumstances you are doing as good a job as you possibly can. At least you have not abandoned your responsibility to your patients and staff. That is truly admirable."

He could see her eyes starting to water so he changed the subject.

"Look, its obvious you need a locum, I'll ask around, you'd never know I might find someone for you."

Ironically Jim did know somebody. But that somebody might only be available for a few weeks. There was no point getting Marissa Walsh's hopes up just yet.

"Do you have a good support system Dr. Martin?"

"Dan is an only child and his parents are dead. My parents and sister are in California. They've been taking it in turns to come as often as they can. Other than that, we have a group of close friends who offer us as much support as they can."

"Do you have children?"

"No we decided to wait a while. Then Dan was diagnosed and things just moved so fast…" her voice trailed off.

Marissa's predicament struck a chord with James.

"Dr. Martin, can I just say, I think you're a very strong, brave, lady and anything I can do to help I will."

"Thanks." she said with a gentle smile, "It's Marissa, by the way."

"Marissa," James nodded smiling, "Call me Jim. Now let's discuss Ray Barnett. May I suggest we talk with his care team?"

"I'll let you take the lead on this. I… think you know him better than I do."

"You're comfortable with that?"

"Jim, my priority is always what is in the best interest of the patient."

"Ok, before we call everybody together, can I just ask, have you any idea what might have happened to his missing notes?"

"No. I put them on the file as soon as I and Jane had discussed them. I fully agreed with her recommendations. Geoff Jacobs, an R3, was in charge of the team while Jane was off. He is equally as dependable as Jane..."

… Suddenly she stopped and blushed. "I… I've just remembered; he tried to contact me on Tuesday morning. He said he had a query with regard to Ray's file. But I was talking to Dan's consultant at the time so did not have time to talk. I told him to follow the recommendations on file and where there was any uncertainty to follow standard procedure. He followed standard procedure. We usually pursue a very agressive program once we know the patient is able to cope with it."

James could see Marissa was getting emotional.

"Look, I think we're better to stop the post mortem. You have enough on your plate. You have done your best to get a replacement. You really cannot blame yourself for this. Ray Barnett is going to be fine. Let's page the team."

"I'll phone Geoff; he's off today but may answer."

While Marissa phoned Geoff, James went to the outer office to page Jane and Jenny from Susan's phone. When he returned, Marissa was just finishing her call.

"Thanks Geoff, don't worry about it, we'll see you tomorrow. Can you drop your report of the incident in first thing... …? No, don't worry, I know you didn't."

Marissa looked up at Jim as he came in.

"The notes were not on file, when Geoff came on at 7am. I don't understand it, I'm sure I filed them."

"Look, let's not dwell on it now."

"I'm going to ask Susan to audit all recent files to see if there are any other notes missing. She can start first thing in the morning."

Just then there was a knock on the door and Jane and Jenny came in.

The meeting was brief. Jenny had checked on Ray before she came down. He was dozing. She reported that when she checked on him at 4pm, he had asked for his iPod which Jim saw as a positive sign. Jim's sole recommendation was to give Ray back a sense of independence as soon as possible. He was someone who had always had charge of his own destiny, until now.

All were agreed that the team would meet with Ray in the morning and decide going forward what was in his best interest. After the meeting, James would visit him and talk some if he was up to it. Jenny would check on him before she left at 8. Other than that, they would leave him alone until the morning.

Both women were on again the following day as was Geoff. So maybe once all three were together, they could discover what had happened to the missing notes. Marissa promised that unless there was a serious emergency she would be in her office from 8 until 11am. With that they went their separate ways.


	10. Taking charge

James Walsh and Jenny Proctor left the meeting together. As they walked they talked.

"Well how is he really?" James asked.

"Much improved. His colour is better and he's sounding a lot more upbeat."

"So he probably was only suffering from severe exhaustion."

"That's my reading of the situation."

"So if Jane's notes had not disappeared, none of this would have happened."

"Probably not. Strange that… It's not the first time in the past month that notes have disappeared off files."

"Really? Why would anybody be taking notes off files?"

"I've no idea. Even stranger is the fact that they usually reappear again. Look, I'll ask around and see if I can shed any light on it."

In the course of his conversation with Jenny, Jim changed his mind about waiting until the morning to see Ray and decided to pop in before he went home.

--------------------------

When Jim entered Ray's room, he was sitting up watching TV.

"Well this is a turn about. There's no need to ask if you're feeling better."

Ray smiled.

"Yeah, that awful tiredness finally seems to be lifting and I'm getting bored just lying here."

"Bored is good. What were you thinking of doing?"

"Maybe I could take up line dancing." Ray responded sarcastically.

Jim just looked at him.

"Sorry, I guess I just can't help myself." he said shamefaced.

"Go easy on yourself, you're still coming to terms with a terrible personal tragedy. Whatever you need to say or do to keep going. Go right ahead and do it. Would you like to get out of bed for a while. I could give you a tour of the grounds."

"Sure, why not?"

As James moved the wheelchair towards the bed, he saw Ray's shoulders slump.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, fine, it's just that at times like this I feel so bloody helpless."

James frowned, then said.

"Wait there just a minute."

Within a minute he was back with an orderly.

"Right Ray, the time for being helpless is over. Here."

Jim handed Ray the remote control for the bed.

"What's that for?"

"Can you lower the bed?"

Ray laughed.

"I'm not that helpless!"

"Good." Both men had fallen into an exchange tinged with mock irony.

James smiled and said,

" Well off you go then. Bring it level with the wheelchair."

While Ray did that the orderly removed the arm rest from the wheelchair and moved it as close as possible to the bed.

"OK Ray, the next bit is not as easy as you might think and it's probably going to hurt like hell."

"I don't care, I'm ready."

"Now slide toward the chair."

The orderly said,

"I can get a slide board."

"No. I'm ok."

Very gingerly, Ray lifted himself and slowly and gently eased himself towards the chair. It hurt but he was prepared for it to hurt a lot more. It was a lot easier than his last torture session in the physiotherapy unit. With a final push he tipped inelegantly into the wheelchair. He could feel Jim's hand on his shoulder helping him maintain his balance and he felt a surge of relief. The orderly replaced the armrest and Ray grabbed hold of both armrests and righted himself. That reallyhad not been too bad. He was very emotional.

"Thanks Mike, I think we'll manage from here." Jim said.

"Alright Ray, take a few minutes."

Ray nodded and blinked away the tears. Damn, everything set him off at the moment. Then he could feel his mood start to soar once more. He took a deep breath then smiled and said.

"I feel pretty ok. I notice my ribs are almost healed, thank God. Once I build some upper body strength, I'll be fine."

His excitement was palpable.

Jim felt relief wash over him. He had been right. Ray Barnett needed to take charge of his own recovery. Ray really did know what was best for Ray and he was not afraid of pain. Based on what he had just seen, he had no doubt that in six months, maybe less, Ray would be walking on his own.

"How about we grab some fresh air before it gets dark?"

"That sounds like a great idea." Ray smiled.

James started to wheel the wheelchair and got no objection from Ray. Maybe he would suggest Ray took charge on the way back. The hospital grounds overlooked the Mississippi. As they exited the hospital, the sun was just starting to go down. It was a balmy early-summer evening. It was slightly humid but not unbearable. Ray sighed.

"The Mississippi truly is a majestic river."

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

"How long have you lived in Baton Rouge?"

"Only two years. Before that I was in New Orleans for 3 and Houston for 9 years. I like Baton Rouge. I'd like to stay here for a while maybe even settle."

"I never thought about coming home, but now that I'm here, who knows. The weather is certainly better than Chicago."

"Wait until high Summer, you might not be saying that."

"I never minded Louisiana Summers. Anyhow, there's always AC."

James laughed then became serious.

"Ray there's something I need to ask you."

"Yeah?"

"How did you get your hands on the vicodin?"

Ray dropped his head and sighed then went into a detailed explaination of what had happened when he was leaving Chicago.

"The only reason I took them is they were there. I really did not expect to get away with it."

"But you did."

"Yes. When I arrived here, I was so sure mum would take my parka home. After all it is far too heavy for Baton Rouge. But for some reason she hung it up instead of bringing it home. The pills should not have been in my room. They should have been at home. But they were here when I was at my lowest. I've never experienced pain like I did on that first session. I remember thinking, that if this is what lay ahead I couldn't do it. I wanted to end it all. But I meant the agony I was in, not my life. I don't understand how my thoughts were so unclear, how I was so confused."

"What about now?"

"I just want to get better. I wish things could go back to the way they were but I know that's impossible. But I do want control of my life back."

"That's up to you Ray. But I've no doubt that you will take charge of your life and build a good future."

"I hope so."

The sun was gone down and it had gotten dark very quickly.

"I'm afraid it's time we were getting back."

"Jim, thanks for bringing me out like this, I know you didn't have to."

Jim knew that professional boundaries were blurred a little where Ray was concerned. This enigmatic young doctor had impacted on him and he really wanted to help. In so many ways he reminded him of himself. He reminded him of somebody else as well.

When they got to the automatic door to the hospital, Jim asked Ray if he wanted to take over.

"Sure. I should have been doing it all along. It's just I actually hate wheeling my chair." he said with that enigmatic grin of his.

"The sooner I'm out of it, the happier I'll be."

Jim smiled to himself when he heard what Ray had just said. Ray could see a future where he was walking. With that kind of an outlook he was half way there.


	11. Light dawns

Ray was exhausted after his brief outing. But he also felt exhilarated. Thankfully, he had the weekend to rest up before he had to start his rehab program again. He went straight to bed when he returned to his room. He felt calm and relaxed and commented to James that he was going to sleep well.

The night staff was already on duty as James was leaving. As he passed the nurses station, he heard one side of a telephone conversation that caused him to pull up short.

"Look, there's really nothing to worry about. From what I can gather, it was not a real overdose."

"Don't worry he's fine now. It was touch and go for a while but …"

"Pardon, ... ... ... ... ... look, like I said I should not have said overdose."

....................................

"Didn't they? Well they probably didn't want to worry you, like I said, it was nothing really."

Dear Lord, please do not let that woman have been talking about Ray Barnett.

If she was, who the hell was she talking to? He could see by her uniform that she was an agency nurse; she should not even be dealing with patient enquiries. She should have referred the caller to a member of the permanent staff. He could feel his pulse quicken as he listened to her conversation with a very irate person the other end of the line. His heart sank as he heard her say

"Mrs. Barnett, do you wish to speak with your son. I'm sure he'll be able to put your mind at rest. Just hold the line I'll attempt to transfer you."

As she put the call on hold, James Walsh took the phone out of her hand. He looked at her name badge.

"Nurse Lavellier, what in the blue blazes do you think you are doing?"

"I was just… …" she trailed off.

"Were you aware that Ray Barnett has requested no visitors or phone calls?"

"But that's his mum." she simpered.

"What part of no do you not understand? Can you please step into the office and wait for me or your supervisor? How do I speak to this caller?"

"Just press the button that's flashing. But I can…"

"Nurse Lavellier, as of right now, I do not want you to do another thing. Please go to the office and wait for me."

She shrugged in disgust and headed toward the office.

Jim pressed the button and said hello.

A soft feminine voice asked.

"Is that you Ray?"

"No. Mrs. Barnett. My name is James Walsh. I'm one of your son's doctors."

"What's happened to my son? Why can't I talk to him? I got a message not to come and see him today and just now when I phoned up to enquire about him someone told me he took a drug overdose."

How did he respond to this without lying?

"Mrs. Barnett, I've just left your son. He's sleeping."

"Please, I really need to speak to him."

"That would not be fair to him, Ray's suffering from extreme exhaustion, he's sleeping right now and I don't wish to disturb him. He requested no visitors and we believe that that is a valid request. He is just too tired. Given the trauma and stress of the last few weeks, that's no surprise. He was not getting a chance to recharge his batteries."

"Did he take an overdose?"

"I think he would prefer to tell you himself what happened."

"But you won't let me speak to him."

"He's sleeping Mrs. Barnett, he needs to rest but I've no doubt he'll be willing to talk to you tomorrow."

"Dr. Walsh, I really must see him tonight. He's my son."

"Mrs. Barnett, with all due respects, your son is an adult and we cannot go against his wishes."

"But you don't understand; he's my only child."

"Mrs. Barnett, is there anybody with you?"

"No, I'm on my own."

"Will you wait there and I'll send a car for you. What's your address?"

"2390 Rock Road."

"Will you wait for the car?"

"I'll wait."

Dear God, how had he got so involved in this case? What a load of bunkum, he'd send a car!! At least he'd bought a bit of time until he'd sorted out the mess here.

He paged the nurse manager on duty. Just as he was about to page Jane Grossman, he spotted Jenny Proctor leaving Ray's room.

She approached him and said "You look stressed."

"An agency nurse has just told Ray's mother what happened."

"What?!! How is she?"

"Frantic, to say the least. If we don't stop her, she'll be here within the hour."

"Do we tell Ray?"

"Not until morning unless we absolutely have to. He really needs to relax and rest up. He did not want his parents to know until he was strong enough to tell them himself."

Just then the nurse manager, Charlotte Wise arrived.

"Someone paged me. Jenny, what are you still doing here?"

"I was doing follow-up with a patient."

"What's up?"

"Dr Walsh paged you."

"Sorry Dr Walsh, how can I help you?"

"Nurse Wise, one of your agency nurses has just given out confidential information about a patient over the phone."

"What?" Charlotte cried in horror. "It's Clair Lavellier, isn't it?"

Jim simply nodded.

"That woman is so stupid and she just does not listen. Everything is always her way. Well that's it. I can't have her here any more. She's a liability. Will you come with me to talk to her?"

"I'm afraid; I need to meet with this patient's family as a matter of urgency."

"Jenny. Are you familiar with the case?"

"Yes."

"Could you join me. You're the most senior nurse available and this is one meeting I do not want to conduct on my own?"

"Yes. Sure."

Jenny looked at her watch, it was already 8.20pm. Ah well, all that was waiting at home tonight was a TV dinner.

As they entered the nurse's office, Charlotte's mobile phone rang and she stepped out again to take the call.

Clair Lavellier was sorting files.

"What are you doing Clair?" Jenny asked.

"I'm just putting patient notes back on files."

"What do you mean; you're putting patient notes back on files?"

"I take doctors notes to guide me when I'm stocking up the drugs trolley. Then when I get free time I put the notes back on the files."

"You do what?" Jenny asked in horror.

"You heard me. What's wrong with that?"  
"Where do you keep the notes in the interim?"

"In the bottom drawer of the drugs trolley."

"For how long?"

"Oh, usually no more than a day or two."

"What? Did it ever occur to you that somebody else might be looking for them?"

Clair shrugged.

"I've always done it. It's never been a problem in the past."

"What's this?" Charlotte asked as she entered the office.

"Clair's been taking doctors notes off patient files. There were notes missing off Ray Barnett's file for at least three days. That's, in part, what led to his crisis."

"Clair; get your things."

"What do you mean, I've done nothing wrong."

"You come in as an agency nurse and behave as if you are running the place. You never adhere to procedures, in fact you do not even bother to familiarise yourself with procedures. I've had numerous complaints about your attitude. On more than one occasion, you have broken hospital rules and this evening you gave out sensitive information about a patient over the phone."

"But it was his mother."

"Nurse Lavellier! Point number one, you are an agency nurse. Only permanent staff is meant to give out patient information. Point number two, how do you know you were talking to his mother. Point number three, Ray Barnett is an adult. Unless he permits us to inform his next of kin we don't, not unless there are extenuating circumstances."

"You don't consider suicide extenuating circumstances?"

"That is not for a temporary employee to decide."

"Well I think his mother deserved to know the truth."

"How do you even know it was his mother?"

Charlotte's question was met by silence.

"Exactly… Clair, you never listen. You do not take guidance."

"I'm a very competent nurse. You are the first nurse manager who has had an issue with my ability."

"Nurse Lavellier, it is your professionalism, I have a problem with. You show no professional courtesy to your colleagues and you are too headstrong to work as part of a team. No doubt, there are many facilities out there happy to hire you just not this one. Now, get your things."

"This is ridiculous. I am being bullied. I will be lodging an official complaint with my agency and with your board."

"If you think that is necessary then fire right ahead. I will be ready and willing to fight any allegations you make. Now please get your things. Your services are no longer required here."

"This is an outrage."

With that Clair stormed out.

Charlotte looked at Jenny.

"Am I disrupting your plans?"

"No. I've no plans for this evening."

"Could I ask you to cover until I've arranged emergency cover for the night?"

"How will you get someone this late?"

"I'll just have to move some personnel around so that there's adequate cover on this floor. Clair was the only person covering this section so I need to replace her but I can probably move someone from another floor without impacting too much. I assure you, things should be sorted by 10pm."

"That's fine Charlotte. It's Friday night, some patients are gone home for the weekend so I'll manage just fine until you've sorted things. Take your time and don't stress."


	12. Blurred boundaries

While Charlotte and Jenny were sorting one issue, Jim was knocking on Jayce Barnett's front door. He had no idea what he was going to say to her.

The door opened.

"Mrs Barnett?"

"Are you my driver?"

"Mrs Barnett, I'm James Walsh, we spoke earlier."

Jim noted the confused expression.

"Are you going to drive me to the hospital?"

"Could we talk first?"

She hesitated but then opened the door wider to allow him to enter. Jim noted her strained expression.

"What has happened to my son? Why won't you let me see him?"

"Mrs Barnett, we are not stopping you from seeing your son. Please let me explain. There was an incident yesterday evening. Ray asked us not to tell you about it as he wished to tell you himself when he was feeling better. Please believe me when I say he's fine."

"What sort of an incident?"

"He collapsed after overdosing on painkillers."

"H-how did that happen?"

"Apparently he had some painkillers with him. He was exhausted and really did not know what he was doing."

"Oh God! My poor baby."

"Mrs Barnett, hearing this second-hand makes it seem worse than it is. Ray is fine apart from being pretty exhausted. He has been resting today but he needs a lot more rest. He's sleeping now and we really should not disturb him until morning."

"But how did he get the painkillers?"

"That's something I think Ray would prefer to explain himself. But you must understand, he has requested no visitors until he's feeling stronger. I think we really need to respect his wishes. He really needs time and space to come to terms with what has happened to him. That is the best way we can support him at the moment."

"But I'm his mother."

"I know that. And, as his mother you want what's best for him. I'm sure that includes respecting his wishes."

"I just need to see for myself that he's ok."

"I understand that and I know that as soon as he's feeling stronger he will want to talk to you too. But believe me when I say that the best thing you can do for his sake right now, is to respect his wishes."

She nodded and started to cry.

James was not sure what to do. He did not want to leave until he was sure she was ok but nor did he want to impose. So he waited. Eventually she looked up at him and said.

"Do you have children Dr. Walsh?"

"I have one son."

"Have you ever felt the need to interfere?"

"I hardly call this situation interfering."

"Well you know what I mean."

"I've always found that in every crisis, if I gave my son enough space, he found his own way through. It's possible to support and encourage without actually interfering. Have patience and wait, Ray will want to talk eventually. But you can't force that."

Suddenly Jayce frowned and gave a quizzical lift of her eyebrow. For the first time James could see a resemblance to Ray.

"Dr. Walsh, are you in the habit of making house-calls?"

Jim blushed.

"Not usually. I just did not know how else to sort this problem… Sorry, that was a wrong choice of words."

Jayce smiled and once again she looked just like her son.

"No apology necessary. I know exactly what you mean. Thank-you, for caring so much about my son."

Just then a buzzer sounded from the kitchen.

"Would you excuse me for a few moments doctor?"

He nodded.

Before he had a chance to say that he would go, she was gone. He had no choice now but to wait for her return.

She returned promptly holding a t-towel. She looked calmer.

"Dr. Walsh, where are my manners, would you like to come in?"

James hesitated.

She cleared her throat. "To be honest, I could do with some company. When I'm on my

own, I just keep replaying all that has happened."

Her lip started to tremble, then she smiled sadly.

"I've just taken a pot roast out of the oven and it would be nice to share it with somebody. Dinner is a bit late this evening because I was working late."

Going against every professional instinct, Jim heard himself accepting the invitation. Maybe, it was the fact that Ray Barnett was a doctor that the professional boundaries were a little bit blurred. Or maybe, it was just that this personal drama was dredging up old memories which compelled him to do everything he could to help. This had become very personal for him.

Maybe, at some level, this was his way of healing his own past. Even now, it was difficult for him to remember back to that winter of 1989-1990. It was a lifetime ago, yet, in so many ways it was like yesterday.


	13. Roll with the changes

It was late afternoon on the 11th November 1989. Jake had returned to his room and Jim was sitting quietly with Carrie when Mike Taylor entered the ICU at Steglitz Clinic.

"Hi Jim, how are you doin'?"

"Tired."

"I have the results of the CT scan… Sorry for the delay. … There was a problem with the film processor."

Jim looked at him fearfully.

"Well?"

"Its not looking good, I'm afraid. There is significant bleeding on the brain but unfortunately, we can't operate… … … … … … Jim, I'm sorry to say, all we can do at this point is make her comfortable and pray for a miracle. There is still some brain stem activity which is why she is breathing on her own. But we need to discuss our options going forward."

Jim nodded but said nothing.

"If there is no more bleeding, she might stay like this for a very long time. We cannot rule out some level of recovery, but it is highly unlikely."

"But she might recover."

"It's too early to know what's going to happen. …Her condition may yet deteriorate. … Look Jim," Mike continued gravely, "there's no easy way to put this, so I'll just give it straight."

Looking Jim straight in the eye, he said.

"… We're both doctors. We need to be clear as to what heroic measures we should take."

Without saying anything, Jim stood up and walked away. He could not talk about this right now. He needed to be on his own. He needed to walk and not to think. Mike did not try to stop him.

Jim left the hospital turned right and started walking. He walked for a long time along tree lined streets. He was not really aware of where he was going. He simply walked in a daze. After about half an hour, he recognized his surrounding. He was in the beautiful leafy park just a short walk from the Botanical Gardens. He was just off "Unter den Eichen" and close to the American hospital where he worked. He turned and headed towards the hospital.

On "Fabeck Strasse" he stood for a few moments at the entrance to the hospital. Was it really only 48 hours since he was in the middle of a busy shift? Could life really change that quickly?

Retracing his habitual route home from work, in less than five minutes he was outside his house on "Reichensteinerweg". It was a typical family home in a leafy Berlin suburb. He took out his keys, walked up the path and opened the door. The hall light was on and everything was as they left it the evening before last. Had it really only been less than two days since last he entered the house?

What a contrast.

That time as he entered the house, the smell of baking hit him. He could hear Carrie's laughter as she chatted on the phone and the TV blared in the living-room. Jake had been watching 'McGuyver'.

Now he was greeted by silence. He sighed. What was he doing here? He should be at the hospital. The hospital! God, he'd better phone to tell them where to contact him.

He went to the kitchen took the phone off the wall and checking the phone book, dialled the hospital. He eventually got through to the ICU and explained where he could be reached. Then he asked to be put through to Orthopaedics. He asked after Jake then explained that he had just popped home. The sister in charge spoke excellent English and explained that Gisela Schmidt was sitting with him.

A wave of relief washed over Jim. He asked to speak to Gisela. When Gisela came on the line, he thanked her for coming back and explained where he was. She told him not to worry as Jake was resting and not at all worried by his father's absence. She expected Jim had lots to organize and was willing to stay with Jake until he returned. He thanked her.

When he hung up, he slumped in an armchair. All of a sudden, he did not know what to do. A wave of exhaustion washed over him. He decided to take a shower. He started stripping as he headed upstairs. It felt good to step out of the clothes he had been wearing for the past two days.

Glancing in the mirror, he was shocked by what he saw. He had aged ten years in two days. Unkempt and unshaven, he had a nasty gash on his left cheek from the accident and bruising round his left eye. He looked grey. He had extensive bruising on his torso and he winced when he touched his ribcage. Until now, he had given his own injuries no attention at all. They were very minor, he'd mend quickly and a shower and change of clothes would work wonders.

He yanked open the shower doors, turned the levers, stepped under the shower and allowed his mind to switch off. He reached for the shower gel and proceeded to clean himself from head to toe. Then he closed his eyes and just stood and let the scalding water pound him. Time stood still. How long he stood there, he could never say but the water was running cold when finally he emerged from his glass chrysalis. He dried off and wrapped the towel around his waist.

Then he stood before the mirror, rubbed shaving foam on his face and shaved. There was something extremely therapeutic about carrying out such mundane tasks. When he finished, he padded to the bedroom and changed into fresh clothes. For the first time in about 40 hours he felt almost normal. What time was it? He checked the bedside clock. It was almost 4pm. He made his way downstairs. He'd get something to eat before returning to the hospital. He opened the fridge. There were eggs and fresh mushrooms. A mushroom omelette sounded great.

As he started to whisk the egg, the doorbell went. He went to answer it. Before he could say anything, Sandy Donovan had thrown her tiny frame at him and was holding him in a tight bear-hug.

"I've been in Heidelberg visiting a friend, I only heard when I called at the hospital to get my schedule for next week."

She released him and looked at him, "Why didn't you contact me I would have come back early."

Jim shook his head.

"Sorry Sand, I didn't think. I've been on automatic pilot since the accident. Come in, I'm just getting something to eat before I head back to the hospital."

Sandy was a theatre nurse at the American Army Hospital and Carrie's closest friend in Berlin. How could he not have contacted her? He could see from her eyes, she had been crying.

As Jim prepared his food, she shot him a barrage of questions.

"How is she?"

"She's in a coma."

"What's the prognosis?"

He looked at her glumly and shook his head.

"Oh God Jim, I'm sorry."

she said putting her hands to her face.

Her lips trembled as she asked "What about Jake?"

He outlined the extent of Jake's injuries.

"But he's going to be fine?" she asked.

"Yes, thank God. He's going to make a good recovery regardless of what happens over the next few days. He's incredibly strong both mentally and physically."

"What about Carrie's parents, how are they holding up? Are they coming to Berlin?"

Jim looked at Sandy in horror.

"Oh my God, Sandy, with everything that's been going on, I never even thought to contact anybody. My family don't know either. Jesus, Sandy, how could I forget? They'll never forgive me."

"Take it easy Jim. You've been in shock. Someone else should have thought of that."

"I need to phone them straight away but what am I going to say?"

"You'll keep it simple and answer what they ask. Here sit down a minute and compose yourself."

She went to the drink's cupboard and got him a small brandy.

"Here take this."

He knocked it back in one. He could feel it warming him immediately. It gave him the dutch courage needed to make one of the most difficult phone-calls he was ever likely to make. How in heaven's name was he going to explain the time lapse.

------------------------------------

November went by in a haze. Jake had more surgeries and Carrie slept. Her parents, Scott and Jennifer arrived from California late the day after Jim spoke to them. He never figured how they got there so quickly. Thankfully, owing to the time difference, they never noticed the delay in telling them. Both were retired so decided to stay as long as they possibly could. His mother, Jean, a widow, said she would come for Christmas.

Gradually they established a routine. Someone was at the hospital at all times except dinnertime when they made a point of eating together at home. One of them always stayed overnight. Sandy and some other friends took it in turns to sit with Carrie in the afternoon and evening. Every Tuesday and Thursday Gisela Schmidt showed up to spend some time with Jake. Jake really looked forward to her visits and Jim was very grateful for her kindness.

-----------------------------

Jean arrived two days before Christmas just in time to bring Jake home. He was still using a wheelchair but was managing reasonably well with crutches. His rehabilitation was going to be a long slow process but they would cope.

Despite Carrie's absence, Christmas was a pleasant occasion. All four adults fussed over Jake. Jean stayed for the month of January as Carrie's parents had to go home to sort some things. In mid-January Jim went back to work part-time and Jake returned to school.

Every afternoon, either Jim of his mother collected Jake and brought him to his physio sessions. Then they would spend some time with Carrie.

Gradually this new routine became the norm. Life went on while Carrie slept.


	14. Merging timelines

"We'll eat in the kitchen?" Jayce announced.

"Lead the way", Jim replied with a nervous laugh.

He looked around him as he followed her. "This is a fine house you have here."

"It was my parent's. I inherited it after they both passed away. I've lived here most of my life."

She led Jim into the kitchen and gestured toward the table,

"Please take a seat, what can I get you to drink, beer, milk, juice?"

"Water will be fine."

With this she reached for a glass and filled it with water. Next she took the dish from the oven and placed it on the mat in the middle of the table. As she finished setting the table and dishing out the food she continued to talk.

"Ray and I moved here to live with my parents when I and my husband separated. Ray was seven at the time. I really thought it was only going to be until my divorce came through. But about six months later, before everything was finalised, my dad had a stroke."

"How awful."

"That was a very long time ago. He made a good recovery but never regained full use of his left arm. As my mother had quite bad arthritis, I stayed to help out."

She smiled and said, "In many ways it was an ill wind. Staying here and becoming part of this household gave Ray and me the stability that had been missing for a very long time. My husband was not the most reliable person in the world."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't get me wrong, he was fundamentally a good person but he was reckless and irresponsible. In the beginning I was equally irresponsible. We were very young and immature when we married and I got pregnant straight away. I turned twenty a week after Ray was born. When I think of it now, I'm surprised we lasted as long as we did. Jack was six months younger and not ready to settle down. He did his best but he was a dreamer. He drifted from one job to another. All he really wanted to do was play music. Ironically, after he moved out and started gigging full time he became a better provider and he was always a good, if unconventional father to Ray. It did not matter where he was in the country, he phoned Ray at least twice a week and we received a monthly cheque."

Jayce became silent then pursed her lips and continued,

"He collapsed and died of a heart attack when Ray had just started his final year of high school."

"That must have been rough on Ray."

"I guess so but we were a tight little unit by then. My parents were a great support. Despite his disability, my father was a great role model for Ray. Ray was lucky really, he grew up with two good if dramatically different male role models. He's developed a great sense of self and the confidence that whatever he strove for in life if he stuck at it and worked hard he'd survive. He knew from the outset that job satisfaction was far more important than fame and success. Thanks to his relationship with his father, he also has great tolerance for diversity and accepts every individual for what they are."

"He sounds like quite a unique young man, I know now why I've warmed so much to him. You must be very proud of your son."

Jim could see the genuine warmth in her eyes as she said,

"You've no idea." Her eyes clouded over again and she asked.

"Are you sure he's going to be ok? This is the first time in his life I have ever seen him defeated."

"If half of what you have just told me is true he's going to be fine. He just needs a bit of time and space to adjust."

"But an overdose. If …if he had meant to do it."

"You need to trust that he is going to be ok."

"Thank-you, you're right of course I should not underestimate my son." she smiled.

Tears sparkled in her eyes as she cleared her throat and said,

"Now, let's eat."

They ate in silence for a while then Jim asked,

"What about your parents?"

"My dad died in 2000, a massive stroke. Ray was in college in Philadelphia by then. Then, in March 2004, my mother passed away in her sleep." She sighed sadly, "For the first time in my life I was on my own. I didn't react very well, I fear."

She started to laugh sadly.

"You know it's like both Ray and I went through our most rebellious phase at the same time. He was just finishing med school in Philly and his band had decided to move to Chicago so he was very unsettled. In my mid-forties, I suddenly became a real party girl. I know it was just a reaction to all the change.

A few months after my mum died, Ray started his internship in Chicago. He came home for a week before he started work and we had a major blow-up over a man I was seeing. It was stupid really. He could not cope with my behaviour, it was just so foreign. For the first time since he was born we actually drifted apart."

Jayce was quiet for a while, then she continued.

"Just over a year ago I started to take stock. I had been in a series of disastrous relationships and I was drinking too much. I knew I had to move out of destructive mode. Ray was off doing his own thing and we had very little contact for a while. I guess I've spent the past year trying to get back on track. At least I'm in a good place now, to be able to support Ray."

"Grief does strange things to people. But most people eventually return to some semblance of normality." Jim commented wistfully.

"I guess you're right. What about you doctor, how long have you lived in Baton Rouge?"

Jim smiled, "Please call me Jim."

He felt his stomach tighten as once again he felt he was crossing professional boundaries but somehow, it seemed like the right thing.

"Jim it is then, I'm Jayce, by the way."

"Well Jayce, I moved here temporarily after Katrina and well two years later I'm still here. I'm an associate professor at Tulane but I only lecture twice a week so I travel down to New Orleans and stay over the days I'm working there. I've cut back on my hospital workload. I now only consult at two small hospitals here in Baton Rouge and supervise a number of registrars."

"Don't you miss New Orleans?"

"Not really, I had only lived there for three years so I really had not put down roots."

"Oh!" Jayce said with a quizzical lift of her eyebrow.

"Yeah. Before that, I lived in Houston. I decided to leave when I divorced my second wife. Jake was away in college and Sandy was the only thing really keeping me in Houston. When I got the opportunity to teach in Tulane, I jumped at the chance. Maybe in some ways I was running away but I preferred to look on it as a fresh start."

"Is Jake still close to his mother?"

Jim smiled sadly then replied,

"Sandy and Jake are close but she's not his mother. Carrie, Jake's mum, passed away in 1990."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's a long time ago, a lot of water under the bridge since."

"What happened?"

"We were both medics with the American Forces in Berlin." He paused a moment and stared at the ceiling before he continued, "She was seriously injured in a road accident the night the Berlin wall came down. She died a few months later having never regained consciousness. I suppose you could say I lost her the night of the accident."

"That must have been tough for you."

"I find it difficult to recall much of that first year. It went by in a bit of a blur. Jake was also injured in the accident so I guess I just focussed on him. Thankfully I had my mother and Carrie's family for support and some of our friends were amazing. Jake and I stayed in Berlin until the end of 1990."

He looked down then reached for a drink of water took a sip and continued.

"After unification, most American Military personel were withdrawn from Germany. I had almost completed my service by then. Before I was demobilised, I did a tour in the Gulf during the Gulf war. I sent Jake to stay with Carrie's family. Looking back, I cannot believe I abandoned my son like that, considering all he had been through. I may not have had a choice but I did not even approach the army to review alternatives. I just went. Then again, maybe I needed some time away. I left the army in June 1991 and moved to California for a few years."

He smiled, "That was a better alternative than uprooting Jake again. It was good having family support as I went through a fairly rough time after I came back from the Gulf. Looking back on it now, I figure that time must have been very tough for Jake but he never complained and he's never blamed me."

"You were obviously grieving."

"Yeah, my life had been turned upside down. There I was widowed and unemployed with a son to support and no clear idea of where I wanted to go next. I did some locum work in a number of hospitals around LA but my heart was not in it. I was drinking a lot and my in-laws were ignoring the fact and simply supporting Jake as much as they could. They were saints. As you can see, I can very much relate to where you were at after your mother's death."

Jayce smiled.

"Yes. I guess many people have the same crutches and the same reactions to grief."

"Thank God, most of us have the capacity to overcome. Ray will overcome too, you know."

"I never thought of the fact that he is actually grieving."

"He is Jayce, he has lost a lot and is still trying to figure out what he can salvage. We all need to give him time. He has to find his own way through this. All you can do is support him as much as he allows you to. Most of all you need to give him space and respect his wishes." He looked intensely at her and continued. "You need to know that it is my professional opinion that he is not a danger to himself."

Jayce simply nodded.

"Thank-you. I needed to hear that." She smiled. "It really has helped to talk. I know you did not have to come all the way out here tonight. I appreciate that you did."

"It had been well worth my while, I've just enjoyed a far better dinner than what awaited me at home. I've become a bit of a TV dinner addict of late."

"That's not good."

"Oh, I exaggerate slightly. I try to eat at least one decent meal a day and I never skip breakfast. Look, its getting late. I'd better be going."

"Thank you so much, once again. I'll sleep much better after talking to you."


	15. Act first, think later

8am on Saturday morning and Jenny was back on duty. She worked one weekend per month and actually enjoyed the more relaxed atmosphere. Very few residents stayed over weekends and there were no therapy sessions. There were only five patients in the unit for the weekend. She was the only nurse on duty but was well able to cope. There were two nurses on the other unit on this floor and three nurses aides floated between the two units.

She was a little anxious about what to do with Ray. It was often the same with new patients especially the younger ones. But after all the cock ups with his initial care, she was extra concerned about him. Checking his file she saw no new notes had been added. She was not sure what time Dr. Walsh was due but Dr. Martin had phoned to say that she would not now be in until after 11am. She could wait until then.

Soon she was caught up in her day to day work and had little time to think about anything else. When she did Ray's morning obs, she only made small talk. He was quiet but not obviously distressed. He appeared unaware of any trouble so she presumed trouble had been averted.

The phone rang while Jenny was updating notes at the nurses' station. It was shortly after 9.30am. It was Dr. Walsh, she was relieved to hear that he had reassured Ray's mother. As soon as she hung up she called in to check on Ray and to give him his pain meds. The room was empty. Her heart lurched.

She conducted a frantic search of the unit but could not find him. In theory, she should not leave the floor but this was an emergency. She ran downstairs taking the steps two at a time to the main security desk. 'Please God; do not let him be on the roof.' How in heaven's name had he gotten out of bed? One of the security guards remembered seeing someone in a wheelchair go out the door. He presumed the person had been going outside for a smoke and did not stop him. They checked the security cameras and spotted him in the gardens. He seemed to be just sitting looking around him.

Jenny could not remember the last time she ran as fast. She just about took in Ray's startled expression as she rushed towards him.

"H-hi!" he said as she skidded to a stop. He was puzzled by her frantic expression. Then realization dawned.

"I'm on suicide watch!" he exclaimed in horror.

Their eyes met. There was no need for verification. The truth of the statement was in her eyes.

"Shit!"

"Ray, look, I've left the unit unattended. I'm sorry we have to get back. I … I'll organise that you can come back here later if you want."

"I'm not going to do anything." he pleaded.

"I believe you. But I can't leave you on your own, not right now. You understand, don't you?"

He nodded dejectedly and turned to wheel his chair toward the hospital. She followed. Soon they were in the lift ascending toward the second floor once more.

"I've really fucked things up." he moaned.

"Don't fret, there's no harm done." she said as she squeezed his shoulder.

"In the meantime, could you stay in your room for a while?" she pleaded.

He nodded as the lift doors opened. Looking up he smiled sadly, "Sorry, I should have asked before I headed out, I didn't think."

"Don't worry Ray; somebody should have explained that you couldn't leave the unit. To be honest I did not expect that you could. Look I'm in the middle of giving out meds, I'll call to you as soon as I can and we'll talk. By the way, how are your pain levels?"

"Just about bearable."

"I'll bring your pain killers as soon as I can."

"Do you have to write an incident report?" he asked with a squirm.

She gave a small laugh as she said, "we'll talk about that."

"Thanks Jenny, he said gratefully as he started to wheel himself back towards his room."

"Things seem to be pretty peaceful here, so there's no harm done. I think!" she said with a grin. "I'll be in shortly with your pain meds."

-----------

On returning to his room, he sat staring out the window for a long time. He seethed over the injustice of his situation but realised deep down that it was his own fault that he was stuck here. If he hadn't behaved so recklessly, he would not be in this mess. Come to think of it, he'd always been one to act first and think later. He knew he had to stop going off half cocked if he was to survive what lay ahead. He grinned to himself as he thought, 'maybe I should take up Yoga or meditation.'

Outside in the garden earlier, he had felt so relaxed, he had begun to accept his circumstance and to realise that he could take charge of his life again. But the discovery that he was on suicide watch, that was like someone tightening the shackles once more. Tears of frustration welled and without thinking, he slapped his thighs.

"Ouch …"he cried in surprise.

That really hurt.

What the heck did he expect three weeks after having both legs amputated below the knee?

Pain seared through him and then subsided.

"Barnett you moron. … What were you thinking man?"

But that was just it, as usual, he had not been thinking. Not thinking had become his baseline. Now he definitely needed painkillers.

"Would you watch what you're doing or you'll do yourself another injury!"

Talking to himself!! Now he really was losing it. He threw back his head and laughed. He laughed until the tears rolled down his cheeks. Just then Jenny entered his room.

Alarmed, she cried out,

"Ray, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Jenny, I'm just starting to realise what a fool I am."

"You're not a fool, Ray." she said with a frown. "Here, take these", she said, handing him his pain meds.

"Thanks, I need these, I just slapped my thighs. It bloody well hurt. It's the story of my life, act first, think of the consequences later or worse still react to the consequences. It was the same with the pills. I did not even think about what I was really doing. The same thing this morning, I just decided to leave the unit. It never occurred to me to check with anybody. It never occurred to me that anybody might need to know my whereabouts. I'm an inpatient in a hospital for Christ's sake. I've been a doctor for the last four years, I know the score."

"Go easy, Ray, its ok!"

He looked up at her, shrugged and smiled.

"It's actually not ok; it's my impetuous nature that has landed me in this mess."

Jenny frowned and opened her mouth but he raised his hand and interrupted her,

"I don't mean the accident. Mind you, even in that I was not totally blameless but I do mean just about everything else. God, I really am such an ass sometimes."

Jenny was silent and just listened while he ranted on and on. Eventually he was silent.

Then he simply said,

"Sorry Jenny, you really did not need to hear that."

"It's better that you let those things out."

"I really could do with getting out for a while."

"I'll see if I can organize an orderly to take you but you will have to wait. By the way, who helped you out of bed?"

He blushed and scrunching up his eyes said,

"I think that was another case of my impetuous nature taking over."

"What do you mean; you surely did not get into the wheelchair on your own?" she asked incredulously.

He looked at her and raising one eyebrow in acquiescence said,

"Jim ah Dr. Walsh helped me last night, this time I figured I could try on my own. I was fine honest."

"Ray you could have hurt yourself badly!"

"But let's face it, I didn't."

"That's not the point; you should have called for help."

"I'm sorry; I'm just not used to asking for help. Not only am I impetuous, I'm also a very independent spirit. I guess I just can't help myself."

For the first time, Jenny saw some of the old cocky Ray Barnett. But Jenny was not having any of it.

"Look Ray, once you get out of here, what you do is your business. But while you're an inpatient in this hospital, you are our responsibility. There is a long list of things that even if you don't need assistance with, you need a member of staff present."

"Sorry. Look, I will do my best to think before I act in future. Ok?"

"Yeah. I'll let you be for the moment. But in future could you buzz us, even if you're using the bathroom."

"Even if I'm using the bathroom?" he asked in horror.

"Yes Ray, even if you're using the bathroom."

Ray simply shook his head in frustration.

With that, Jenny's pager went off and she had to leave. Ray was left on his own once more.

Alone with his thoughts he reached for a book but he couldn't concentrate.

He turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. Nothing.

Rummaging through a stack of magazines, he picked up one and flicked through it 'til he found a crossword but he couldn't concentrate. He flicked again until he found a sudoku. He started it but after fifteen minutes was frustrated and flung it down on the locker sending everything flying. Water splashed on the bedclothes as a beaker fell to the floor. The contents of his locker top were now strewn in a sodden mess across the floor.

'Shit!' he cried in exasperation.

Was this something he could manage himself or should he call for help? It was a simple enough task but he knew he might overbalance if he bent down to pick things off the floor. Better safe than sorry, he thought as he swallowed his pride and reached for the bell. No point in causing more strife.

While he waited for someone to respond, he very gingerly bent to try and retrieve some magazines and books before they were soaked.

Jeff, one of the nurse's aides, popped his head round the door.

"Jenny's tied up for a minute, she asked me to check if I could help. What's up?"

Ray looked up and said

"Can you give me a hand I've made a bit of a mess?"

"No problem man, here, out of the way, I'll have everything sorted in a jiffy."

Ray felt his spirits flag as Jeff moved his chair out of the way. Just as Jeff bent down, Jim Walsh arrived and found Ray slumped dejectedly in his chair while Jeff speedily and efficiently cleared up the mess.

He shook his head before painting a smile on his face and marching into the room cheerily exclaiming,

"Good morning, what's going on here?"

"Bit of an accident, I'm afraid," Jeff replied not allowing Ray time to respond "don't worry I'll have it cleared up in a jiffy."

"It can wait Jeff; I need a few minutes with my patient."

"No problem doc, I'll call back later."

"I didn't expect to see you today. I thought you took the weekend off." Ray greeted.

"I have a meeting later, so I decided to check in on you first. So! …" Jim said as he sat on the bed, "Jenny has just been filling me in on your adventure this morning. I've signed off the incident report so don't think anything more about it. We'll put it down to a breakdown in communication, nothing more."

"I guess it was not the cleverest idea ever."

"Ray, there was nothing fundamentally wrong with what you did. You are trying to adapt to changed circumstances. It's just that while you are here you need to be supervised."

Jim laughed, "To be honest, I rather admire your tenacity; you're even more tenacious than I thought. If you succeeded in getting into your chair by yourself after one previous attempt you're going to make great progress here. You do however need to learn a more measured approach."

Ray sighed but said nothing.

You're not looking very happy right now. What's going on Ray?"

"I'm just … I don't know."

"Talk to me, close your eyes, think about it and tell me exactly what you're feeling."

Ray became quiet, what sort of crap was this?

Despite his misgivings, he closed his eyes and after a minute said rather harshly,

"I feel helpless and … and … **trapped**." he shouted the last word in exasperation and banged his hands hard on the armrests of his chair.

"Ray, you're not completely helpless, you proved that this morning."

"Yeah, and just now, I had to wait until someone else cleared up my mess."

"From what I could see, Jeff simply pushed you out of the way. He just assumed you were helpless. Ray you're going to encounter that sort of thing from time to time."

Ray pursed his lips but said nothing.

"Could you have helped?"

"Yes." he replied defensively.

Well then."

"It's just … it's just …"

Suddenly, just for an instant, Ray was back outside the warehouse the night of Abby and Luca's wedding. He had that same sense of dangling and he remembered what he had said to Pratt.

Noting the faraway gaze, Jim asked,

"What are you thinking right now?"

He contemplated for a minute then started,

"Have you ever had the feeling that you're turning the corner and can see a purpose to what you're doing … when suddenly … Bam! … You're knocked backward again?"

"Yes, I think it happens to us all from time to time."

"Over the last while every time I've dared to be optimistic, dared to hope that I might be moving forward; that's what happens to me." Ray said despairingly. "I feel like I'm in a boat without oars, going round and round in circles."

"This isn't just about the accident, is it?"

Ray grimaced and shook his head but found he couldn't say any more. That horrible exhaustion was descending again like a cloak. He couldn't talk about the accident, about Chicago or about her. He couldn't even bear to think about any of it right now.

He knew he had started to cry again. Jim could see the pain in his eyes and knew that Ray had gone as far as he could for the moment.

"Ray, listen to me, you've proved that you're a fighter and a survivor. Your tenacity is going to get you through this but you've got to stop putting pressure on yourself. Deep down you have faith that you can get through this. I can see that. You just have to give yourself a little time and allow that faith to come to the surface. You are going to have setbacks, probably lots, there's no point pretending otherwise. There are going to be times when you feel utter despair. But you are going to get through this."

Jim knew that Ray was all in so he stood up and clapped his hands saying, "Ok, you need to rest. I'll help you into bed."

Ray nodded obediently like a little child; he was too tired to speak. Despite his exhaustion, he felt relieved. He really trusted Jim Walsh. Once he was settled in bed, he drifted off pretty quickly.


	16. Making Progress

Thanks to anybody who continues to read for your patience. The slow pace is wrecking my head but I cannot speed it up. M

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You wake when you hear someone placing a tray on the bed table.

"Do you want to eat?" they ask quietly.

"Yeah, thanks." you say as you open your eyes. You still feel pretty wiped.

"You need any help?"

"No thanks, I'll manage." you hear yourself say.

So much for accepting help! It would take time. Rome wasn't built in a day. Anyhow, you don't need help using the remote control to raise the bed and you can pump up your pillow and pull in the table without falling over.

You eat hungrily. Just as you are about to tuck into chocolate pudding, Jim Walsh and Marissa Martin come through the door. You are surprised to see them both working on Saturday. There is a younger man with them wearing jeans and a t-shirt under his white coat. Ok, so he's not as grungy as you once looked, his is more a tame version of the hairy rocker look. Nevertheless, he looks distinctly cooler than your average doc. The neat beard, obviously to make him look older does not quite work. He hardly looks old enough to be out of med school. You presume he's a registrar you have not met before. In another life he would have been competing with you with his cool understated rocker look. You don't want to think of that other life right now.

Jim starts, "Ray I know you're tired so we won't keep you long. We've just been reviewing your case."

You feel like a child waiting to be scolded but you're not sure why. You listen as Jim continues.

"Dr. Martin has been forced to reduce her working hours so Jake here will be doing some locum hours for her."

You realise that this young guy, who definitely looks no older than you, must have already completed his residency, if he's a locum for the chief. 'Hello Doogie Howser!' you think to yourself. Dr Martin interrupts your thoughts.

"Ray, if you have no objections, I'd like to put Dr Walsh in charge of coordinating your case."

You look at Jim. He smiles and says,

"She means the other Dr. Walsh. Jake here, is my son, he's just completed his residency in PM&R. He's agreed to put his travel plans on hold to help us out."

"Right," you say. You wonder if this is nepotism but Jim Walsh does not strike you as the type to pull that kind of crap.

You notice Marissa Martin's worried expression. She really needs you to cooperate. You take in her tired, drawn appearance and realize that maybe you're not the only one having a rough time. You wonder what her story is.

"So what do you think?" Jake asks.

"Sure," you say with a shrug, "I've no objections; I just want to get well again."

"In that case, I'll leave you to it." Dr. Martin says as she heads toward the door.

You're still feeling pretty ragged after the stresses of the morning and you're not sure if you're up to a full scale discussion of your rehab plan.

"Ok Ray," Jake says "dad, ahm Dr. Walsh here," he laughs awkwardly, "Sorry I'm not used to working with family. As I was about to say, I hear, you've had a rough few days and you look all in so I'm going to leave you to rest for the weekend. First thing Monday morning, we'll do a complete work up and put a workable rehab plan in action. In the meantime, can you think about what you see as your priorities and also think about concerns you may have? Nothing is too trivial. Then we'll set some short, medium and long-term goals."

A warm wave of relief washes over you. You smile and say,

"Thanks Jake, I appreciate that."

He extends his hand,

"I'll leave you to it then, enjoy the rest of your weekend, what's left of it and rest as much as you can; we have a busy time ahead of us."

Taking his hand, you shake it.

"I look forward to working with you," you say, and you mean it. You immediately like his no bullshit approach.

After Jake has left Jim turns to you,

"How are you feeling now?"

"Relieved," you say with a smile.

"We're both doctors so I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. The initial care you received here was far from perfect. That was due to circumstances outside of everybody's control."

"It's Dr. Martin, isn't it? Is she ok?"

Jim paused and contemplated what to tell Ray, then he continued.

"She's fine. As a patient you don't need to know what's going on, suffice it to say, she needs to take time out for personal reasons. She's been looking for a locum for some time."

"And you found Jake for her."

"Jake has put his own plans on hold for a while to help out. It's difficult to find PM&R attendings in this neck of the woods. What with all the young soldiers returning from The Middle East, it's an area of medicine with a shortage of experienced and qualified personnel."

You frown.

"Don't worry, he'll be around long enough for you to complete your rehab program."

"I'm not worried," you say with a smile and you mean it.

"So, how have you been today?"

You shrug, "Up and down, I guess. I think part of me is still expecting a quick fix and when that doesn't happen I get disillusioned. But I'm learning."

"Yes," he says in mock seriousness, "in this era of instant gratification, long term rehab and slow outcomes can be a drag."

You laugh.

"Seriously, Ray, progress may be slow and frustrating at times but you will get there."

You nod, you know he's right.

"Come Monday, once you and the team have discussed your program of work, we'll set you up with a regular counselling slot."

"Will it be with you?"

"Probably not, but don't worry, I'll be checking in regularly to see how you're getting on, I'm not going to abandon you completely."

"Glad to hear that, you say with a laugh."

"Ray, I don't want you to feel under pressure but I need to mention one more thing."

"Yeah."

"It's been two days since your overdose, we can't keep your mother at bay for ever."

"Have you spoken to her?" you ask anxiously. You know given doctor patient confidentiality that she will not know what happened, nonetheless, it will be difficult to face her. But Jim's right, you need to face down your demons.

He replies, "Yes, we've spoken. She respects your wishes but even so…"

You nod. "I'll speak to her before Monday morning, I promise. I'm less shaky than I was."

"I don't want you to feel under pressure but you need to tell her what happened. She needs to hear it from you."

"I know. I'll phone her, I promise."

"One other thing, you'd better make the most of today and tomorrow. After that you'll be very busy for a while."

With that Jim Walsh prepares to leave.

"I'm ready for whatever lies ahead," you say with grim determination and you mean it.

One hand on the door handle Jim stops and says,

"By the way Ray, your restrictions are lifted, provided you let the nurse in charge know, you're free to wander the hospital and grounds." With a wave he's gone.

You smile with relief; things have suddenly gotten a whole lot better. Yes, a visit from your mum will be fine. You'll call her later. But right now, you're tired and you just want to rest for a while. You reach for your iPod, lean back and close your eyes.


	17. In the meantime

Marissa Martin was looking flustered as Jake Walsh entered her office.

"Come in Jake, I'm just trying to put my diary in order, I … I don't want to miss anything."

"Take it easy, there's no need to worry on my account."

The calm confidence this charismatic young man exuded was contagious and Marissa felt herself relaxing.

"Stop putting yourself under pressure on my account. You have other priorities. I'll find my way round and if I get lost, I can ask. I'm sure all your patient files are in order and if there are any problems, your secretary can help."

"You're right of course. Sarah is fantastic, she'll look after you. You've no idea how much I appreciate you agreeing to change your plans at short notice on my account."

"It's not every day you get a chance to take charge of a rehab unit in a top class facility like this."

"I guess not, but even so. You've put your travel plans on hold indefinitely."

"It's no inconvenience. Anyhow, it might be rather interesting working with my father." he said with an enigmatic grin. "Tell you what, how about you introduce me to your team?"

"There aren't too many of them round today, just one nurse. The team of residents usually work Monday to Friday only. They take it in turns to be on call one weekend a month but they're rarely needed. I'll introduce you to Jenny, the unit nurse on duty today. You can call a team meeting for Monday. I'll attend if I can."

"That sounds fine. I take it Ray Barnett is your most recent referral."

"Yes and the confusion about his initial care means he is our priority. Disasters like that are the exception rather than the rule around here. We run a pretty tight ship. My team are competent and efficient, albeit young. The same applies to the nurses, physiotherapists and any other ancillary staff attached to the unit."

"In that case I look forward to working with all of them." Jake said with a smile.

"I'll just page Jenny so I can introduce you."

"Just as she dials the pager number, James Walsh walks in."

"That went pretty well," he said.

"As well as can be expected," Marisa responded. Just then there was a knock and the door opened.

"Come in Jenny; Jenny, I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Jake Walsh. He's my locum for the next while."

"Oh right," she says "pleased to meet you Dr. Walsh."

"It's Jake," he replies with a disarming smile and extends his hand to shake hers.

"What's the usual routine on Monday morning?"

"Shift change is at 7am, rounds usually start at 8, the first physio sessions start at 9." Jenny replied.

"This week I'll try to squeeze in a team meeting for 7.30." Jake announced, "Can you pass the word round as soon as you arrive? Hopefully, it won't throw the schedule out too much. It'll really only be a meet and greet."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Jenny says with a smile.

"Is there anything else?"

The three doctors look at each other and shake their heads.

"In that case, I'd better get back."

Just then James Walsh clears his throat.

"I almost forgot, Ray will probably contact his mother at some point over the weekend. Just keep an eye on how things go. He still does not know about that agency nurse's blunder. I think its better he hear it from his mother. Oh and by the way, I've told him he's free to leave the unit provided he clears it with whoever is in charge. Can you put a note on his file?"

"Sure thing Dr Walsh. Jake, it was very nice to meet you and I look forward to working with you."

With that Jenny leaves the office. Jake and James follow almost immediately and leave Marissa to tidy up and get her notes and files up to date.


	18. Waking up

Tuesday

You've been lying there for a while before you realize you're awake. You reach to wipe your eyes and you hear somebody move. A voice says,

"How are you feeling?"

You answer "Sore."

Every movement hurts so you lie as still as possible.

"You went into cardiac arrest, they had to shock you." she explains as you drift off again.

Wednesday

You ask what happened.

They ask you what you remember.

The last thing you remember is finishing your shift.

They say to wait and relax. Your memory will return.

You sat up today. They move you out of ICU.

Thursday

Memories start to filter back.

A wrist spurting blood, an arterial bleed, you think.

A phone-call. A dazzling white tunnel. Something bad at the end. Anxiety.

A rosary dangling from a car mirror. That memory makes you feel sad, makes you feel lost and alone. You can finally have visitors but nobody stays very long. You're still very weak.

Friday

Now you remember. Once one bad memory bobbed to the surface, they all flooded back. You wish you could blot some of it out especially that white hospital room. You start to cry. Abby asks what's wrong. But you can't talk about it, not yet. To talk about it will make it real. Everybody is worried. Tony sends you flowers but he doesn't visit. You're grateful for that.

Saturday

Abby knows what's upsetting you. Katey told her.

You're strangely relieved when she tells you. You open up. You can finally talk about that awful day. You cry bitterly. You shake, you shudder. You talk about the angry stranger you met that day, the day you were finally ready to move on. You're moving on alright just not in the direction you'd hoped or expected. Tears help but they don't heal, not yet.

Sunday

A dart of pain wakes you; you check your watch. It's almost four o'clock. A long balmy, early summer afternoon is drawing to a close. You long to get outside and wonder if you could go up on the roof. You reach for the bell and the pain intensifies. You realise you've missed your afternoon pain meds. You press the bell and even that sends a wave of pain through you. Pain is something you're going to have to learn to live with for a while. You close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Yoga sounds like a good idea right now. You must ask Lucien about taking some lessons.

Monday 

They say you're getting out soon.

You've been up and walking for the last few days. Its been a week. You're feeling stronger. You wonder how he's doing.

You want to phone him but you know it's too soon. You reach for your phone and send him a text instead. You keep it simple. "Thinking of you. I know you'll get through this. Will e-mail real soon, I promise." No point burdening him with your news. He has enough to contend with. There'll be time to tell him some other time. You don't expect a reply. You don't receive one.

Wednesday

Morris tells you that Ray is not taking calls; not even from Katey. Both Pratt and Katey have spoken to his mum. Reports are he's making progress and doing as well as can be expected whatever that means. You send him another text. 'Hey, hear you're making progress. We're all rooting for you here at County. xx'

Thursday

Finally. You're getting out of here.

They say you can go home tomorrow provided you don't spike a temperature before then. You beg your immune system to cooperate.

Abby insists you stay with her. Despite your protestations you're relieved. You know you can't cope on your own just yet. You still need help with the simplest tasks. Even sitting up to get out of bed is a struggle. The physiotherapy session today really took it out of you. All you want right now is sleep. You phone Abby and ask her to pass the message round that you don't want any visitors this evening, you're too tired.

You can't wait 'til you're feeling better. You know it will take time. Lucien says to take as much time as you need, the hospital do not expect you back for at least a month and then only after you pass a physical.

Another day or two and you might drop him an e-mail you think as you drift off. You'll probably sleep until supper time.


	19. Casting off

A dart of pain wakes you. You lick your parched lips and check your watch. It's almost four o'clock. You've been asleep for nearly three hours. A long balmy, early summer afternoon is drawing to a close. You long to get outside for a while and realise there's nothing stopping you now that your curfew is lifted.

You reach for the bell and the pain intensifies; you feel faint. You've missed your lunchtime pain meds. You press the bell and even that sends a wave of pain through you. You're disappointed but not disillusioned. Pain is something you're going to have to learn to live with, learn to manage. The doctor in you realises you may have to live with some level of pain indefinitely but it will diminish over time. You close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Yoga sounds like a good idea right now. You grin at your little joke but even that hurts.

The door opens.

"You're looking pretty rough." you hear her say.

"It even hurts to open my eyes right now." you mumble through clenched teeth.

"On a scale of one to ten, how high is the pain level?"

"Nine and a half you grunt," and it really is.

"That's what you get for skipping your pain meds," she quips "bear with me for a few minutes."

You lie there with your eyes closed afraid to move. Deep breath in deep breath out; you feel perspiration oozing from every pore. There's a slight breeze as the door opens and she approaches your bed. Before you can open your eyes she lifts the bedclothes and you feel the sting of an IM injection in your buttock. She was so fast, you did not even know what she was doing. You thought she was just fixing the bed clothes. You give an involuntary yelp, the pain is excruciating for a few seconds then it passes. "There" she says as she rubs an alcohol wipe on the site and massages it, "all done." Thank goodness you did not see that coming. You hate needles.

"That'll work faster than tablets," she says cheerily. You open your eyes. The wave of relief is almost instantaneous.

"Thanks." You reply.

"Anything else I can do for you?"

"I'd kill for a coffee."

"There's no need for anything that extreme. You only have to ask." she says with a smirk. You love her sense of humour.

"How do you like it?" she asks.

"Black and strong, thanks."

"Wait there I won't be long."

A few minutes elapse and she arrives back with two mugs of steaming coffee.

"So what's the pain level now?"

"About a seven, it really is working fast."

"That's the idea. I hope you don't mind me joining you." she says as she places a cup in front of you, "I was dying for a cuppa and it's quiet at the moment."

"Cuppa." you say with a grin. "How very British!"

"My mum is English." she explains. "I guess I've inherited some of her idioms and customs."

You allow your mind to drift for an instant. She's one of the few people who has not been in contact, you think bitterly. So much for promises. You drag yourself back to the present. No time for wallowing in self-pity. So instead you turn to Jenny with a cheeky grin and ask.

"Then why not tea with milk and sugar?

"I need my coffee."

"I know what you mean," you say as you take a sip, "Hey, this is the best cup of coffee I've had since I got here."

She smiles. "I always sneak my coffee from the doctor's lounge. It's the best coffee in the hospital."

You laugh "Back at county, there's a health warning on the coffee maker in the doctor's lounge. Nobody ever drinks the coffee, it's disgusting. I always take tea or head across the road to the mini mart."

You sigh as you wonder if you'll ever do that again.

She seems to read your mind.

"You will be able to work again, you know."

"Probably not in an ER though!"

"You have no idea what you will be capable of in future or even what you will want to do. You have a long period of rehab first."

"Come on, do you honestly see me racing around an ER again?" you ask with a cynical laugh.

"Ray, it may seem impossible at the moment but I have no doubt that in the fullness of time, you will achieve whatever you want."

You are about to respond but she stops you and continues.

"Right now you need to concentrate on the present. You have a long road ahead of you but you need to start thinking in shorter steps. Learn to gauge what you can do on a day to day basis and you will get there."

"Spare me the pep talk, please. You have no idea what I'm going through right now nor what I have been through," you say angrily.

" I may not know what you're going through but I've been around enough people who have had similar experiences and they all say the same thing. Concentrate on the present and you will get there."

"Maybe we should talk about something else," you say with a laugh, "I'm sick and tired of talking about myself."

"How are your pain levels now?"

"Ah!" you scold "you're still talking about me."

I guess that means you're feeling better."

"So, read any good books lately?"

She laughs.

"You a tiger's fan? Or maybe we can talk about the weather."

"Seriously, are you ok?"

You smile, "I'm fine, really. I guess I just need to sort my head and you're right I need to take things slower and start prioritizing. I'm still feeling so helpless."

She nods but says nothing.

"You know, I really should get out of bed for a while."

"Ok, you let me know how much help you need. I'll open the chair."

"Thanks."

You use the remote control to lower the bed.

She moves the chair into place and you start to move yourself. You get into your chair unaided.

"I'm impressed," she says "Bet you could not have done that three days ago."

"You're right," you say with a grin. Despite yourself, you well up with pride. "It'll still be a while before I'm running marathons though."

"Never say never! .. Look… I'd better get back. Try not to get up to devilment."

"I was thinking of practicing wheelies outside in the gardens."

"Too much information," she says laughing as she leaves the room with a wave.

--------------------

Half an hour later and you're feeling pretty tired after doing a round of the gardens. Its only June but already humidity levels are high. You find a shady spot and sit for a while just enjoying the afternoon heat and the peace and quiet. Just being here alone gives a great sense of freedom. You had never given much thought to it but wheeling a wheelchair is hard physical work. Your arms and shoulders are not up to it. No doubt part of your physical therapy will be building up your upper body strength. You'll find out soon enough. Suddenly, you cannot wait to get started.

You've brought your phone with you. You're not sure why as you've no plans to contact anybody, not yet. You take it out and start playing a silly video game. It feels good to be doing something ordinary. You wish you had your guitar. You'll ask your mum to bring it when she visits. OK don't think too much about this, just do it. With that you dial.

She answers.

"Mom, it's me."

"Ray how are you. I…"

"I'm fine. Look, sorry I asked you to stay away. I just needed some time on my own."

"That's fine son. I understand. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, much improved. Come in to see me any time you want. By the way if you can lay your hands on my guitar, could you bring it in?"

"Of course, I can call by later this evening."

"That would be great."

You dread telling your mum what you did but at the same time you can't wait to get it over with.

Another box ticked.


	20. Revelations

Its after 7.30pm when Jayce Barnett pops her head around the bedroom door. Her son is sitting by the window playing a video game. He's looking well, she notes. She takes a deep breath and wills herself to stay upbeat.

"You look good," she says with a smile as she approaches, throws her right arm around him and kisses him on the cheek.

"I think you've been missing this." she proffers the guitar case with her left hand then leans it against the wall.

"Thanks mom, you're right I have missed it," he says as he reaches for the case, places it across his arm rests, opens it and removes his guitar.

"Here let me take that," she says as taking the case she closes it and places it on the floor.

With that Ray puts the guitar strap over his head, holds the guitar and starts to strum. He smiles contentedly and she notices how much more relaxed he is.

"You've got some color in your cheeks again."

"Yeah, I was outside earlier when I phoned you."

Her heart swells with pride as she realizes her son is getting about on his own.

"I'm proud of you son."

"If you knew all I'd been up to you mightn't say that," he says grimly and continues to strum.

"I doubt that."

Something in her tone causes him to look up. He notices the sadness and concern in her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Whatever you did, I'm sure you weren't thinking."

"Pardon?" he says in surprise.

"Ray, I know you; sometimes you do things without thinking of the consequences."

Ray fixes his mother with a penetrating gaze; something in her demeanor makes him feel uncomfortable. Something is not quite right.

"Do you know what happened?" He does not expect the response he gets.

His mother starts to speak and stops. My God, someone has talked to her.

"My God someone told you." he shouts incredulously and he can feel red hot anger rising.

"It wasn't like that."

"Wasn't like what?" he roars but by now he's beyond reason.

"Ray, listen to me. Please, tell me what happened."

"You know what happened." he screams.

She shakes her head.

"I couldn't take any more … I took some pills … … **I tried to kill myself**." he roars. "OK? … Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"They said it was an accident." She says in horror. She puts her hands to her face as she dissolves in tears.

She shakes her head and turns. She can't bear to be in the room right now.

"Who said it was an accident?" he shouts after her. She shakes her head and keeps going.

Just as Jayce is leaving, Jenny arrives to see what the commotion is all about.

"What the…?"

She hears him repeat once more, "who says it was an accident? Tell me."

But Jayce is already half way down the corridor and doesn't hear.

Assessing the situation in an instant, Jenny decides Ray is not going anywhere fast so she races after Jayce Barnett.

"Mrs Barnett, please wait up?"

Jayce stops and turns. She's very distraught.

"He said he did it on purpose, he said he meant to kill himself."

Jenny shakes her head, "I don't believe that. Look Mrs Barnett, come into the office and sit down for a minute. I'll go and speak to Ray."

Once Jayce is seated, Jenny hands her a cup of water from the water cooler then turns and says "Please wait until I get back."

As she enters the room, the anger in Ray's eyes hits her like a force field. She feels it's pushing her back out the door.

"Jenny, whatever you've got to say, I don't want to hear it right now. I'm too angry and disgusted to hear any more petty excuses. Ever since I arrived here, things have been going wrong and just when I think things are about to get better I discover a member of staff has told my mother what I did. It's obvious that I can't trust anybody here. It's a long time since I've experienced such absolutely unprofessional behavior. No actually, I've never experienced such unprofessionalism before. The sooner I can transfer to another Rehab facility, the happier I'll be."

"Ray please, …"

"Jenny, whatever it is, I don't want to hear it."

"Wh … what about your mother?"

"After what I just said to her, I'm pretty sure she does not want to talk to me and frankly I'm still too wound up to talk to her. I'll only say something I regret. Tell her to go home, I'll phone her tomorrow. Now please, get out of my sight, I really do not want to see you again today. Whatever cover-up has been going on here, you've been complicit, so, as of now I really don't trust you."

Jenny's face falls. "I … I'm sorry you feel like that," she says as she turns to leave.

Ray is left alone. He grunts in frustration. He's still wearing his guitar but is too strung out to play. He goes to take it off but drops it as he turns to put it in his case. Dear Lord, don't let it be broken, that would be the last straw. He picks up a pillow and punches it repeatedly in frustration. He's too angry to think straight yet a little part of him feels guilty for his temper tantrum. He knows he really frightened his mother. Problem is, he's not sure he over-reacted. He's pretty certain somebody has told his mother that he overdosed. Furthermore, he's fairly certain that Jenny Proctor and probably Jim Walsh know what happened. He's really not happy about the fact that people have been going behind his back. Nevertheless, he also knows that he needs to calm down before he confronts anybody.

He closes his eyes, then takes a deep breath and picks up his guitar to check it. Thankfully it's not damaged. He carefully places it in its case and closes the lid. He's very rattled. He really needs something to distract him but music is not it. He thinks about phoning somebody, but who? Katey is out. Pratt comes to mind. He knows he's been trying to get in touch. He's noticed all the missed calls and unread texts. No, he does not want to hear any news from County, not right now. He is afraid Neela will come up in conversation and he really does not want to discuss her. He's so cross with her.

Despite how awful their last meeting had been, he had hoped that she was finally ready to step up to the mark. But no, she'd run again. So much for promises. OK, he'd got to stop torturing himself. He badly needed some cheering up. Then he spots another missed call from two weeks before. The number pops up several times on his call log. He smiles. He knows exactly who he'll call.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The phone is answered on the second ring.

"Hey man, where have you been hiding? I've been trying to reach you for the past two weeks. I was in Chicago."

"I know man, sorry but I've been … kinda busy."

"Too busy, to make time for your old band mates?"

"Face it, we didn't exactly part on the best of terms." he teases.

"Man, that was ages ago. We've been in touch since."

"Yeah man, I think that was a poor attempt at sarcasm. Sorry."

"You OK?"

"Yeah, fine. So have you left Chicago?"

"Yeah; over a week ago. We've played Detroit, Cincinnati, Louisville and St. Louis since."

"Wow, you've been busy."

It felt so good to talk about something completely different. Soon Brett is regaling him with tales of his escapades on the road. He's engrossed in conversation and laughing his head off when Jenny pops her head round the door. His eyes darken.

"Hey Brett, can you hold the line a minute."

"Sure thing; man."

He puts his hand over the phone and looking coldly at her says,

"I meant it when I said I didn't want to see you again tonight."

"Ray, I'm the nurse on duty. I just wanted to check how you were for pain meds. Your mother is gone home. She's fine. She said she'd wait for your call."

"Thanks. You can go now."

"But what about your meds?"

He shakes his head.

"I don't want you looking after me," he says stubbornly, "I can wait until the night staff come on."

"But that's more than an hour away."

With a shrug he says, "I can wait."

"OK, if you're sure."

"Look," he says coldly, "I'm on a call."

"Sorry." she says meekly.

He turns back to the phone, "sorry about that Brett."

"Was that a woman's voice? You loved up? Is that why you've been avoiding my calls?"

"I haven't been avoiding your calls I've … I've just been … busy."

"OK, OK, no need to get so defensive. So what's been going on?"

"To be honest, I wanted to hear your news. Tell me more about this tour you're on. It sounds pretty full on."

With that Brett was off.

"Well we've a big gig in Memphis tonight, we play a smaller venue in Little Rock tomorrow night. Monday we're free and we play Jackson Mississippi Tuesday. Guess where we finish our tour Wednesday and Thursday night?"

"Where?" Ray's heart sinks as he asks. He already has a fair idea of the answer.

"We're playing two end of year gigs, at LSU. Then I'm going to spend a few days with the folks before I head back to LA."

"Hey, that's great man." The tone is strained but Brett fails to notice.

"Maybe I should look your mum up."

"Don't you dare, she's never forgiven you for the night I nearly got alcohol poisoning from that bootleg you bought to celebrate me getting into med school." The excuse sounds a bit lame.

"That was years ago, me and Jaycee get on fine now." he says defensively.

"To be honest, I'm not her favorite person at the moment. You might just make matters worse." At least that was not a complete lie.

"Barnett, why have you always done things in reverse? All through your teens, you had a near perfect relationship with your mother. Then in your late twenties you start having issues. That's not normal man!"

"Begs the question, what is normal?"

"You got me there man!"

"So, when you headin' to Baton Rouge?" Ray asks nonchalantly.

"We'll probably hit the road straight after the gig Tuesday night. I'll hit my folks house some time in the early hours. It will be great to have somewhere decent to crash for a few days.

There are voices in the background. Then Brett says,

"Sorry man, I've got to go, they're calling me for a sound check. It's been really great talking."

"It sure has Brett."

"Let's not leave it as long again."

"Sure thing; and sorry for taking so long to return your calls."

"No problem man. You know it would be great if you came out to California some time."

"You know what, that sounds like a great idea."

"You're always welcome, Ray."

"Thanks."

"I really got to go, the sound engineer is freakin' out here."

Ray laughs, "So long Brett. We'll catch up soon."

It's after 8.30pm when he picks up and starts playing the guitar again. It was so good to feel normal and talk about mundane things.

Maybe he'll call Brett while he's in town. His parents live the other side of the city and they do not know Jaycee Barnett, so they will not have heard of Ray's accident. But maybe by Wednesday he'll be able to tell to Brett. Maybe by then it won't be so difficult to talk about. Maybe by then he'll be ready to face the world. Heck, he does not even know where he'll be be come Wednesday.


	21. Read this

Just as he's finishing breakfast Jenny barges into the room and throws a sheet of paper on the table.

"I'm not here to talk." she says abruptly, "Dr. Walsh asked me to give you this. I think you need to read it. If you want to talk once you've read it, you know where to find me." Before Ray can respond, she raises her hands defensively, turns and walks back out.

"What now?" he wonders. It's Sunday morning and he has just had a very restless night due in no small part to his own stubbornness. He dozed off and allowed his pain to get out of control before he called the night nurse.

Ray was still trying to get his head around what had happened yesterday. He still wanted to be clear before he confronted anybody about their apparent indiscretions. At least he had not reacted immediately. He had calmed down and was ready to hear what had happened. Maybe this note would provide some answers. If he was not satisfied, he would investigate transferring to a different rehab facility.

He picked the sheet up and started to read. It was a printout of a computerized incident report. He was familiar with the system. They used it at county. The report was opened at 8pm Friday, by James Walsh. It had been updated at various times over the weekend by a number of people including the facility nurse manager and Jenny. He knew that once something was logged on this system, it could not be deleted nor could the time or date be altered. It could simply be added to and commented on. All follow-up loggings were timed and dated separately. There were four headings.

Description of incident. Remediation. Outcome. Follow-up.

The description, once logged could not be altered in any way. The other fields could be added to but not deleted. Each entry was timed and dated automatically. He had to take the report at face value. He learned in short, clear, clinical terms what had happened, how it happened and how it had been reacted to and dealt with. He learned that an agency nurse had let slip to his mum about the overdose and had been dismissed on the spot for her professional indiscretion. After that someone had talked to his mother. He just did not understand why he had not been told at once.

He conceeded, things had been dealt with professionally. Now he just needed to stay calm and talk to the people involved without losing his head again. He smiled to himself and thought he was finally learning to look before he leaped.

He could hear church bells in the distance summoning the faithful to Sunday worship. He sighed, there was time for strife later. Right now, he just wanted to relax.

He reached for his i-pod, put it on, lay back on his pillows and simply did nothing. He could act later.


	22. How you doin?

It was late Wednesday afternoon and Ray had just returned from the gym and was resting in bed. The week to date had gone as well as it could. He had talked to his mum and everybody else involved in the incident the previous Friday night. He understood that he had been too fragile on Saturday to be told about it but he also understood that nobody had set out to deceive him. Things were now sorted in as far as they could be sorted. His outburst with his mum was going to have long lasting effects. Regardless of what anybody said, she would not be convinced that the overdose was an accident.

After meeting with both Jim and Jake Walsh on Monday, he was satisfied that St Teresa's rehab facility at the Lechatelier Clinic was the right place for him and that any errors in his initial care were down to bad luck and timing. As promised, he was now more fully involved in his own rehab program which felt great. He had been for a swim that morning and he really enjoyed it. It was weird not being able to stand but nonetheless, he felt a wonderful sense of freedom in the water. He wanted an hour in the pool to be part of his daily routine from now on. He had his first session with Jay, the councellor on Monday afternoon and that had really helped him to focus.

He'd talk to his mother again about what had happened but for now, he would simply keep the peace. Thankfully, he was now too busy with his rehabilitation to give it too much thought. He just had to get on with things. Despite the bad start, he was now making excellent progress. That morning, he had seen the surgeon and the flaps were now sufficiently healed to have his first fitting for his own prosthetics. It was exciting being a step closer to walking on his own.

His cell phone beeped. It was a second message from Neela.

. "Hey, hear you're making progress. We're all rooting for you here at County. xx"

Despite himself, his heart fluttered. It would be so easy to text back but he does not want to open the channels of communication just yet. In fact, he's not sure if he'll ever contact her again. He has so many mixed emotions about Neela; chief among them still is anger.

To be honest he's still not up to talking to anybody in Chicago. He's not sure why. Maybe it's because it's a reminder of what he may never get back. He knows that both Pratt and Katey have talked to Jaycee and he will phone Katey soon, maybe when she moves to North Western. She starts her general surgical residency there the 1st July. Then there will be new things to talk about. Plus he wants to make sure, once and for all, that they have left things on a purely platonic basis.

He looks at his phone and wonders about Brett. He wonders what God forsaken hour in the morning he had arrived in Baton Rouge. The first gig is tonight. Part of him would love to be there. He wonders what the guys are up to right now. He could phone Brett and tell him he'd be in Baton Rouge later in the week. Then maybe when the concerts were over he'd tell him the truth. Finally he presses the call button. But it rings out. He leaves a message. Then he dozes off and starts dreaming about gigging with the band.

Sensing a presence in the room, he stirs. At first he thinks he's still dreaming. He closes his eyes and rubs them but when he opens them again, he's still standing there.

"Hey man, how are you doin'?"

"W…what are you doing here? How…?"

Brett raises his hand.

"Now," he says with a smile, "don't get annoyed until I've had a chance to explain. I know what you're like going off half cocked before having all facts at your disposal."

"You mean like resigning my job at county before realizing you guys had fired me?"

"Ouch! You'll never forgive me for that, will you?"

"Don't fret, it's already a distant memory."

"OK, do you want an explanation?"

"I'm all ears." he says as he moves to straighten himself in the bed.

And so without preamble, they fell into the kind of banter they had engaged in for years.

"Well yesterday our manager contacted us to say he had lined up another week of gigs in Chicago and I thought to myself, this time I must contact our old buddy Ray. That's when I discovered my cell phone was missing. No cell phone, no phone numbers. Anyhow …"

"God Brett, you still know how to drag out a story, don't you?"

"OK, OK! I just need to explain. I phoned County General ER and the person there would only say you were on extended leave and they did not know when you'd be back. So I asked to speak to Neela. Apparently, she's on leave too. That made me very suspicious and I thought to myself, now what has Dr. Ray Barnett not been telling me?"

"Man, you really know how to cut a story short!"

"OK, OK!" he repeats, "I knew of only one person who could tell me so when I woke this morning."

"Afternoon." Ray interrupted with a laugh.

"Are you going to let me finish?"

Ray shrugs nonchalantly.

"Anyhow, when I woke, I drove over to see Jaycee. Of course she was at work."

"Yes, Brett some of us mere mortals do, in fact, have day jobs." Ray laughs at his own little witticism. He had forgotten just what good company Brett was. Maybe that's why he'd called him on Saturday.

"Anyhow," Brett continued, "one of the neighbors came over to talk to me and when I mentioned I was your friend, he told me what happened and where you were so here I am."

"Bit of a shock."

"Yeah, he took the wind out of my sails. Dare I say; you look surprisingly well"

Ray smiled, "It's good to see you, man."

"So I made the right decision coming here. I really did not know what to expect. You're OK, right?"

"I'm getting there. Every day's a day. I'm getting stronger. I'm really getting stuck into my physical therapy and it's great."

"Yeah?"

"I was swimming this morning." he said enthusiastically, "I really enjoyed that." he looks straight at Brett and says harshly, "I'm going to walk again, you know."

"With that attitude, you're half way there already. So, you'll get new legs?"

"Yeah, I have my first fitting for prostheses Friday. I can't wait to get started."

"Why didn't you tell me when we spoke?"

Ray looked down at his hands and grimaced.

"I'm just getting my head round everything. I still can't face telling people. It just makes it too real."

Brett nodded but said nothing.

"I'm lucky to be alive. In fact, I'm glad to be alive."

"I'm glad too, man. So how long more are you going to be here?"

"Another week or two, after that I'll be an out patient. We need to get some work done on the house first. We're getting a temporary ramp and fixing up a downstairs bedroom."

"I'm round for a week so if you guys need an extra pair of hands."

"Thanks man. I'm sure mom'd appreciate that."

Just then Jenny popped her head round the door.

"You OK, for pain meds Ray?"

"I could do with a top up."

"Give me a minute."

She comes back in with a small cup.

"You have a drink?"

"Yeah, thanks." Ray replies as he reaches for a bottle of water takes the tablets and swallows them down.

By the way Jenny, this is my friend Brett."

Jenny looks at him and exclaims.

"Hey, you're the bass player with Pickled Angels!"

"That's me." Brett says with a smile. "It's still kinda weird being recognised."

"Don't take any notice Jenny, he loves the attention."

"You should have seen him when he played with us. He was such a narcissist!" Brett retorted.

"You played with Pickled Angels?"

"Yeah, when they were based in Chicago."

"Yeah, back then Ray was our babe magnet."

Jenny looks at him and says, "You sure are full of surprises Dr. Barnett."

"Just imagine, you were probably one of my groupies."

"Not likely. But my kid sister is a huge fan." then she turns to Brett and says, "in fact I'm bringing her to your concert tomorrow night. It's her birthday treat."

"Would you like a backstage pass?"

"Would I what? That would just make her day."

"Consider it done." He takes a note book out of his pocket. "Here, Jenny, isn't it? Write down your name and the names of whoever else will be with you and I'll add you to our guest list. We're having a party after for friends and family, you guys are welcome to come along."

"Thanks. That will really make my sisters day."

Ray sighed.

"Bet you'd just love to be there Barnett."

"To be honest, I don't think I'd be up to that just yet." he said with a sad smile, "Maybe next time."

"I don't know Ray," Jenny said, "maybe an outing is just what you need."

"No thanks Jenny." Ray bites his lip, "I really don't think I'd be able to cope with the crowds. So I'll pass."

"Do you fancy meeting up with the guys before they head back?"

"When are they leaving?"

"They're heading to Chicago Saturday. Maybe we could meet Friday or Saturday."

"It would be great to meet up if my consultant would let me out."

"If I see Jake before you do, I'll mention it. I'd imagine he'll encourage you."

"Thanks Jenny." He suddenly felt antsy, "You know what? I need to get out of bed."

"Here, let me give you a hand. Then I'd better get on with my drugs round." Jenny says as Ray lowers the bed and she moves the wheelchair into place.

He can feel Brett's eyes boring into him as he inches out of bed but he does not look up. It's things like this that still make him feel vulnerable.

"Ok, Brett, it was really nice to meet you. And thanks for the passes. Gabrielle will be thrilled."

For the first time since Brett arrived, Ray feels awkward.

"So," Brett says, "where will we arrange to meet on Friday?"

"Somewhere with wheelchair access," Ray says grimly. His good mood has deserted him.

"OK," Brett says with a smile, "leave it with me. I'll find somewhere interesting."

"I'm sure you will."

"You are OK, right?"

"I'm fine but I can get ratty at times. Sorry."

"No need to apologize. I can't imagine what you are going through, what you've been through."

"It's rough. But I'm coping." he looks Brett in the eye and says, "I had a bit of a wobble last week."

"Not surprising."

"I overdosed on vicodin."

"Christ!"

"Yeah, things became a bit too much for me." Ray said with a sigh.

"And now?"

"I will never again be so stupid." he says with a shake of his head. "I don't want to die."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Now, can we talk about something else."

Brett smiles. "Actually, there's something I've meant to bring up with you for a while. You're listed as a writer for some of our songs. The band owe you royalties."

"Yeah? How much?"

"At least a few thousand."

"Really? Hey that's good news. I've been writing again you know. I've recorded a bit on my own but if you were interested in some of the new material …?" Ray said enthusiastically.

"I'll talk to the guys, I'm sure they'll listen to them at least. Your material is still among our most popular."

"Really?" Ray asked with a grin. "That's good to hear."

"Look Ray, time is pushing on and I'm due to be there for a sound check in two hours. I need to grab a bite to eat."

"There's a pretty good canteen here. They serve until six."

"Now that sounds like a good idea. Will you join me?"

"That's a far better alternative than eating in my room."

"Well what are we waiting for? Do you need a hand?"

"Ah! No. Thanks. Just stay out of my way if you value your toes."

"What are we waiting for? Lead the way."

With that the two friends leave the room together. Ray smiles to himself. It felt like old times.

Almost.


	23. Transitions

Over the next few months, there were many red-letter days. There were highs and there were lows. On the whole, Ray made good progress. At every obstacle, he dug deeper and found a strength he never knew he had.

Meeting the band had been more fun than he cared to imagine. And yes, despite pain medication, he went against doctors orders and had a few beers. It was great to be reckless if even for a few hours. He felt like a schoolboy playing truant.

They jammed together; that had been Brett's idea; and they tried out some of Ray's new compositions. Three pieces in particular suited the band's style and they would consider putting them on their next album. This would mean more royalty payments. It was great to be finally focussing on something other than his health. For the first time since his accident, he actually found he forgot about his disability and the banter and teasing was the same as it had always been. He could see a time when his life would be normal again, even if it were a different kind of normal. But different was good, different was just fine.

He realized that he missed the sense of camaraderie he had always shared with these guys. In fact, more than anything else during the past year, he had missed that. Maybe that's why he had become so obsessed with Neela. Neela had still been there but she was no longer in his life either. Her ambiguity had only exacerbated the sense of emptiness. His life had become empty and boring. Heck, he had become boring. Boring was a word he had never used before to describe himself and it was not a word he ever cared to use again.

His accident had brought his life to a sudden halt. Now he was at a crossroads. But maybe he had reached that crossroads some time ago and had simply failed to notice. From this remove, he did not see himself returning to work in the ER at County General. He missed what he had had in his intern year and he was proud of what he had achieved as an R2. But this past year had been a real drag; he had just been going through the motions. He knew he wanted to remain a doctor and he loved the pace of a busy ER but maybe he needed time out before deciding where he was going next. For now, he'd concentrate on his music and his rehabilitation. He had lots of time before he needed to decide about his medical career. For once in his life, he would not rush into a decision.

Brett called to see him every day while he was staying in Baton Rouge. Most days they went for a drive. It was great to be out-and-about again; and they visited several old haunts neither had visited in years. On Thursday, they went home to check on the renovations at his mother's. He tried out the ramp and it was fine. He realized he would not have been strong enough to push himself up even a week before. Physical therapy was already paying dividends.

Granddad's old office had been converted into a bedroom and a plumber was due the following day to install a new modified shower unit in the downstairs bathroom. All the downstairs was wheelchair accessible something that would not be essential for long, he hoped. He planned to be walking by the end of the year, probably sooner. Before heading back to the hospital, they ate dinner with his mother. Jaycee was visibly relaxed, thanks to Brett.

It was now just over a month since his accident and just two weeks since the blackest day of his life. Every day since, he had been feeling better, feeling more positive. The fourth of July was just four weeks away. He would be home by then. If he had not done so before then, he promised himself he would call Katey on the fourth. By then she would have left County. Surely, by then, she would have other things to talk about.

---------------------------------------------

It was early Sunday morning and Ray lay back on the pillows listening to the street noises outside. The early morning sun slanted through his bedroom window and he could hear a distant church bell call the faithful to prayer. Everything felt new yet familiar. He had never slept downstairs before, he guessed that was why things felt different. But as he had acknowledged to himself many times over the past few weeks, different was good. Strange how they had never considered using this room as a bedroom before, considering it faced north-east and was shaded by overhanging trees. That meant the room stayed relatively cool even at the height of summer. Yes, he was going to be quite happy in this room. It was actually quite difficult to believe he was home and that things had moved so quickly.

On Friday, Ray had had his first fitting for his prostheses. Then he and Jaycee met with his rehab team and they discussed his move home. Once the bathroom was ready and he had his prostheses, there was no reason for him to stay at Le Chatelier. He could attend physical therapy as an outpatient. Jaycee admitted she was nervous about looking after him on her own. He assured her that really he could do pretty much everything; he just needed her there as back-up.

In the course of conversation, Ray had an idea. What if he were to spend this Saturday night at home? Brett could stay over. That way Jaycee would have the support she needed for a trial run and both of them could identify potential problems. The team thought that was an excellent idea. It did not really matter if the bathroom was not ready. He could survive without a shower for twenty-four hours.

On learning about the extra gigs in Chicago, Brett had extended his stay in Baton Rouge. So instead of flying to California on Friday, he would now be flying to Chicago Sunday afternoon. As a result of the late change, he had no big plans for Saturday night and thus was happy to oblige Ray and his mum

So it was that the fifth Saturday after his accident, Ray found himself bag packed and waiting to go home. It was only for the night but hopefully next time it would be for longer. While he waited, he drummed his fingers on his armrests. He felt as excited as a child did on Christmas morning. At exactly 11.30am, Brett popped his head around the door.

"Hey man, you ready to roll?"

"Yeah, I've been waiting for ages. Let's get out of here."

Ray said goodbye to the nurse on duty and they made their way to the car. He guessed this was how a prisoner felt on leaving prison. He heaved a sigh as he leaned back in the passenger seat and Brett put his car into drive. He felt an incredible sense of freedom.

"You ready then?"

"You've no idea just how ready Brett." he said as a huge grin lit up his face.

The night at home had gone really well. They ate dinner with his mum. Then, he and Brett had played some music. Much later they sat on the porch and quaffed beers. His mum joined them for a while and they chatted amicably. After his mum went to bed he and Brett sat for hours just chatting and joking. The only problem he encountered was getting into bed but Brett helped. Once he had his prostheses not even that would be a problem, he thought smiling as he pictured himself walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed before removing his prostheses and swinging the remnants of his legs into bed. Remnants, somehow it did not seem as sad a description as stumps. But really, what did it matter what they were called. He still needed prosthetic legs and feet to make him look whole. But somehow that didn't matter as much any more. With or without his legs he was starting to feel whole again. He smiled contentedly, lay back in the pillows and waited for the rest of the household to wake. He really was getting used to this new reality and things were not nearly as bad as they had seemed in the beginning. Neela had been right, he would get through this. One day he'd show her exactly what he was made of but until he was ready, he would not contact her. A part of him realized that maybe he'd never be ready to contact her and that saddened him. She continued to send regular texts as did many others from County including Katey.

-------------------------------------

The following Friday, Ray had his things packed and was waiting for his mother to arrive. He was going home and would attend his therapy sessions as an out-patient from now on. He had his new prostheses and was wearing them for a few hours every day. They were uncomfortable and he became very sore at times but he was managing. If he took an extra painkiller, he was fine. The world looked brighter than it had three weeks before. For now, he was going to be alternating between a wheelchair and walking with the aid of either crutches or a walking frame. Over the next few months, he would need the wheelchair less and less. Yes, his life was moving forward a pace.

--------------------------------------


	24. New beginings

Once he settled in, his life fell into a routine. Monday to Friday, his mother dropped him off at le Chatelier en route to work. For the first week, she collected him on the way home. Each evening, stressed and tired after a busy day at work she rushed into the kitchen and started cooking. He usually went to lie down for a while. He still could not get used to how tired and battered his body felt. He begged his mum not to fuss but she insisted on cooking for him.

By the end of that first week, he was feeling stronger and more confident and he started to help. At first, he just prepared vegetables at the table. It was easy to peel and chop while he sat in his wheelchair.

Jaycee's house was only four miles from Le Chatelier so after some time, Ray started to get a taxi home in the early afternoon. On Monday, after resting up for a while he decided to prepare the veg. Tuesday he went a step further and actually cooked dinner. A casserole was the easiest option. It was a struggle but the food was bubbling away in the oven when his mum came through the door. She was genuinely delighted when she smelt the cooking and for a few moments, he saw the worried look leave her eyes. Maybe one day it would be gone for good.

Thus, they fell into a routine. Each afternoon when Ray got home, he rested up and then prepared dinner. Cooking was something Ray always enjoyed. As the weeks went by and he became more confident standing and walking, his cooking and preparations became more adventurous. He realised it was from such simple tasks that he gained most satisfaction. It also felt good that he was not a complete burden but was actually contributing.

The fourth of July came and went and the summer wore on. It was hot, humid and tiring. Ray had forgotten just how bad the summers could be in Louisiana. Some days he found his prostheses particularly difficult to tolerate because of the humidity. But he persevered and grew stronger. He could stand for up to an hour at a time now and could walk short distances. He found the walking frame great as he could use it as a seat. On days he was feeling off, he tried to hide the fact from Jaycee. He knew she worried constantly and he hated himself for that. Only time would erase that worry completely. In the meantime, he just had to keep the best face on things.

His life was full and busy. Most evenings, he was physically exhausted and was ready to crawl into bed by nine o'clock. He laughed when he remembered his crazy intern year when he survived on little or no sleep. Now a morning in the gym left him exhausted and the highlight of his day was cooking an exciting evening meal. He realized his body was still healing; pain was wearing him down in addition to which he was exercising very hard. Therefore, there was an explanation for his tiredness.

It was the second week in July before he remembered to call Katey. Wow, that part of his life seemed so far away now. Had it really only been two months? Katey had surely left County by now. He was sitting on the porch in his wheelchair waiting for his mother to come home. Dinner was ready and only needed heating when she arrived. He took out his cell phone, selected Katey's number and pressed call.

After the second ring she answered with a cheery,

"Ray, how are you? I'm so glad you phoned."

"I'm doing pretty well Katey and you?"

"Fine, I've just left the ER after a consult."

"How's North Western?"

"I'm not at North Western."

"Oh?"

"No, somebody dropped out of the orthopaedic surgery intake here at County and I was offered the place. What can I say? … it was a tough decision but better the devil you know, I guess."

There was silence as Ray absorbed the news. People specialising in orthopaedic surgery rarely visited the ER so hopefully he could steer clear of County gossip.

"So, how are you settling in?" he asked nervously.

"Fine. The work is challenging but they're a great team. So … how are you doing?"

"Pretty OK, really. Look, sorry I haven't been in touch. It was just easier… … sorry, maybe that was the wrong choice of words."

"No, that's fine Ray, I understand, you have to focus on you and what's right for you. You've a lot to come to terms with and if you need to do it on your own than that's fine."

"You know I would not have gotten through that first few days without you."

"Hey, you'd have done the same for me."

"Would I?"

"Ray, if I did not think you would, then I wouldn't have put myself out for you. What are friends for?"

"Friends?"

"Ray, you know that's all we are."

"Yes Katey, I just wanted to make sure that you were OK with that."

"Ray, we had this conversation at the hospital," she says in exasperation, "you and I are well and truly over, I am under no illusions. You may have behaved like an ass after we broke up but we cleared all that up when you were in the hospital. Why have you brought it up again?"

"I don't know. I just … Well Katey, I guess I just want to make sure. I don't want to hurt you again."

"Why? Don't tell me you and Neela are together now that she's …"

"Katey, please…"

"Ok, sorry it's none of my business. So have you talked to her?"

"No, look Katey, can we change the subject."

"It's just that …"

"Katey, look I think Neela is one topic you and I had better stay clear of…"

"But Ray…"

"Katey, I phoned, because I'm feeling well and wanted to talk and see how you were getting on, not to argue about Neela Rasgotra."

"OK, OK, change the subject. What progress are you making?"

"Well, I've been using my own prostheses for about a month now. Progress is slow but I'm getting there. I'm living at home with mom now. I spend a few hours at physical therapy every day. Oh and I'm taking driving lessons."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I'm hands only now."

"Right. How's that going?"

"I'm hoping to do my test real soon. I can't wait to have my own car again. Another step on the road to independence, you know."

"Good for you Ray. I'm really glad to hear you so positive."

"Yeah, I've had a few set-backs but I'm getting there."

He wondered if Jaycee had told her about his OD. However, based on her tone over the phone, he guessed not.

"You know everybody here is constantly asking after you, they really wish you the best and hope to see you real soon."

"Thanks Katey. Listen I hear Jaycee's car pulling in, I got to go, I'm on dinner duty."

"Ok Ray, I'll phone soon."

"Thanks Katey, that would be nice. It was good to talk. I guess its bye for now."

"Bye and take care."

As she hung up Katey was frowning. Based on the conversation they had just had, she suspected Ray knew nothing about Neela's accident. Great, just great. She also knew that she could not bring up the topic of Neela again. Why was it that that woman always caused strife between her and Ray? At this moment she hated her for the distress she was obviously causing her friend. Nonetheless, someone needed to tell Ray about Neela. But who?


	25. Shock discovery

It was mid-August, the weather was oppressive and Ray was lying down after a busy day at the gym. He was thinking about what he could get for dinner. He had phoned Jaycee earlier to pick up some groceries but she had been in a meeting. Now he was waiting for her to phone back and had the phone beside his bed.

Just then the it rang. He reached for it and pressed the answer button without looking at the caller ID.

"Hey mom, you heading home soon?"

"Ray, my man, it's not your mother."

He sat up in surprise.

"G …Greg, h-hi!"

"You sound good."

"Yeah, I'm feelin' pretty good," he responds with a little laugh. There was silence the other end so he continued, " Look thanks for all the texts and e-mails. Sorry I haven't been in touch… it's just …"

"You don't need to explain man… I'm sure things have been rough."

"They're getting better. I've got state of the art prostheses and am learning to walk again."

"Yes, I was talking to Katey Alvaro yesterday so she filled me in on where you're at. I figured if you were opening lines of communication, I'd risk giving you a call and so here we are."

"Thanks Greg."

There was silence on the line. Ray really did not know what to say. He was slightly embarrassed when he recalled the last time he and Greg had talked and he felt awkward about generating conversation. He was not sure that he cared to hear what was going on at county. He was not part of that world any more and it was something he was having difficulty coming to terms with. He was still terrified at the prospect of having to make career decisions. It was something he did not have to do and did not want to deal with just yet.

"So… we've missed you. The place has not been the same."

Ray smiled.

"How's everybody?"

"Everybody's good now."

"Have you a new chief yet?"

"Do we ever? Remember Moretti from ICU?"

"I did a placement up there during my intern year. He's a bit pre-historic. Surely he's not the new chief."

"None other."

"Am I glad to be out of there?"

"Yes. He can be quite difficult. But his bark is worse than his bite. I'm actually learning a lot under his guidance. He's really encouraging me to develop professionally."

"Good for you."

"Yeah, who knows, maybe if the post comes up again I might apply."

"That's a change for you. Only two years ago, you didn't apply for chief resident."

"Guess I saw the error of my ways. Hey, the job of chief is a few years down the line, at least. But I want to be ready when the time comes."

"You'd be good at the job."

"You mean it?"

"I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. You're a very fair person always and your colleagues respect you."

"Thanks Ray. Look Ray, I've something to tell you."

Ray felt his stomach tightening. What was coming now? He just knew it was some sort of bad news. Please let them not force him to make a decision about his future before he was ready.

"Wh… what is it?"

"Shortly after your accident, there was an incident."

"What sort of an incident?"

"An explosion at a rally. There was a stampede."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because Katey thinks you don't know."

"Don't know what?"

"Neela got hurt."

"Neela. But she's ok, she's been sending me text messages."

"She's recovering but she's not back at work yet."

"H…how long has she been off?"

"Almost three months."

"Wh … what?" Ray said, sitting up in shock, "How badly was she injured?"

Greg proceeded to outline her injuries and Ray listened. He really was shocked. They had lost people in the ER with less severe injuries than that.

"She's ok now, right?"

"She's making a good recovery."

Suddenly, he was choked up. He couldn't talk any more.

"Greg… look I … I've got to go."

"Ray, are you OK man?"

But he did not answer, he simply hung up.

He lay there for some time in total shock. Then the tears came and he started to shake. He held himself tightly as deep racking sobs shuddered through him. While he had been cursing her very existence, Neela had been barely clinging to life. Jesus, God, Neela. That had been what Katey had been trying to tell him.

When Jaycee arrived home some two hours later, he was still lying there practically catatonic. Dinner had been forgotten.

"Ray? Are you OK?" she asked as she entered his room.

"I … I got some bad news earlier. I …I.."

"Ray, honey what is it? Talk to me."

"Neela nearly died." he looked up and she saw the tears trickle down his face. "She nearly died and I didn't know. That's why it took so long for her to contact me after I came home."

"It's OK," she said as she sat on the bed, reached for him and pulled him into her arms. "It's not OK! God mom, I nearly lost her and I didn't know. What's worse during that time I was cursing and railing at her for not keeping in touch."

He clung to her and cried as though his heart would break.

"Shush now. It's OK you didn't know." She held him as though he were a small child.

They were quiet for a long time then Jaycee asked. "Have you talked to her?"

He shook his head.

"No, Greg Pratt phoned."

"Ah yes, he phoned while you were in hospital."

"He didn't tell you about Neela?"

"No. We did not speak for very long."

"Are you going to phone her?"

He stared out the window and said,

"I can't talk to her," he said with a shake of his head, "not yet. I think I might write to her."

"Why don't you do that? I'll phone for take out tonight. What do you fancy? Chinese, Sushi, Mexican, Italian?"

"God mom, I'm sorry, I forgot about dinner."

"That's fine honey, you've had a shock. You need to take it easy for a while," she said tenderly, "now, what shall I order?"

"I don't really care."

"I fancy Chinese. I'll just order up some noodles, ribs and some Chinese vegetables. How does that sound?"

"That sounds fine." he said with a sad smile. "Mom, thanks."

"For what?"

"Just for being there."

She shrugged and walked away to phone in her order.

After that she made another phone-call.

"James, its Jaycee, can we talk?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Thanks to everybody who continues to read and review. Please excuse any typos and bad editing especially the the mix-up between Jayce and Jaycee. It's Jaycee! I just have to keep reminding myself as my spell check does not always pick it up. Hope it does not aggravate too much._


	26. The letter

The following morning, Ray announced he was not going to his rehab session. He saw the fear in his mother's eyes.

He was sitting in his wheelchair, was not dressed and had not put on his prostheses yet.

"Mom, it's ok, honest. I just feel drained. I had a shock yesterday and I didn't sleep very well last night. I need to spend some time on my own and I want to stay and write to Neela."

"I … I'll call in sick."

"Please don't mom. I need some space."

He fixed her with a penetrating gaze and continued in a firm steady tone. "You've got to trust me, I'll be fine. I promise."

She nodded.

"Ok, tell you what, I'll come home for lunch."

"There's no need."

"I want to, Ray. I'll phone later."

He knew there was no point arguing and he hated that he was upsetting her again.

"Will I phone the hospital?" she asked.

"No. It's ok, I'll take care of that… … Mom, I promise, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Ok? I just need some time on my own."

"Whatever you say. But I'm coming home for lunch."

"Fine." he said with a smile, " I'll have something ready."

"No, there's no need. I'll collect something en route. If you need time to yourself, then take it."

"Thanks mom."

He wished more than anything else that he could erase that watchful, worried look from her eyes. Once more, he cursed his stupid impulsiveness.

After Jaycee left, Ray heaved a sigh. For the first time since he spoke to Greg, he felt himself starting to relax. First things, first he thought as he took the phone and called the physical therapy unit. They were not overly impressed but he really did not care, he needed time out. He took out his guitar and started to play. After an hour, he went and had a shower.

Now he had a job to do. He put on his prostheses, took his crutches and hobbled toward the lounge with grim determination. He sat at his grandmother's old writing desk, took his mothers writing block and a pen and started to write.

_8/__15/07_

_Dearest Neela, _

…………………………………………………_.._

He cringed, 'dearest'. Was that a little over-the-top? He took the sheet and tore it up.

**N****O!** he thought, Neela really was his dearest friend, his best friend. Now what to say? He started again and wrote from the heart.

_8/__15/07_

_Dearest Neela,_

_I spoke with Greg, yesterday and finally learned about your accident. If I had know__n, I would have been in touch before now. I'm relieved, to hear you are making a good recovery. Greg assures me, you'll be back to work real soon. I am pleased for you._

He felt a stab of envy as he wrote that last sentence. But he was pleased for her. Just … No, he was not going to feel sorry for himself.

_Thanks for the text messages of support. They've meant a lot__. And sorry I was not there in the same way for you. You should have told me._

_After a few initial hiccoughs I'm doing pretty well. I've been learning to walk using prostheses for almost two months now and it's going better than I expected. I'm spending lots of time in the pool and in the gym building up my body strength. I'm also learning to drive a manual car. You can't imagine how much I look forward to having my independence back again. Come to think of it, you probably can, as no doubt your injuries left you fairly helpless for a while. I envy the fact that you'll be back in the saddle long before me. Work and career plans are on hold indefinitely. But don't worry, I'm keeping busy. In addition to my rehab I'm doing some song writing for Brett and the guys so I have an alternate source of income until I'm back on my feet,_

He grinned as he added the next word.

_literally!_

_And yes, I will have the best parking spaces. Hah! __I make no apologies AND, I may consider adding racing stripes when I have my new wheels. _

_What do you think? _

_I'm smiling as I write this. HONEST!!!_

_Now, to more serious matters. __I know before my accident, things had gotten pretty weird between us. It's something I can't really deal with just now. I'm not sure if I ever will. I hope so. But for now, I can't stay in touch. There is just so much, I need to sort out first. I hope you understand._

_One more thing, Neela. That last time we met in the hospital, I'm sorry I was so cruel to you. I was just so angry and bitter with the world and took a lot of that out on you. Please know, I hold you in no way responsible for what happened to me. It was an accident. I cringe when I think what preceded it. I really behaved like an ass at the wedding reception. I should not have let Gates get to me like that._

_My experiences over the last few months have made me realize how tough life must have been for you after Michael died. I really wanted to be there for you but I now understand why that might have been difficult for you. Our connection is just too intense. Right? I understand that now and I'm sorry I put pressure on you. Some people are just too difficult to be around. _

_I find I just cannot deal with anything to do with__ Chicago and County right now. It just reminds me of what I have lost and I need to concentrate on what I still have and what I can create for myself right here, right now. Talking to you is just too difficult. It's a step too far. I hope you understand. I don't know when I will feel strong enough to take that step or if I ever will. _

_Know that you will always have a special place in my heart. You are the best roommate and best friend I have ever had. I wish you only the best in life. Get out there and live every day to the full. I am. You owe it to me and to Michael to do the same. Most of all, you owe it to yourself._

_I hope, you understand that I can't stay in touch__; at least not right now. This is not a vindictive act but rather an act of self-preservation._

_Be well, be strong and be happy. _

_Love __always,_

_Ray._

Well, it was done. It was the right thing to do. Both of them needed time to grow, needed to get stronger. He re-read the letter. He had said everything he wanted to say. He hoped she'd understand. He believed she would.

His face was wet. He had not even noticed he was crying.

He picked up the phone and selected the number he needed and as usual got voice mail.

"Hey Jay, it's Ray. I…if you have a free slot before next Monday, I wonder could I see you."

Jay would phone back when he was free.

If Jaycee came home for lunch he might ask her to drop him by the hospital for a swim. He suddenly felt like doing some exercise.


	27. Shockwaves

You put the key in the lock and open the door. You see it at once among the brown envelopes and flyers and your stomach lurches. Before you even see the handwriting you know it's from him. You close the mailbox and head upstairs to your apartment. You just called by to collect some things and check the mail. You decide to wait until you get back to Abby's to open it. Your heart is aflutter. Abby has taken Joe to his paediatrician so you will have the house to yourself for a bit. You're apprehensive about opening it; yet you're curious to know the contents.

The walk back to Abby's takes ten minutes. The letter burns a hole in your pocket. You come in and put on the kettle. Then you sit down at the table and take it out. There's a lump in your throat as you open the envelope and start to read. It makes you smile. It makes you laugh. It makes you cry. It breaks your heart.

That's how Abby finds you when she gets back, just sitting staring into space in floods of tears.

"Hey Neela, honey, what's up?"

You look up at her dazed and confused.

"He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want to see me."

You hold up the letter.

"Can I read it?"

You nod and hand it to her.

She reads quietly then sighs and hands it back to you.

"He really cares for you Neela." Abby said gently.

"But he doesn't want to see me. He wants no contact with me."

"He explains why."

"I really want to be there for him."

She nods and says nothing for a while then says,

"Can I read it again?"

You hand it over.

"Neela, he does not say he does not want to hear from you he simply apologizes and explains why he will not be in contact with you."

"Oh God Abby, this is such a mess. If I had not had my accident, I would have followed him to Baton Rouge."

She looks at you doubtfully,

"Would you?"

"Yes." you say vehemently, "I was planning to book a flight as soon as I got back from the rally. I really wanted to go to him, to be there for him. I love him."

She nods gravely, "I know honey."

"God, he said he loved me too. Why is he pushing me away?"

"Neela, when did he say he loved you?"

"That day in the hospital."

"Neela, remember how when Michael died, you pushed Ray away?"

"That was different."

"In the beginning, maybe, but as time went by, you still found ways to keep him out. All the people who cared about you saw it."

"I … I… I…" you simply shake your head.

"Neela, you needed space to work out what you wanted next. If you had allowed Ray in you would have destroyed whatever chance you had of a future. Now Ray needs that space."

"But he says he may never be ready."

She looks at you intensely and shakes her head,

"…and maybe he never will. That's why he has set you free to get on with your life."

"Maybe I don't want to be free."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do." she says with a gentle smile.

"I'm afraid of being on my own."

"Neela, you're not alone. You have good friends who will always be there for you."

"I was ready to be with him," you say with a broken-hearted moan.

"I know," she says as she takes your hands and squeezes them.

"Neela, if Ray had had patience, if he had given you space, we might not be having this conversation. He failed to see that you were not ready to move on from Michael. You were grieving and needed time. Now he's the one who's grieving. He's the one who needs time. He has explained things as well as he can. He has asked you to respect his wishes. You must honor his wishes."

"But he might never be ready to welcome me back into his life," you say as the tears start to flow.

"Maybe. That's a chance you've got to take. One thing is sure. He's not ready right now. Look, both Pratt and I talked to Ray. We tried to make him see that you were not ready to move on but he refused to listen to any advice. See where that led."

"You think I'm the cause of his accident?"

"No, but I think he was in a very bad place before his accident. He was really behaving like a jerk and I heard what happened at the wedding."

"Oh!"

"Yes, oh."

"I wouldn't make my mind up."

"You were not ready. He did not respect that. If you and he had been on better terms, he'd probably be able to let you in now. But he can't so you must respect his wishes if only because he failed to respect yours."

"You know, this is almost as bad as losing Michael. No, it's actually worse. Michael is no longer on this earth. He can't help the fact he's not here. Ray is still alive, he just does not want me in his life." you rub angrily at the tears that are cascading down your face.

Abby sits silently and holds you while you cry. Gradually your tears subside. But Abby continues to hold you. Eventually you sit up.

"Thank God I'm not back to work for another few days. I certainly would not be fit to go to work tomorrow."

"Neela, things will get better."

"Yeah. Its just going to take time."

"In the meantime, you need to concentrate on getting well. You need to be fit to go back to work next week. The new intake of students and interns need to be kicked into line."

You laugh. "There will be plenty to keep me busy then."

"Exactly."

"Abby, thanks."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

"I think, I'll go for a walk."

"You sure you're ok."

"Yeah, I will be once I've had a bit of exercise."

"Take it easy, it's warm today."

"Thanks mom!"

"Hey, you were grateful for my tender care five minutes ago."

You turn and give her a hug before you head out the door.

"You're a good friend Abby. By the way, I've decided to move out before I head back to work."

You note the look of disappointment and wonder if you've made the right decision. It never occurred to you that maybe Abby needed you as much as you needed her. Ah well, the die was cast now.


	28. Journey continues

As Jaycee closes the door, she hears the guitar music and heaves a sigh of relief. James had been right, as usual. Ray needed to take charge of his life and there were going to be speed bumps on his road to recovery. Problem was, she had to learn to trust him again, she thought sadly.

"Hey," she says as she popped her head round the lounge room door.

"Hi!"

"I got chicken, tomato and avocado for lunch and I also got fresh bagels. There are fresh peaches for desert."

"Great, I'm hungry," he says as he lays his guitar to one side.

He reaches for his walking frame and stands.

"Do you prefer the frame or the crutches?"

"It depends what I'm doing. If I'm cooking or when I need to carry something the frame is easier. But if I want to improve my balance or get round fast then the crutches are better."

"You're in better form than this morning."

"I told you," he shrugs, "I just needed some time on my own. Are you in a hurry back to work?"

"Why?"

"I thought I might go for a swim but I can get a cab."

"No, that's fine," she says with a smile, "I have time to drop you off. We just need to eat a little faster."

While they were eating she asked, "Did you write your letter?"

"Yes," he says and she notes the sadness in his tone.

He sees the worry in her eyes once more.

"Jaycee, I'm fine, honest."

She nods.

He stands carefully when he's finished, "Can you tidy here? I need to get my things together so I need a few minutes."

"Sure, not a problem." But she's still tense.

'Damn,' he thinks as he makes his way to his room 'is every crisis going to be like this?'

A while later he hears her call, "Are you alright in there?" She had heard him muttering to himself.

Rolling his eyes he acknowledges, he has only himself to blame for her vigilance.

"Yes, Jaycee just coming," he says, turning and walking gingerly out of the room holding onto his walking frame.

The awful horror of falling flat on his face and having to ask for help, prevented him relinquishing his hold on this little baby. Pride and vanity had always been his downfall, he thought sardonically. Patience he had learned was a virtue to counteract both of those vices. Strange, that the indignity of hobbling around with a walking frame was preferable to falling flat on his face. Some day soon he would throw it aside just not right now. For once in his life he was content to take things slowly.

His mother notices his expression as he emerged from his room once more. She noticed everything these days.

"Are you OK?" she asks, concern etched on her features.

"Mom, I'm fine, honest. You've got to stop fretting. Its been more than three months. It was a mistake. I will never do anything like that again, I promise." he chided gently.

Jayce nods, "C'mon, we're going to be late," she flusters heading toward the car, "will you lock the door after you?"

Stowing the frame in the back of the car, he makes his way slowly round the car and eases himself gently into the passenger seat. His mum has the radio on full blast at some country and western station. By the set of her jaw, it's obvious she does not want to talk.

Taking her hand, he raises his voice above the music and says once more.

"I really am fine." There's silence for a time. Then he continues. "Last night was a minor setback mom; there will be more along the way."

Jaycee simply nods. They drive in silence. Ten minutes later Jaycee pulls up outside the main door of the Le Chatelier clinic and Ray gets out carefully. If he were honest, it was things like this, that irked most about his new circumstances. He really found it difficult to stay organised all the time and having to do things slowly and methodically was a real pain sometimes.

"Thanks mom, I'll get a cab home."

"Oh Ray, I'll be late home this evening, I …I've something on after work. I don't need dinner."

"Sure! In that case, I might just get something to eat here before I leave. See you later. I hope you have a nice evening."

"Thanks."

He notices her slight blush as he waves goodbye and wonders if she's going on a date. Now that would be something, he grins.


	29. More surprises

Ray usually hit the pool at this time but he thought he might do a short session in the gym to make up for missing his morning session. He checked and it was almost empty so he decided to kit out. The pool was open until 5.30pm and he could get something to eat until 7pm so he could take his time and fit in a gym session first. He was in no hurry home as Jaycee was going to be late.

Ten minutes later and he entered the small gym. There was someone on the only rowing machine adapted for amputees, so Ray decided to start with some weight training. The guy on the rowing machine was in pretty good shape. He seemed to have incredible upper body strength probably built up over years. He wondered who he was. He had not seen him here before. He looked younger and fitter than most of the people Ray met here. From the back, he did not recognize him as a fellow patient. As he watched, the man stopped rowing, turned and reached for his prostheses. When he turned Ray got the shock of his life. It was his consultant. His hair was cut short, a number 2 blade he guessed. That's why Ray had failed to recognize Jake from the back.

He waved when he saw Ray and ambled over.

"Hey. I heard you were playing truant today."

"I decided I needed some exercise after all." Ray knew his face registered his surprise.

Jake smiled and said "So, you never guessed my secret?"

"I … I had no idea."

"Yeah, a road accident in 1989." he said casually, "I guess I was so young I recovered and got used to my new reality pretty quickly."

"I don't know what to say."

"There's no need to say anything. But if you've any questions, please ask."

"I feel like an ass for feeling so sorry for myself."

"That's probably why I don't tend to tell people straight off. Everybody needs time to adjust and grieve. The last thing people in crisis need, is to feel they have to live up to something somebody else has achieved."

Ray started to laugh.

"I guess you're right. If I thought you were trying to set an example, I might not have responded too well."

"I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?"

"I've been good, thanks. I have my frustrations but it gets easier."

"Glad to hear that. So what frustrations do you have?"

"Pain and discomfort mainly. My stumps are still very tender."

"That might be an ongoing problem." he replied with a frown.

"I'll get used to it, I guess." Ray said with a shrug.

"When is your next appointment with me?"

"Next Tuesday, I think."

"OK, think about issues and questions and write them down."

"Yes doctor," Ray grinned.

"Sorry, that sounded patronizing."

"Not at all, I'm a patient here. And they do say doctors make the worst patients. I know I can be pretty careless at times."

He grinned and shook his head.

"In fact, it's already got me into a few scrapes."

"Oh?"

"Acting before I think is a problem."

Jake looked at him quizzically.

He started to laugh, "I got out of bed without thinking last week. I don't know who got the bigger shock me or mom when she heard the crash."

"Ouch! That seems to be a common problem. I've never done it myself, probably because I was that much younger when I lost my legs."

"Ah well, no serious damage done except to my pride."

"Glad to hear it."

"Mom insists that some plaster has come loose from the cellar ceiling but I don't believe her."

They both laugh at Ray's little joke. Then he became serious.

"To be honest my biggest frustration at the moment, is the fact that it takes me so long to do everything and that I need to make sure I'm properly balanced. I get very impatient."

"You will speed up and balancing will become second nature, like riding a bike."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Just then Jakes pager buzzed.

"Whoops is that the time? I'm running late for my afternoon clinic. I'll see you on Tuesday I guess."

"Sure thing Jake. It was good to talk."

------------------------------------

As Ray was leaving the gym, he ran into Jay.

"Hey, I was just about to phone you. I heard you hadn't been in today and after your phone-call I was worried."

"I'd a few things to do this morning but I decided I needed to let off steam after all."

"You OK?"

"Yeah. I got some bad news yesterday but I think I'm working through it on my own."

"I'm booked out this evening but I could squeeze you in tomorrow."

"No. I'll be fine 'til Monday."

"Are you sure? You've been doing great in the daily group sessions but I guess you're looking for a one-on-one."

"Yeah, it's a private matter."

"A woman?"

Ray nodded, "I think, I'm working through it. It can keep 'til Monday."

"You sure? I know the first time can be hard."

"It's nothing like that; it's not an emergency."

"Ok, then. If you feel you need to take a break from the group sessions until after you've seen me, don't feel under pressure. They're not mandatory. They're meant to be an aid."

"Thanks Jay, I'll bear that in mind."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The afternoon went by quickly after that and shortly before 5.30 Ray was packing his kit bag after his swim and thinking of heading to the canteen for something to eat. He wondered what he would do for the evening. Maybe he could go to the movies. It was time he ventured out on his own. As he closed his bag and placed it on his walking frame he saw the letter in the outside pocket. He almost forgot to post it. He could get a stamp in the gift shop and there was a post box at the main entrance.

He headed to the shop in the foyer. Less than ten minutes later, he stood in front of the post box, glaring at the letter in his hand.

"If that's a letter bomb or anthrax, I wouldn't send it if I were you."

Ray looked up and gave a dry laugh.

"It's pretty incendiary all right."

With that, he dropped it into the mail-box.

"Ah well, the deed is done now," he said grimly.

"You OK man?"

"Yeah, just trying to put things on hold and give myself some space."

"Ah, a woman."

"God. You're the second person to say that."

"Relationships and career are the only things to cause us to take stock."

"Profound."

"So, you're mother has abandoned you."

Ray looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"I usually get home on my own steam."

"Oh right, you've got your new license then."

"No. I'm getting a cab. But first I'm going to grab some food in the canteen."

Jake shuddered.

"Hey, the food is quite good here." Ray defended.

"Look, I was on my way downtown to meet a mate for something to eat if you'd like to join us."

Ray was a little baffled by his familiarity and shook his head.

"Come on," Jake said, "your mother is out, have you something better to do?"

"Well no, but …"

"Hey man," he says raising his hands, "I'm straight. I'm not hitting on you or anything."

Ray laughed out loud. This guy was baffling.

"You're my consultant."

"Look, Dr. Barnett, lets face it, with you the edges are a bit blurred. We are almost like family."

"I am still your patient."

"Consider this part of your physical therapy."

Jake's enthusiasm was infections.

"OK, you've convinced me."

"God, you did not take much persuading."

"Like you said, I've nothing better to do. It's hardly like I have a hectic social life at the moment."

"Hey, you're the only one who can change that."

"Actually, I was thinking of going to the movies on my own. So it's not as if I'm not taking charge of my life." Ray said in a slightly defensive tone.

Jake became serious, "Sorry Ray, I was not intending to nag you. You really are doing great. You've come an incredible distance in three months. In fact, you're one of the most motivated patients I've ever worked with."

"Seriously?"

"Very seriously. My advice to you, try not to take things to heart. That was just a throw away comment I made and not meant as a criticism."

"OK, sorry if I over-reacted."

"That's the nature of a fighting spirit. Come on, lets get out of here."

"Just one thing, could we swing by my place to get my crutches. I feel a little less like a geriatric if I use crutches."

"We must maintain standards. That frame is so-o last year."

Ray laughed out loud. Jake turned to him and said.

"Wait right there, I'll be back."

He suddenly felt like he'd know Jake Walsh for years. He was very like Brett and he knew if he met him in any other situation, they would have been friends. Forget patient-doctor relationship, if Jake was cool about it, he could be too.

Jake reappeared with two crutches.

"Consultant privileges," he said with a cheeky grin, "OK, doctor, are we ready to rock?"

Ray grinned, "Lead the way."

As they sat into the SUV, Ray marvelled at the ease with which Jake managed everything and the speed at which he moved. He wondered if he would ever be as comfortable with his body again.

"You make everything seem so easy."

"Hey, this is my normal. Remember I never learned to drive any other way. Do yourself a favor. Try not to compare."

"OK, but at least watching you gives me something to work towards."

"Just remember and no pun intended, you have to learn to walk before you can run."

"As usual, you're right."

"So. The letter, want to talk about it?"

Not right now. Its long and complicated and well no, just not right now. OK?"

"Sure. How did today's session go?"

"Fine. Good. I'm finding muscles I never knew I had."

"Yes. The upper body adapts surprisingly quickly."

"So who are we meeting with?"

"A friend I studied with, he's just moved back home and set up his own small community clinic."

"That's ambitious."

"Yes, he's finding it hard going. He has two good practice nurses but he finds it hard to get doctors to work part time."

Ray is quiet for a few minutes.

"Jake, are you networking?"

"No. But now that you say it that's not a bad idea eventually. To be honest, I think it might be too soon yet but maybe in a month or two, a part-time gig like that might be just what you need. But you are the best judge of what you can and can't do."

"Oka-ay!"

"Trust me, this evening was purely spontaneous. I knew your mother was out and when I saw you, I thought you might enjoy the company. I figure you've been too busy of late to set up a busy social calendar."

What was going on here, Jake had just made another reference to Jaycee? Ray was definitely missing something.

"Wait a minute, Jake, how do you know my mother is out?"

"You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"God, my dad has been behaving like a teenager over the last while. Jaycee has made a huge impression."

"What?" Ray cried incredulously.

"Yes, he's been taking her for regular lunch dates for weeks now."

"I had no idea!" With that Ray started to laugh. "I can't believe she didn't say anything. This afternoon was the first time I even suspected she might be dating."

"Yes, dad was very put out when she cancelled their lunch date today and insisted that they meet after work. When I saw your hang-dog expression over being abandoned, I took pity on you."

"My hang-dog expression had nothing to do with my mother."

"Ah, the woman."

Ray's expression became grave.

"Look Jake the whole story is long and complicated and I don't want to go into it right now but well, there was someone before I left Chicago. We parted on bad terms and I was avoiding contact with her. I discovered yesterday that she almost died in an accident shortly after I left Chicago."

"I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't have been so flippant. Is she OK?"

"Apparently."

"You haven't talked?"

Ray shook his head gravely, "Like I said, it's complicated. I've written to her and I'm hoping to let sleeping dogs lie for the moment. The whole thing is more than I can deal with right now and I don't know if that will ever change."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Shit happens!" There was a short silence then he shrugged and changing the subject grinned and said, "So…oo, your dad and my mum. That's why you were being so familiar with me."

"Yes. What did you think?"

Ray laughed until the tears streamed down his face.

"I really thought you were one of the most unconventional doctor I had ever met."

"Ray, I do not behave that flippantly with all my patients."

"I'm relieved to hear that."

"Christ all my quips about blurred boundaries and almost family."

"I thought you meant the hippocratic family."

"The what???"

"Hippocratic as in hippocratic oath!"

"Geez, you are obtuse.!!!"

"I just enjoy verbal gymnastics."

"Oh, right!"

They were enjoying the banter as they pulled into a car park and Jake made for one of the disabled spots. Ray felt himself cringe. Despite his jokes, he still felt uncomfortable with the whole disabled thing. Jake noticed his discomfort but said nothing.

"Do you need any help?"

"No. provided I take things slowly, I'm fine." Ray replied with a smile.

"Well we're right beside the entrance and there are no steps. So take your time. Have you ever been here before?"

"Actually, I met some friends here a few weeks ago."

"Ah, so you do have a social life."

"I used to play with a band. They were in town so we met up."

"I remember, Jenny mentioned it at the time. So you were in a punk band?"

"Guilty. In fact, I've written some of their material and will have some music on their new album as well."

"So. Not just a one trick pony."

"Far from it. In fact, it looks like I may be in a position to earn from my musical compositions."

"Good for you. Ah there's Scott." He waved to a tall skinny guy with mousey brown hair who was seated at a corner table. "You managing OK?"

"Yes, thanks."

At the table, Jake introduced the two men.

"Scott, this is Ray Barnett. Now, how best to explain Ray." Jake said with a flourish, "He's a patient, a fellow medic and the poor man is in shock because he's only just discovered our parents are dating."

"That's some introduction. Hi Ray, I'm pleased to meet you," Scott said extending his hand. Then stood to help Ray to sit.

"Thanks man." Ray said and he meant it.

"So, you're a doctor?" Scott said as he sat back down, "What's your speciality."

"I was an ER doc. in County General, Chicago before my accident."

"Jake told you about my venture?"

"He mentioned on the way here."

"You should call by for a look some time. We usually just do minor injuries. I'm always on the look-out for people to cover part-time hours."

"Once I'm driving again, I'd love to call by and check things out."

"You're welcome any time. So, what happened to you?"

"I got knocked down by a truck three months ago."

"Just three months ago! You've made great progress."

"I guess so. I've never had a huge interest in rehab medicine until I became a patient so I've no idea how fast my progress is."

"Jake has been trying to get me to change specialities for years."

"He's right Ray, I feel that not enough medics consider PM&R seriously because it has a reputation for being slow. But with all the vets coming home for the middle east, the demand is huge at the moment for good specialists. I never planned to work in the area. But I felt like a traitor when I saw how few of my colleagues even considered it."

"OK, Jake enough of the hard sell. Are you guys going to order? Are you able to drink Ray?" he said as he called a waitress.

Ray looked from one doctor to the other. Jake put his hands in the air and said, "Doctors orders are avoid alcohol where possible but a beer or two will do nothing more than give you a hangover. Its entirely your choice tonight Ray."

"In that case I'll have a bud please."

When the beers arrived Jake stood and said

"Let's toast to romance and to finding the happy ever after."

It was after 10pm when Jake dropped Ray home. He had texted his mother earlier to let her know he was out. She was already home when he returned.

He could not hide the smirk when he met her.

"Nice to see you're in better form again."

"You seem in pretty good form yourself" he said as he gave her a hug. "Did you have a good time?"

"Ah, yes, I guess so."

He was still grinning manically at her.

"Ray, have you been drinking?"

"I just had one beer."

"Well, what's up with you then?"

"You tell me."

She shook her head, totally baffled.

"Mom," he said with a laugh, "I know."

"Know what?" but at least she had the good grace to blush.

"I know about your date, or should that be dates."

"Oh!" she blushed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I … I didn't know how you'd react."

"Mom, I'm a grown man not some kid you need to humor."

"Well last time …"

"Mom, last time you were behaving recklessly and those men were treating you like shit at a time when you were very vulnerable. Jim Walsh is different."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. He's is a decent man and I like him a lot. I know he will treat you well."

"So, you approve."

"It shouldn't matter if I do or not so long as you're happy."

"I'm very happy Ray," she said as tears came to her eyes.


	30. The godsend

Despite his idiosyncrasies, you love Howard.

He's like a kid brother. In some ways, he reminds you of what you were like as an undergrad. He is your only source of entertainment in this sad new world you inhabit. If anything, you miss Michael more this year than last. Last year, your friends were there to support you, Pratt, Abby, Morris, Sam, Chuny, Haleh. They all rallied round. Last year Ray was there to champion you and yes, Tony was there to distract you. Let's face it, all Tony ever was, was a distraction, a means of running away from your pain, sadness and confusion. You used him just as much as he used you. His life was even sadder and more messed up than your own. Wow, you were being brutally honest today. Now everybody had moved on, even Abby had become remote and distant. You suppose she must be missing Luca like crazy. Now you only had Howard. Well maybe Lucien was there as well but at a distance.

Thank God for Howard.

He said he'd call around later to set up your Skype account. You should have done it years ago. It would have saved you a fortune in phone bills to the UK. Face it though; you and technology had always had a love-hate relationship. In the book of Neela, under technology is clearly written, what can go wrong will go wrong and generally does with the worst possible consequences. Remember that dreadful conference with Lucien when …! No Neela, not again! Why do all trains of thought lead back to him, the one person you need to forget right now?

Tears start to well as you recall your confession to Lucien. That was the night you realized how deep your feelings for him really were. Damn, why had Michael gone back to Iraq and complicated your life so much? If only Michael had stayed, you would not have been living with Ray. You would not have fallen in love with him. You would still be just friends, uncomplicated, just friends. There's a knock on the door and you wipe away the tears briskly with the sleeve of your sweatshirt. You rub your open hands across your face and smooth your hair. It's him, you think as you dash toward the door.

Thank God for Howard!

"Ouch!" you say loudly as you stub your toe on the coffee table, then stumble across the living room tripping over the rug as you go. What a klutz! You stumble, grab hold of the door lock to steady yourself, and then open the door.

"Are you ok?" he asks as he grabs your elbows in his hands to steady you. Even that simple gesture reminds you of him.

"Yes, shit, I just stubbed my toe." you say in frustration.

"Here sit down let me check it out." he says as he leads you towards the couch.

You look over your shoulder and blink away the tears as he examines you.

"There," he says with his goofy smile, "no broken bones, you should put an icepack on it to keep the swelling down."

"I know that Howard, I am a bloody doctor, after all."

He smiles coyly, in that geeky way of his, but says nothing. You're sorry you were so gruff. He really is a sweet kid.

Thank God for Howard!

"Would you like something to drink?" you ask as you limp towards the fridge.

"No thanks, I'm good. Now where's this new laptop of yours 'til we get started. You do have broadband, right?"

"Yes, Howard," you say in exasperation." Why does he always double-check and treble-check everything? He reminds you so much of your geeky kid brother. Hey Neela, steady on, this kid is doing you a big favour.

Thank God for Howard!

With that, you take out your new, state of the art laptop.

"Do you mind if I check my e-mail first?" he asks.

"No," you shrug, "fire ahead. You sure you don't want a drink?"

You remind yourself of Mrs Doyle in 'Father Ted.' 'you will, you will, you will!'

You smile at your private joke but there's no point sharing. Howard would not get the reference to a British TV show, an iconic British TV show at that. Come to think of it, it was probably more accurate to call it Irish.

"What do you have?" he asks as he boots up and logs on.

"Coke, beer, apple juice, water."

"A coke would be great, thanks."

You smile some more, why is it that people always change their mind once pressed.

As you hand him the coke you inadvertently look over his shoulder.

"Hey, that's not e-mail."

"Sorry!"

"No, no. That's fine!"

"It's my Facebook account. It's a great way of keeping up with friends, especially if you have no time to talk or e-mail. You can leave updates about what you're at, photos all sorts of stuff. And you can check their accounts once you're a friend."

"Cool, I had heard of it. It sounds like a great idea."

"Look, here's my list of friends. When I click on Doug here, for instance, I can check what he has been up to recently. What's your e-mail address? I can invite you on if you like."

"You know what Howard, that's a great idea. I've so many friends all over the place that I would really love to keep in touch with but never seem to have the time. Also with the time difference between here and the UK, it's not always convenient to phone if you want to talk."

"I'll invite you right away. Now what's your address?"

You call it out. A few clicks and he adds the address and presses send.

"Next time you log onto your e-mail, my invitation will be waiting. You just need to accept it. Then once you're on Facebook, you can figure it out for yourself."

"Great, thanks Howard."

"Now let's get you Skyping."

You smile and think.

'This guy really is a godsend.'


	31. That empty feeling

You're busy at work.

You're glad of the distraction.

You've sent a few text messages, but now that you know he won't be in touch you lose heart.

You need to bury yourself in work. Today and tomorrow are your days off. Tuesday can't come fast enough.

You've been back in the apartment a week now. It's lonely and empty.

You've told Abby that you'll look after Joe in the morning as her Nanny has a dental appointment. Until then you're on your own.

You turn on your TV but can't settle.

You take out the letter and read it again. This must be the hundredth time.

You know Abby is right.

He does care for you. The word dearest cuts through you like a knife.

You start to cry.

He is your dearest friend and you are obviously his. This enforced exile, for that is surely what it is, makes you realize how he must have felt last year. Knowing does not help. It only makes you feel worse. Look hard, you urge yourself, and take the positives from this letter.

He's glad you've texted.

He's doing fine.

He's making progress.

That's not just good that's great news.

He's sorry for what he said at the hospital.

He doesn't blame you. But you blame you.

He understands why you pushed him away after Michael's death. But how can he?

You don't fully understand that. That awful crippling guilt was incomprehensible.

He tells you to get out and live life to the full. But your life is so empty without him.

You know now he was the only one who could possibly fill the void left by Michael. Why didn't you let him in? Because he intensified the pain and guilt. The guilt was unbearable.

You want to stay in touch. The occasional text is not the way. There has to be a way that won't cause him stress.

You decide to call home.

You take out your laptop to turn on Skype. Howard was so sweet to help you set it up.

You decide to check your e-mail first. As you log on, you realise Howard has once again provided a solution.

You log onto e-mail then you accept his invitation to Facebook and log on.

You activate your account.

You invite Ray. Now all you can do is wait.

You hope this is the solution.

You log off and conntect to Skype. Time to phone home.


	32. Close call

At lunchtime, the gym was almost empty. There were only two other people at the other end of the room. The new physiotherapist Sarah was slowly putting an elderly stroke patient through her paces. You were running later than usual as you had spent extra time doing weights. While doing some cooling down exercises, you heard a gasp and looked up. The stroke patient was on the floor and Sarah was kneeling beside her calling "Helen, Helen…"

To this day, you do not know how you got from the weight bench to the patient. You do, however, recall cradling Helen's head in your lap and checking for a pulse as Sarah ran to call for help. The old lady had gone into full arrest. You heard Sarah on the phone saying "… crash cart." Then she was back and you barked instructions while she commenced CPR and you did mouth to mouth. You were in charge. Two more people arrived with a trolley and a crash cart. Someone shouts, "Clear!" and you move back while they shock her. You check and report, "There's a pulse, …"

"OK," someone says, as they lift her onto the trolley. "Thanks Sarah, we'll take it from here" one man says then he turns to you, "thanks mate, you may just have saved her life."

Then they're gone.

"Are you OK?" Sarah asks.

You feel strangely exhilarated.

"Yeah, thanks!"

Now you realize how ridiculous you must look on your ass on the floor as she towers over you.

"Here, let me help you," she brings over a wheel chair and helps you hoist yourself up. You can see admiration in her eyes.

"You really took charge back there, how come you knew what to do?"

"I'm a doctor."

"Oh! I didn't know."

"Well I was before my accident."

She smiles, "you still are, no doubt about that."

"I don't know. I can't see myself keeping up with the pace in a busy ER again."

"It's too soon to say that. You certainly know your stuff."

"I guess, there are some things that just become second nature. What I did just then, that was part of my daily routine."

"Do you miss it?"

"I haven't had time to think about it. I have been kinda busy," you say sarcastically.

She laughs.

"I was just about to break for lunch," she says "would you like to join me? I still don't know too many people round here."

"Sure," you say with a shrug, "just give me a few minutes."

You reach for your prostheses and put them on. Then you stand carefully. So much now, had to be done carefully. Pride prevents you reaching for your walking frame.

"I'm ready, lets go!" you say as you head carefully towards the door. You know there are handrails in the corridors.

"So, you're an ER doctor," she says as she slows to keep pace with you, "where do you work?"

"I was working at County General in Chicago."

"You were working in Chicago?"  
"Yeah, I moved home after my accident to recuperate."

"Oh, so will you go back?"

"That's something I don't want to think about right now."

"Right. That's wise I guess. How long has it been?"

"Almost four months."

"What? You're already walking on your own."

"Not all the time."

"I've seen you round. You move really smoothly. I had presumed your accident was at least six to eight months ago."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. You've made remarkable progress."

"Thanks for the compliment, I guess. To be honest, I think I was just trying to impress you by not using my walking frame."

She laughs again as you enter the canteen.

"You mean you figure you have to do more than jumping to my aid and directing a resuss in order to impress me."

"Like I said that's a normal day's work for me. Maybe I was just being vain about the walking frame."

"Are you too vain to accept help carrying your food?"

You raise your hands and laugh, "You have me there. I had not thought about that logistical problem. Any help offered will be gratefully accepted."

"OK," she says with a broad smile.

You both order and pay, then Sarah carries the tray of food while you make your way carefully towards a free table. As you sit you feel a twinge and realize you've almost reached your limit. You take a box of Tylenol from your pocket and take two.

"Have you stopped taking strong pain-killers already?"

"If I think paracetamol is sufficient I avoid taking stronger stuff."

"You ought not to be in pain."

"Pain is bearable most of the time and I find the more exercise I do, the less pain I have."

Good for you, you really seem to have the right attitude."

You shrug. "I try to gauge my limits. It helps being a doctor."

"So, how do you fill your days?"

It feels good to be talking to somebody new.

"I'm fairly busy. I come here most mornings and spend a few hours between gym and pool. Some days I attend group therapy and I also have driving lessons most afternoons."

"Have you to do your test again?"

"Yes. I'm booked in for next week. I can't wait. I hate relying on others to get from A to B. The sooner I have my own car again, the better."

"You're an independent spirit."

"I guess so." There's silence for a few minutes. Then you ask.

"So, what brings you to Le Chatelier?"

"I went to college in Baton Rouge. I moved to Huston for post-grad training and then worked there for a few years but found I missed my life here. Most of my friends were still here or hereabouts. My undergrad years were the best socially. Mind you, working here is a bit different. Still I figure I'll enjoy life here. I hope so, anyhow. How do you find it since you've been back?"

"Riveting!"

"Sorry!"

You start to laugh.

"That was meant to be sarcastic. God, have I really got that dull? In all honesty, I have been busy, just not socially. Give me time though."

She checks her watch, "Cripes, it's nearly 2pm," she says. "Sorry Ray, I've got to dash. My next patient is due shortly. It's been really great talking. And, thanks for earlier."

With that she's gone. You sit and finish your lunch and mull over the last hour. You smile to yourself. It's almost time to start thinking about your career. Once you get your car, you might call by Scott's clinic for a look. You've got to start somewhere.

That evening after dinner you play your guitar for a while. You're still fairly fired up about what happened that afternoon. You told your mother over dinner and she really was delighted for you. But it is not enough somehow. You saved somebody's life. For the first time since your accident you felt like a real doctor. You felt you had a purpose again. You wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

Then you remember Neela's e-mail from a few weeks back. Heck, why not? What had you got to lose? You go to the computer in the living room and log on. You accept her invite to Facebook. You spend a few hours investigating the program. You decide against adding too much to your profile just yet. Wait and see how many of your friends have accounts.

You're like a child when you add the following to you wall.

'Helped in an emergency today. Saved an old lady's life!'

Yes. Doc Rock was back.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**I know we're not meant to do this but here goes nothing! Thanks to everybody who continues to read. Thanks to anybody who takes the time to review and please, I mean it, if something does not ring true, please say! Special thanks to Modsho, KG, Sammy and Starryjen for all the extra encouragement. I owe it to you guys to finish. Past the half-way mark but lots more to come, already written but needs more editing. No huge surprises but some nice little twists I hope.** **Once I'm finished, whenever that is, I look forward to catching up on all unread fics. Keep writing and have fun doing it.**


	33. Milestones

Over the next several months, all key events in your life are recorded on you 'facebook' page. It proves to be a great way to keep in touch, without having to actually talk to people, you're not ready to talk to. You hope she's checking; you're pretty sure she is. You check her 'facebook' page regularly. She speaks a lot about her career and that seems to be going really well. Good for her. But somehow, you feel sad for her. Career and certain TV shows is all she mentions. There's an occasional dig at her student Harold who is also on 'facebook'. But other than that her personal life seems very quiet. You wonder about her and Harold but no, judging from his photo, you don't think he's her type. Anyhow, he's much too young. AND he is her student. You've no idea what's happened with her and Gates but based on her page, you gather they are no longer together. That alone is a relief.

Your 'facebook' page is hardly more exciting.

You have one posting for September, the life you saved. You heard that the elderly lady Helen had in fact had a bad reaction to her medication and made an excellent recovery. How was it, that the least likely were often the ones to recover? Thank God you were there.

In October, you mention that you've passed your driving test. Another strike for freedom. Your physical progress has slowed down markedly and you are still using crutches. In the beginning, every day brought huge changes now improvements were hardly perceptible. You refuse to get disillusioned. Your counselling sessions help you work through the disappointment. Talking with fellow amputees in group is even better. Having a good bitch about frustrations really helps.

In November, you post a photo of your new specially adapted car complete with racing stripes. You just can't resist. Of course you get lots of ribbing. Let's face it that's partly why you added the stripes.

November is also the month you visit Scott's community clinic. You like what you see and before long, you are working there a few hours a week. Nothing too taxing but it is good to be working as a doctor again. You still have not made any decisions about your future. Truth be told, it's too soon.

Christmas and New Year come and go and you post Happy Holiday greetings. It saves writing cards. You post photos of a New Year party you attend with Jake and some of the staff from Le Chatelier.

In January, you announce the forthcoming album by "Pickled Angels". Two of your tracks are featured. You're really proud of this posting. Finally, you can say that you're a doctor and a song writer. You realize at the end of the month that you have not used your crutches since Christmas. Another strike for freedom.

In February, you post some photos of your Mardi Gras shenanigans. Brett had been home for a few days and together you had painted the town red. Jake and Scott had joined you.

Jake is not only your consultant, he has also become a good friend and as the situation between Jaycee and Jim appears to be a permanent fixture, your paths cross frequently both personally and professionally. Scott, he and you go clubbing regularly. The three of you have a lot in common. Sometimes Jenny, Sarah and some of the younger staff from le Chatelier join you.

On one such outing to a local pub, where there are only the three of you, things are quiet and the topic comes round to your future. Scott is really impressed with your skills and after three months, you are pretty much up to speed again. However, he is not in a position to take on another full-time physician so it's time to start exploring other options. You know you can still go back to complete your residency in Chicago. You have plenty of time to complete your R3 year and start as a fourth year resident in July.

Of course Jake suggests PM&R. Now that you're getting work as a song writer, maybe it's a good idea to consider an alternate direction for your medical career something less time-consuming.

You go home that night and post.

"Ready to get back on the career ladder. Would welcome suggestions."

You're not sure why you post that and are even less sure if people will advise you. You look at the date March 25th. It's been almost a year since your accident. Your life has changed so much. You have met and passed so many milestones and you know there are more to come. But you feel good.

You smile to yourself. Yes, life is good.


	34. Changing lanes

**Changing lanes**

After announcing to the world, via Facebook, that you are getting back on the career ladder, you decide to go to bed.

As you sit on the bed to take your prostheses off, your eyes are drawn to the corner of the room and you spot the dust covered box. It has been gathering dust there for over ten months. At long last, the time seems right to open it. If you're contemplating returning to Chicago, you need to deal with the contents of your locker.

It's after midnight, but there's no time like the present.

You take a deep breath, stand, go over, pick up the box, and haul it onto your bed. You tear open the tape and lift the lid. The first thing you remove are a pair of barely used trainers. You shudder and despite yourself, you feel your heart sink. Just as well you waited until now to open the box.

You remember the day you bought them, one of your grand plans to have more in common with Neela. She loved jogging and you thought if you joined her occasionally the two of you might get back on some sort of even keel. You had even toyed with the notion of suggesting training for a marathon or mini-marathon together. That had been about a month before your accident and after you had kissed. You had hardly broken them in. They languished in your locker while the ER was closed, and you had never returned to work. They could go straight into the charity box you think with a shrug. No point dwelling on what might have been. The past was the past.

You take out your old stethoscope, hang it round your neck and smile. You had not even considered looking for it when you started working in Scott's clinic. You take out your doctor's coat and hang it in your closet. Underneath, there's a set of scrubs you always kept on reserve in case of accidents and one of your old t-shirts. There are some toiletries and you bring them quietly to the bathroom. Most of what's left is junk and notes but you decide to sift through it carefully just in case.

You pull over your thrash bin, sit on the bed and start to remove what is left. You'll either find a home for things or they go in the bin. There's a half-finished article with back-up notes that you had been working on with Morris. You might contact him to check if he has any use for the notes. No doubt the article is long-since published. You'll e-mail him tomorrow to check. If they are of no further use, they will go in the bin.

There's a pad with lecture notes, now totally irrelevant. You put them straight in the bin. You scan a sheaf of e-mail print-outs. – Bin.

Some pens and pencils. You scribble on the box. The ones that work you leave on your bedside table. You'll put them on the writing desk tomorrow. The others go in the bin.

You pick up a crumpled envelope. Now what is this? You open it and then you remember. It is the letter you wrote on your last day as an intern. God, how simple your life had been back then. Nonetheless, you had made some life changing decisions during that time. You remember Susan Lewis lecturing you about commitment. You also remember John Carter's final pep talk as he referred to his old chief Dr Green and how he had all his interns write a letter to themselves.

You open your letter and start to read. You wrote it at the pivotal point you decided to remain in emergency medicine. It starts with a quotation from John Carter's letter.

"_**I'm scared and I know I have a lot to learn and I hope I learn it quickly and I pray to God that I don't kill anybody.**_

_**If I'm good at this and I can stick it out and become an attending that'll be all I ever need."**_

You can definitely relate to the first part. That never changes, that mortal fear of doing something wrong and losing a patient.

But you're not sure if being an attending is all you'll ever need. You find it hard to imagine working as an attending in an ER right now. Was it even what you needed back then? It's with that thought in mind that you start to read. What you've written is typical of the person you were back then. Short, sweet and to the point. It's also brash and cocky.

"_I can echo every single bit of what John Carter has just said to us. Tonight has made me realize how important my job as an ER doctor actually is. I've been known as the closer all year. I'm the one who's good at clearing out the small cases quickly and efficiently. And yes, it is important to have someone like that on the ER team. However tonight I learned once again how vital the ER machine is in saving lives._

_This year I've also learned how to manage a crisis situation. Tonight, I triaged efficiently, thanks to what I've learned this past year, I was able to prioritize cases which ultimately saved lives. It was fantastic, it was amazing, It's what I want to do. I want to become the best ER doctor I possibly can. I want to excel, I want to save lives._

_I know Susan Lewis advised me to think long and hard about my future as an ER doctor. She was right to advise me. A less demanding area would probably compliment my musical ambitions but that's not what I want right now. I don't know if I see myself being happy to become an attending and remain an attending all my life but I do want to complete my residency in ER medicine .Who knows, maybe afterwards I will follow Carter and work for an NGO somewhere for a while, that's if I don't become a rock star. ...."_

You laugh out loud then read the conclusion. "_After that the world is my oyster."_

Yes you think, as you finish reading. The world is your oyster. That cocky self-assured boy is still in your psyche and he has just given you some valuable advice across a time gap of three years. Was that really only three years ago? You suddenly feel old. You have learned many life lessons in the interim, which will help inform any decisions regarding your future. You recall back then, you did think long and hard about staying. But, at this remove, you're not so sure you stayed in ER medicine for purely noble reasons. You know, ultimately, it was your competitive streak, which prevented you quitting back then. You never were a quitter.

Now, you were at another crossroads. Completing your ER residency was still an option. You just had to decide if it was the right choice for you. You needed to thoroughly investigate PM&R and see if it was a good fit for you. As of now, returning to complete your ER residency had become your second choice, a viable option, a sensible option but nonetheless no longer your first choice. And yes, your physical health was dictating some of this. The other factor to consider was, now that your song writing was taking off would PM&R not compliment that lifestyle better than the grind of ER medicine.

Yes, you definitely had to investigate PM&R more thoroughly and also think long and hard about other areas you might be interested in.

You put the letter to one side and continue to sift.

Some plectrums, a tube of lip salve, paper clips and paper. Outdated lecture notes and handouts. Then you find another envelope much like the other. What was this? Then you see the name and you're even more puzzled.

This was Neela's letter to herself or at least you presume that's what it is but how did it get in your locker? You don't open it. You put it with your letter.

You remove a few more irrelevant sheets of paper and the box is finally empty. You flatten it and return the rubbish bin to the corner. Finally, you're ready for bed.

As you drift off to sleep you realize how Neela's letter ended up in your locker. It was the day she was moving up to the surgical floor. She was carrying a box of things toward the elevator and despite your offer she declined help and continued toward the surgical floor alone. As the elevator door closed behind her, you spotted the envelope on the floor. Just then, you were alerted, there was a trauma coming in. You ran and stashed it in your locker then ran for the ambulance bay and promptly forgot all about it. It had obviously been languishing at the bottom of your locker ever since.

You'd hold onto it for the moment. Maybe one day you'd be ready to give it to her in person.

--------------------------------------------


	35. Alternate route

**Alternate route.**

PM&R is a lot more interesting than you thought at first. You've done quite a lot of the ground work as you studied extensively to aid your own recovery. You know that at Le Chatelier, the intake is very small, just one or maybe two new residents every year. In general, they prefer taking people who have already completed an internship in general medicine. So you meet that criteria. It would mean starting as an R2 again but that's a small price to pay.

It's March already and applications have to be in by April 12th. You need to study before the interview. Suddenly, you're all fired up.

Once the idea has taken root, the prospect of returning to County General to complete your residency in ER medicine seems very remote.

--------------------------------------------

The interviews are the last week in April.

You're pretty happy with the way they go. Now its just a matter of wait and see. Offers will be made within a week. You've contacted County about going back. But, at this point that's just your fall back. You've also applied and interviewed at a number of other facilities with good PM&R programs. But Le Chatelier is your first choice.

A few days after your interview, you are in hospital for some minor surgery. The scar tissue on one of your stumps has been giving bother and Jake has recommended grafts and referred you to a good surgeon. You've been fasting overnight and are prepped and waiting to be wheeled down to theater when your phone rings. It's Marissa Martin. Her husband passed away earlier in the year and she has been back at Le Chatelier for about six weeks now.

"Ray, you'll be getting this in writing of course but I just wanted to let you know as soon as possible, we'd like to offer you the R2 position on our PM&R team. Do I take it you'll accept the offer."

"Yes. Absolutely. I'd be delighted."

"Congratulations, the entire team are looking forward to working with you."

"Thanks Marissa. I won't let you down."

"I know you won't Ray. Welcome on board."

When you hang up, you phone Jake to tell him the news. Now that he's no longer acting PM&R chief at le Chatelier, he seems reluctant to leave Baton Rouge and is taking locum hours wherever and whenever he can get them. You suspect he and Jenny have been getting closer, which probably has stalled his previous travel plans.

You're ecstatic! You realize, this is exactly what you want.

You contemplate phoning Jaycee but decide to wait to tell her in person. You had not discussed your plans with her so she will be surprised.

You decide to contact County immediately. Greg has been acting ER chief for the past few weeks. So rather than contact HR, you decide to speak to him directly. You don't want your ex-colleagues to hear second hand. You don't want there to be any ill feeling with your friends there especially not with Pratt or Morris. They have been very supportive in the past year.

Greg answers on the second ring.

"Ray my man, so are your bags packed yet?"

"That's why I'm phoning. I wanted to tell you in person. I'm not coming back to Chicago after all."

"Is everything OK?"

"Yes, Greg it's fine. It's just, I've been investigating the possibility of changing specialities and well I've been offered a place in a PM&R program here in Baton Rouge."

"PM&R?"

"Yes, after what I've been through it seemed like a logical choice. I've gotten on the program in the clinic where I did my rehab."

"Ray, I'm glad for you man!"

"Thanks. I hope its not leaving you in a spot."

"Don't worry, we always have people looking to transfer. You're sure you're making the right choice?"

"Yeah man, I'm sure. I've given this a lot of thought and got a lot of advice. I'm joining a really good team down here. I'm looking forward to the change. I'll miss Chicago but lets face it I've been away a long time."

"Ray, I'm sorry you're not coming back but I'm sure you know what's best for you. By the way Ray, can you notify HR in writing?"

"Sure thing Greg, I just wanted to let you know in person what I'd decided... So, now that I'm officially staying on here, when can I expect to see you?"

"You know what, I fancy taking my girlfriend away for a break. She's recovering from major surgery and I fancy spoiling her. Baton Rouge and New Orleans sounds like a great idea for a trip."

"Girlfriend! Trip! Greg, that sounds serious." You laugh.

Greg laughs too, then says, "Yes man, I think I've finally met the woman of my dreams. So any tips with regard to good hotels?"

"Not really but I'll ask around and let you know. She must be special."

"I think she is in fact I'm thinking of asking her to marry me."

"What happened to the man who was happy to be single?"

"I guess I was just fooling myself. When I met the right person all of that changed. What about you man? Anyone special in your life at the moment?"

"No Greg, I've been rather busy this past year. I've been dating of late but nothing serious."

"I thought that might have been the reason you decided to stay on."

"No, nothing like that. Just a career opportunity that presented itself."

"Neela's not seeing anyone either."

Despite laughing, your stomach lurches,

"Nice try Greg but I think that's one ship that has definitely sailed. Anyhow, we're living 900 miles apart and that's unlikely to change."

"Never say never man. You never know what's just round the corner. By the way, I've just interviewed for the position of chief. I don't want to be too optimistic but I think the interview went well."

"Good for you Pratt good luck, I'm sure you've nothing to worry about."

Just then an orderly arrives to transfer you to theater.

"Sorry Greg, I've got to go, look let me know when you decide to come down. I'll make sure to take some time off."

"Sure thing Ray, take care and don't be a stranger. People up here would love to see you again some time."

"Say hi to everybody."

"I will do Ray, you take care."

With that, you hang up and hand your phone to the duty nurse to store.


	36. You never know what's round the corner

It's the day after surgery and you're wheelchair bound until the grafts heal. It's too soon to drive after an anesthetic and you're waiting for Jaycee to collect you when your cell phone rings. You notice the Chicago number and presume it's someone from county phoning to confirm that you will not be returning to the residency program.

"Ray Barnett!"

"Ray, its Neela, please don't hang up."

"N…Neela, Hi! I'm not going to hang up."

"Oh?"

"Its good to hear from you." And you mean it. You're sorry you've left it so long. You figure Greg must have told her he had spoken to you.

"Really?"

"Really. How are you?"

There's silence. Then you hear her clear her throat.

"N…not good." You hear a deep shuddering sigh and your stomach lurches.

"Neela, what's up?"

"Something awful has happened. I … I just thought you should know."

Your heart is in your throat. She's sobbing the other end of the phone.

"Neela…?"

"Greg's dead."

"W…what?! I just spoke to him yesterday. What happened?"

"An explosion, in an ambulance."

"Christ." For an instant, you wanted to know if he was in one piece but you shook off the thought.

"We thought at first he just had a broken jaw, but… but, we lost him."

"God Neela…" you can't say any more.

"I… I'm phoning from the surgeons lounge. I just wanted to tell you before I went home."

"When did it happen?"

"This morning."

"Are you alright, you weren't hurt?"

"No. I wasn't there. Abby has a broken wrist but nobody else you know was hurt. The ambulance had left the ambulance bay and was on the street."

"I don't know what to say. I just spoke to him yesterday. He seemed so happy."

"He just got appointed ER chief."

"He was appointed, God what a waste?"

"Look, I'd better go."

"Are you heading home?"

"Yes."

"I'll phone later to check how you are. Can you tell everybody I was asking for them?"

"OK Ray."

"Neela, thanks for phoning to let me know. We'll talk later."

God, what a shock?

Details of his phone conversation pop into your head and you remember him saying 'You never know what's round the corner.'

You knew only too well the brutal truth of that statement.


	37. Aftermath

As soon as Jaycee enters the room she knows its another of those days.

"You look dreadful, are you sure you're well enough to go home?"

You nod but do not speak.

"Maybe you should see a doctor again before you go."

Your eyes blaze with anger and your reply irritably,

"I'm a doctor, I'm fine."

"You're not fine. What's up Ray? Are you in pain."

"Neela phoned, Greg Pratt has been killed."

"Oh my God," she says as she puts her hands to her face, "I... I'm so sorry."

"I just spoke to him yesterday before my surgery. Less than twenty-four hours later and he's gone."

"Had he family?"

"His mother is dead. He and his father are estranged but he was close to his kid brother Chas. He also had a serious girlfriend."

"Would you do me a favor, would you let a doctor check you out before I take you home?"  
"Mom, I'm fine."

"Please Ray, humor me."

"Fine. But I'm already checked out so unless I'm at death's door they are not going to readmit me."

With that, Jaycee went to find a doctor. You are too tired to argue. You still had not told her your other news. It could keep until later.

------------------------------------------------------------

As anticipated, the doctors cleared you to go. Your bad form was nothing to do with post-op complications. It was simply shock. An hour later and you were home sitting on the porch with your guitar. It was a pleasant May evening. For the first time in almost a year, you wished you were with your friends in Chicago sharing their grief. Your mother knew to leave you alone and you were grateful for that.

You don't know how long you had been sitting there strumming your guitar when a car pulled up. Jenny Proctor got out.

"Hey stranger," you say, "what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

She smiles and walks towards you.

"I was talking to Jake as I was leaving and he told me your news."

"Which news is that?" you say as you point towards a free seat and she sits.

"All of it, I think. Congratulations, by the way."

You smile, "Thanks. I actually have not told Jaycee yet."

"Why not?"

"I guess I was too out of it after surgery and then…"

"Yes. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend."

"He was a great guy. Shit, why do bad things happen to good people?"

You sit in silence for a while.

"You know, one of the last things he said to me was you never know what's just round the corner. How ironic, little did he know. He had everything to live for, he had just been appointed chief of the ER and I think he was in love for the first time in his life. Everything was going great then this… I won't even be able to go to the funeral." You say as you point to yourself.

"I'm sorry Ray."

"Jenny, why are you here?"

"Well when Jake told me what happened, I wanted to phone to see how you were. Then I thought, no I need to see for myself that you're ok."

You look at her quizzically and ask,

"This has nothing to do with what happened last year?"

"NO!" she says in horror, "not at all…" she looked down at her hand, "I guess I just wanted to be with you and I was afraid if I phoned you'd say not to come. Jake wanted to call by but he's busy 'til later so I figured I'd come instead."

"I didn't even know you knew where I lived."

"Oh, I've been stalking you for some time now!"

You laugh.

"You don't mind me calling like this?"

"Not at all Jenny, you should have done it a lot sooner. Look, would you like something to drink?"

"Yes, something cool would be nice."

"Mom just made some iced tea."

"I don't actually like iced tea." she says with a grimace, "But juice, water, anything else would be great."

Going to the door, you open it and call your mother and she comes to the porch.

"Mom, could you get us drinks? By the way, you remember Jenny?"

"Of course Jenny, what brings you here?"

"Oh, I heard through the grapevine Ray might be in need of some company. Jake wanted to call by but he has training this evening so he can't call by 'til later."

"How's Jake?" Jaycee was definitely treating Jenny as though she and Jake were a couple. Maybe she knew something Ray didn't.

"He's fine! Busy! He's still doing hours at Lechatlier and he's also working for a local disabled athletes team and of course his work with the VA is increasing all the time. He's right that we need more good doctors in PM&R." she says with a smile as she looks at Ray.

"That reminds me mom, there's something I've been meaning to tell you."

Jaycee looks at Ray.

"I've been accepted onto the PM&R residency program at Lechatlier."

"I thought you were going back to Chicago."

"That was one of my options but not my first choice."

"But you've been packing."

"Yes, I needed to be ready if I did not get on the program."

"But, you never said."

"I just figured under the circumstances, this was something I should do on my own. I only discussed my plans with Jake and Scott." Then with a glint in your eye you add, "obviously Jake made one or two others privy to what was going on."

Jenny laughed, "He didn't tell me until yesterday after you got your offer."

"Mom, sorry I would have told you sooner, but Marissa Martin phoned me yesterday just before I went in for surgery and I was so out of it last night."

"So I guess, you'll be unpacking again."

"I'm not sure, maybe it's time I moved to a place of my own."

"But, there' lots of room here."

"Mom, I'm a big boy, I need to start making my own way in the world again."

Her eyes well up.

There's mischief in your eyes as you say.

"Maybe Jim and I could swap. His apartment is in an attractive location. Jake and I could become roomies."

Jaycee blushes.

"Let's face it Jaycee, as comfortable and all as this arrangement is, I'm cramping your style and I feel kinda weird bringing dates back here to my childhood home. It's time to move on."

Jaycee reaches over and hugs her son.

"So, when will you move?"

You turn to Jenny with a mischievous grin, "See Jenny, now that she sees the benefits, she can't wait to get rid of me."

"Ray!"

"Mom, I was only joking. I'll take it easy until I've recovered from my surgery. Rest assured that I will not move out until I've found the perfect place."

"I don't like to think of you living on your own."

"Mom, I'll be fine."

"Ok, let me get those drinks, iced tea ok?"

"Could you get something else?"

"There's apple juice and lemon soda in the fridge."

"Lemon soda sounds great." Jenny said.

"So … o," you say, "is there anything **you** want to share with me?"

"Like what?"

"You and Jake."

She smiles coyly and despite yourself, you feel a stab of jealousy.

"It's early days yet."

"I'm glad for you."

"Time will tell what happens."

"But he has put his travel plans on hold indefinitely."

"I can't comment on that. Maybe he just likes Baton Rouge better than he expected. What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty taken with Baton Rouge too."

"That is not what I meant."

You laugh, "Nah. I've been dating but I'm not interested in anything serious just now."

"Coward."

You grin.

"Maybe you're right. Give me time. I'll surprise you all one day soon."

"I thought there for a while, you and Sarah were getting friendly."

"Which Sarah?"

"Don't be coy Ray, you know very well who I mean. I do not presume you are seeing an elderly secretary who's old enough to be your grandmother."

"God, Le Chatelier is so small, everybody knows everybody's business!"

"You'd better get used to it."

"I guess you're right."

"So. Sarah and you?"

You shrug, "We have lunch together occasionally. We've been on a few dates, nothing more."

She raises her eyebrows.

"Honest. We're not exclusive."

Just then, Jaycee comes out with the drinks and to announce that dinner is almost ready. She invites Jenny to stay and Jenny accepts the invite. You head inside. You're feeling in a better mood. You'll phone Neela later and hopefully succeed in cheering her up. It really will be good to talk to someone who knew Pratt.


	38. Moving on

"Well, that's the last box. Do you need anything else?"

"No thanks Jake. The removal van brought everything else yesterday. Thanks for stopping by moms to give me a hand, I could not have fit everything in my car."

"No problem man, I was curious to see your new pad.

" Have you time for a coffee, the coffee maker is set up and I have fresh coffee."

"That would be great."

"You care for a tour?"

"Lead on."

"As you can see, this is the living room. I've a huge shaded balcony with great views of the river."

"So I see. Impressive. You've a built-in barbecue, I see."

"Yes. Come on, the two bedrooms are this way. My bedroom furniture has finally arrived and I figure I'll turn the second room into an office."

"So, you're not going to take in a room mate."

"No. I figure I should go it alone for a while." Ray said as he handed Jake a cup of coffee.

"Hey Ray, this is really nice."

"Yes. I like the space and light. I'm renting for a year with an option to buy after that if we can agree on a price. The owner can't get rid of it at the moment so he was happy to sign the lease for a year. When my insurance pays up, I'll consider buying. By next year I'll be in a position to make up my mind."

"So. You're happy with your decisions."

"Yes. All of them. And, I see you're staying round for a while."

Jake laughs, "You caught me there."

"So, are you and Jenny getting serious?"

"It's too early to say. But I do want to hang around and see what happens. Maybe in a year or two, she might agree to travel with me."

"That sounds serious to me."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"You and Sarah?"

"No man, we're just friends."

You sure?"

"Positive. I'm happy with casual encounters for the moment."

"You mean one night stands."

"Guess so, unless I meet someone really special."

"Are you commitment phobic?"

"Ouch!"

"Face it, it's a fair question."

"I've just never had luck with long-term relationships so I'm happy just playing the field for the moment."

Jake gives him a penetrating gaze.

"What?"

"You are commitment phobic."

Ray just laughs.

"OK Jake, enough, this topic is exhausted, move on."

"So, when is your last shift at Scott's clinic?"

"Thursday. Then I've five days off before I start as an R2 again."

"Any plans?"

"I'll have enough to do just getting settled in here. I thought I might have a few people round for a barbecue on Saturday. You interested?"

"Yes please, count me in."

"I must start phoning round and see who's free."

"Well that's my Saturday night planned. Look, I'd better head, I'm running late."

"Ahhh, hot date!"

Jake simply smiles and waves.

"See you Saturday."

With that Ray was alone for the first time in his new apartment. He heaved a sigh. Now where to start with the unpacking. Yes, finally he was starting afresh.

It really felt like he was moving on.


	39. Cold Feet

"What are you doing here?" you hear her exclaim as she opens the door and suddenly you're transported back to this very apartment more than two years ago, the morning you came to fix her cable. Now, what had brought that into your head? Had it really only been two years?

It's a shock to be reminded of how much your life has changed since.

Before she has a chance to step outside and close the door behind her, you see Simon Brenner, that guy who had been sniffing around earlier. He has a bottle of champagne in his hand so it's obvious he fancies his chances with Neela.

"OK Ray, don't get paranoid. Neela's a free agent and you've been gone from her life for over a year." you chide.

You recall the other scene that other morning two years ago.

You had woken her and she was hot and flustered. It looked like she had been sleeping on the couch but you did not ask. Her embarrassment had puzzled you but you figured it was just that she hated being so vulnerable. You had been making a gallant effort to respect her space. You wonder if you had been more demonstrative then, would things have been different. You had tried to be there for her but you just could not get it right. Then Gates came along and you felt you were wasting your time. That's why you had moved on to Katey so quickly.

Things had been such fun at the start until she became serious. That was when you knew your heart was really not in it. She was hot, she was fun and she proved to be a good and loyal friend especially after your accident. But that final ingredient had been missing. Sometimes you wished it had been Katey. She was far less complicated than Neela but Neela had stolen your heart.

"Christ Ray, what are you doing here?" Terror grips your heart.

This was not the reason you were in Chicago. You had simply wanted to break the ice. A one-day conference was the perfect excuse, a way to catch up with everybody without too much pressure. You had not planned to start anything, you just wanted to reconnect, take things slowly, to be friends again. Who the hell were you fooling?

"Get out of here man, this is wrong."

Flustered you gather your things together. You note her disappointment as she comes through the door and your heart grows lighter but terror still grips you. You will not blow this. A one-night-stand is not what you're after. You do not want to make promises you cannot keep. Nor do you want her to make promises she cannot keep. If you two are to have a future, there can be no hasty acts or forced promises. You really want to believe that you have a future, a real future.

She says you can stay. You feel as shy and awkward as a school-boy but yet certain that you're doing the right thing by leaving. You must believe there will be another opportunity.

Brenner had killed the moment when he knocked on the door but maybe it was for the best. The last few months have been great. You have slowly re-established a relationship. Both of you have moved slowly and carefully. It has been fun teasing each other on Facebook, gradually teasing out each other's current circumstances.

You knew her state of mind. You knew she was unattached. She knew the same about you. You felt she was ready but you really, really did not want to blow things by getting ahead of yourself. If you two have a future, you had to believe there would be later.

As you approach her, you cannot resist a gentle kiss. Then you kiss her more passionately and in that kiss, there is a promise, a promise of more to come. It's as though you're watching the scene from afar as you say nonchalantly "see you later" then staring resolutely toward the door, you walk away. She stands stock still. Is she in shock?

You half expect her to follow you. But she doesn't. You're one part relieved one part disappointed. There's no going back now. With any luck, there will be later. You know, you're the one playing games now. If you're right, you will, at least hold onto her friendship and respect. If you're right, there will be a later.

As you are getting into the car, you look up. She is silhouetted against the window. You wave shyly and she waves back. Your heart aches, she looks so lonely. The image disturbs you and you're not sure why. It reminds you of something. Was that how she looked in the doorway of your hospital room as you departed Chicago. That image is only in your imagination, you never saw her. You just sensed her there, imagined how she looked as they wheeled your bed away. You had never felt so empty as you did that day.

You close your eyes and sigh. Then you see the reverse image like an old polaroid negative. Her black top becomes white and the darkened background becomes luminous.

Looking up again, the visual memory becomes lucid and you shiver. You're on the roof top at 'County' watching her hug herself forlornly. You yearn to reach out and hold her, to make it better. But she said stay away and so you did. You decide to stay away this time too and so you keep moving. It aches you to do so but this time she must come to you.

Later, lying on the bed in your hotel room, your cell phone rings. It's her but you let it go to voice mail. You still have not worked through why you left. It had been a great day. It had been great catching up with everybody especially Neela. But all that the day had achieved was to highlight how much things had changed, how much you had changed. The old Ray would have eagerly taken Dawn up on the suggestion that you all get together for drinks but you just wanted to spend the evening with your old Roomie. Then why had you left? Because you realised that things were moving too fast.

You're still reeling. It will take some time to figure out why you left. Maybe you never will.

You check your voice-mail.

"Hey Ray, it's Neela. Look I'm not sure why you left but there's really nothing between me and Simon." You hear her voice quiver and she clears her throat. "Please phone and let me know where you're staying. I…I'll come to your hotel."

Your heart skips a beat. You ponder what to do. It would be so easy just to phone back but no, this is just too intense, too much too soon. This was not what you wanted. You go to the hotel bar for a beer.

It's surprisingly quiet for a Thursday night. Then you spot the piano. You figure that punk rock would not go down well here but you've lots more in your repertoire. You just need to play, to lose yourself in music for a while and so you start playing some old blues numbers that your dad used to play. You have not played them in years but you fall into them instinctively. You play quietly to an empty bar and when you've played out and your beer is gone, you head to bed. You're feeling more relaxed. You'll phone her in the morning and make your excuses.

It's 6.50am. She's working so you figure she will be on the way to work. She answers on the second ring. Without as much as hello, she says,

"I tried to reach you last night."

"I know, I left my phone in my room when I went to the bar. I didn't see the missed call until I was going to bed. I thought it was too late to phone back." That sounded like a credible excuse.

"I phoned the hotel where the conference was being held."

Now you're flattered.

"I booked the conference last minute so they were full. I'm staying down the street."

"You could have stayed here."

"Then I would have had to tell you I was coming."

"So…"

"… and missed surprising you with my Frankenstein act? Never."

She laughs.

" Neela."

"Yeah."

"Thanks for trying so hard to find me."

"Can we meet later, I get off at five today?"

"I'll be at the airport by then, my flight is at six and I'm working tomorrow so I have to make that flight."

Your tone is disappointed. There's silence for a few moments, then you hear yourself say,

"Why don't you come down to Baton Rouge some time?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'd love to show you my world."

* * *

Your heart soars when he says the magic words.

"Why don't you come down to Baton Rouge?"

You thought after he'd left your apartment like that, that that was it. He would think you were still dithering, that you did not know what to do. However once you got over the shock and disappointment of his sudden departure, you had known exactly what to do. If you had found him last night you would have gone straight over.

"Mardi Gras is fun in my neck of the woods, why don't you take a few days off then?"

"That sounds like a plan."

Your heart sinks a little. That's months away. You want to see him before then. Maybe you can surprise him at Thanksgiving or at Christmas or New Year.

Just then the El pulls into the station.

"Ray, I've got to go, this is my stop and I need to run; I'm late."

"It's been great."

"It has. Safe journey this evening."

"I'll be in touch soon. Bye."

With that, the line goes dead and you start to run.


	40. Awakenings

When Haleh wakes her at 6.30am, she is disoriented.

Is she really awake this time? She rubs her face. Yes, this time she is. This time her phone remains silent.

She must remember to phone Ray later and wish him a happy birthday. But first she must study for her interviews this afternoon.

She lies pondering her dreams. They were so real. Someone told her last evening that Elizabeth Corday was on staff at Duke. That must have been the reason for her strange dream about her interview. She plans to be better prepared than that at the real event. She wonders will Elizabeth really be there.

Then she remembers the torrid encounter with Simon and blushes. Maybe she should be friendlier when he returns from Australia, if he comes back. She had been wrong about him; he's pretty decent really. What had she got to lose?

She really does not want to give up on Ray, but maybe it is time to break new ground. He had a girlfriend, after all.

He was her best friend. They phoned and e-mailed regularly now.

Nevertheless maybe she had to accept that they were just best friends, nothing more. Strange, they had never talked about his girlfriend since that first time at Thanksgiving. She knew absolutely nothing about her.

It was time to move on. After all Ray had. When Simon came back, she would take things to the next level.

The time to hesitate was past.


	41. Serendipity

Neela is exhausted; she guesses its jet lag. After all, the weekend was pretty full-on. She cannot help smiling.

Morris notes her slight unease as he asks her how things are going with the "wonda from down unda" and she responds rather nonchalantly. She had been bursting to tell him where she had been for the past few days but faltered when he asked about Simon. Instead, she said she thought things were going well. Her body language said different. Things were far from OK, things were, to say the least, complicated. That had been highlighted, over and over, in the course of the weekend.

Then before she had an opportunity to divulge what she had been up to and see what he thought, he hit her with the bombshell about Simon's childhood and all thought of what she had been up to for the past few days went out the window. Shit, what was she going to do now?

She had intended asking Morris' advice. Now she was consumed with guilt. This could not be happening again. Why was it that whenever things seemed to be getting clearer for her, her life was thrown into turmoil once more? Why was it that every time she was prepared to take a risk, to be impetuous, something always went wrong? Why oh why was it so easy to guilt-trip her?

Why did the weekend have to end? Why did she have to come back to reality?

* * *

As she stepped off the plane, she could not believe, she was finally here. Nonetheless, she was delighted she had been impetuous. She shivered with excitement. If she had not had that fight with Simon, just before Ray phoned, she would not have considered coming alone.

Serendipity.

He reminded her that she had intending visiting for Mardi Gras and suddenly she wanted to be far away from Chicago. She was off for the next three days, so why the heck not? It would give her an opportunity to think or better still to switch off for a while and let her hair down. She had decided she was not staying at County. She knew Lucien had been unimpressed but she could not help if the faculty at Duke wanted her. She had also done some more interviews and had even talked with some hospitals in London. Really, that had only been to humour her parents and to keep her options open. She enjoyed her personal freedom far too much to seriously contemplate returning home. Nonetheless, she was leaving County. Of that, she was sure. Where she went; and what she did was still up in the air.

She had been feeling burned out over the past few months and she wondered sometimes should she take things easier for a while maybe even take a career break for a few months. It might slow down her career progression but it would not cause irreparable damage.

She smiled to herself. She was such a cautious creature by nature but when she did reckless and irresponsible, she did it in style. Her marriage to Michael was the ultimate example. Flying to Baton Rouge to spend a weekend with an old friend was hardly reckless by comparison. Well maybe, not mentioning it to anybody was. She felt a twinge of guilt. She should have told Simon what she was doing. What the heck? She did not answer to Simon Brenner especially when he behaved like an asshole. When he did not catch up with her over the next few days, he would just presume she was avoiding him. That was fine by her. Anyhow, she still needed time to sort out her head and figure out where she really wanted to go next.

Thus it was, that an hour after her phone conversation with Ray, she was in a taxi on her way to catch the 'red eye' to New Orleans. She could not get a flight to Baton Rouge until the following afternoon and as she had only three days off, she had opted for the first available flight to New Orleans instead. It was only a hundred miles from Baton Rouge. She would hire a car or get a bus or train from there. She would be shattered the following day, but she could crash while Ray was at work. She took out her blackberry and sent Ray a text.

"No flight to BR until tomorrow pm. Getting red-eye from O'Hare to New Orleans instead. Will hire car and drive to BR. Will call by clinic when I arrive."

He texted back,

"Gr8. CU when I CU. When does flight leave?"

"1.45am"

"Try to get some sleep. CU in the am."

Then she sat back and closed her eyes. She could not believe she was doing this. She shivered with excitement. Before long, the taxi was pulling into departures. She paid, got out and ran. The flight was leaving in less than an hour and check-in was closing in fifteen minutes.

* * *

The flight had been delayed. It is 5.00am as she stumbles through the arrivals door. She scans the concourse looking for an information desk. She wonders which is more convenient, train or bus. She was too tired to contemplate hiring a car. Anyhow, she would not need it in Baton Rouge. Just then, she spots him standing there with that enigmatic grin plastered across his face.

"Wha… you shouldn't have come. I could have made my own way to Baton Rouge." She says in shock.

He hugs her and gives her a gentle peck on the cheek. "And miss the chance of seeing that look of surprise again? Come on my car is outside. I'm working at eight so we need to get on the road."

He reaches for her bag.

"No. Its fine, I can manage. Let's go. Lead the way."

He turns and ambles slowly toward the door. It still amazes her how easily he moves. He was parked in a short-term disabled spot right outside the door.

"Like I said…" he started with a grin.

She shot him a fierce look and said emphatically,

"Don't." There were certain things she still could not joke about.

With that, he shrugs and says.

"If we get ahead of the early morning traffic, we'll be home before seven."

"D…did you get any sleep last night?" she asks anxiously as she sits into the front passenger seat, closes the door and straps on the seat belt.

"About four hours," he says with a shrug as he signals, puts the car in drive and pulls into the right lane.

"Ra - ay!"

"Neela, don't sweat. It's Friday, I've a light workload and I'm off for the weekend."

"But…"

"Neela, chill." He reaches for her hand and holds it for an instant, "I would not have driven to collect you if I didn't want to. Anyhow" he says with a grin, "I love that look of shocked surprise."

With that, she punches him gently on the arm.

"You are incorrigible!"

""Thanks for the compliment." He says in that cocky way of his. Then "Put back the seat and try and get some sleep," he says gently.

"I've never been to this part of the world before, I'd prefer to sit back and take in the sights."

"Suit yourself. Pick out some music." He says pointing to his iPod.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure you'll consider my tastes in your choice."

"So no KC and the sunshine band then?"

"You have to ask?"

Laughing, she says, "Thanks Ray!"

"For what?"

"For this. Thanks for inviting me, for collecting me, for not asking any awkward questions, just for being you."

"Awkward questions," he says with a grin, "like, how are you and the Dick really getting on?"

"That's an awkward question."

"He must really have pissed you off this time."

"It's like we've stagnated. We don't talk….

at least he doesn't.

…And, he doesn't listen…

We've gotten into a rut where in his mind sex is the solution to everything…"

She stops short in horror.

"God…

I can't believe I just said that."

"What?"

"Nothing. Look let's not talk about our respective relationships."

"I'm not seeing anyone."

"I thought you were!"

"There was someone before Christmas but it fizzled out after New Year," he says with a casual shrug.

"I see. Look maybe now is not the time to be having this conversation."

"Maybe you're right. Just sit back and enjoy the music and the view. I like your choice, by the way."

Handel's four seasons blasted from the stereo.

"I never knew you were into classical music."

"I always find that classical is a good compromise."

With that, she smiled and sat back to take in the landscape as it flashed by. She still could not believe she had been so open with Ray about her relationship. Then, that was the thing about her and Ray, there was no need for secrets. She realised with a start that she had always trusted him, completely. Truth was, they read each other so well; there was no point in keeping secrets.

She blushed as she recalled when he had called her on the fact she was sleeping with Tony. He always saw through her. She always saw through him. She always felt incredibly safe and comfortable when she was with Ray. Nonetheless, she had to acknowledge, there was a sexual tension. She smiled sadly, as she watched the countryside speed by.

Shortly before 6.30am, they were pulling into the car park of a small apartment block overlooking the Mississippi.

"Here we are."

"Ray, this is really nice."

"Yeah, as you can see, I put my insurance money to good use."

"You mean, you bought this?"

"Well, I'm buying. I've been renting until now."

"Wow!"

"Come on, I'm on the top floor. I'll show you your room. Then I need to shower and change before work. I thought, if you like, you could come with me to work and then take the car. There's a great diner across from the hospital. We could grab some breakfast then you could come back here and crash. "

"That would be nice. I'd like to see where you work."

They got out of the elevator and Ray opened the door to his penthouse.

"Welcome to chez moi."

"I love it."

"Take a look round, I'd better go shower. Here's your bedroom, by the way. It doubles as an office. I hope you don't mind. The second bathroom is next door, if you need to freshen up."

"In other words I look a mess!"

"Well I didn't want to be that blunt," he said with a cheeky grin as he headed toward his bedroom.

She laughed. She'd really missed their banter over the past two years. She had enjoyed the same kind of exchanges with Michael but things were never that easy with Simon.

* * *

It was 7.45am and they were just finishing breakfast when Neela noticed a very handsome guy heading toward them with a take-out coffee in his hand.

"Hey, Ray, are you going to introduce me?" he says.

"Jake Walsh, Neela Rasgotra. Neela is my old roommate from Chicago."

"Hi Neela." Jake says as he extends his hand. "Is this your first visit to Baton Rouge?"

"It sure is."

"You picked a fun time of year to come. How long are you round for?"

"I fly back early Monday."

"Ah, so you'll miss actual Mardi Gras."

"Afraid so."

"Not to worry, there's a lot on over the weekend. Are you joining us tomorrow?"

Neela looks at Ray, "I don't know, am I?"

"That's the plan."

"I guess I am then."

"See you then. By the way, Ray, did you hear Jack Warner has handed in his notice? He's moving to Heuston."

"He's going to be a big loss to the surgical team. What is Ryan going to do?"

"Well he's had to cancel most elective surgeries until he finds a replacement. Jack leaves in six weeks. I figure, it will be at least three months before he's replaced."

"Ryan will not be very happy."

"That's an understatement. Any surgical experience, Neela?" he says jokingly.

Shocked she responds, "I…I'm a general trauma surgeon but I'm hoping to specialize."

"Are you serious? You're a surgeon?"

Yes, just finishing my residency and looking to move. I've been offered a place at Duke."

"Duke no less, in that case you have no interest in our humble clinic."

"To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going. All I'm sure of is that I am leaving County General."

"You never said," Ray said in surprise.

"We haven't talked properly yet."

"What about …?" he stopped, shook his head, grinned and said, "I guess that's true." Ray glanced at his watch, "Look I've got to dash, why don't you head home to crash for a few hours. I break for lunch at one. If you wanted to meet me then, I could take you on a tour of Le Chatelier."

"That would be very nice."

"You coming with me then?" Jake asked.

"Yes boss, lead the way."

Neela watched them walk away. She frowned and mumbled to herself,

"Serendipity."

It looked like another opportunity might have presented itself. God, no, this was not the reason she had come here this weekend. But she wanted to go with the flow. Maybe this was the direction the flow was taking her.


	42. Flux

She was furious with Simon. He was messing things up royally. Really if she were honest with herself, she was just furious. She had been clear about her next step when she got off the plane earlier today. Then when she had called by Morris' on her way to work, her well laid plans were thrown into disarray once more.

Damn Simon, why had he not told her. Now it would look like she was finishing their relationship because of his problems.

But that was not the case. She was finishing their relationship because they were done. There was something far better out there for both of them. She hoped her far better was the one she really wanted. For the present, she would not turn down Duke. She also knew that there was a place at County if she wanted to come back. Lucien had not said so but she knew deep down there would always be a place for her at County.

God, the past weekend had been such fun. Now things were crap once more. What was she going to do? What was she going to say to Simon. She felt so guilty.

Later in the ER, they bicker over Claudia's care and she's really cross with him. She knows both of them are behaving like school kids. He is really being obtuse. She wonders if he is cross with her for being AWOL for the entire weekend. He hadn't said anything but that was typical Simon. He sulked or glossed over things. He always avoided confrontation. A relationship was not just about grandiose, romantic gestures. He needed to understand that if he wanted to move on with anyone. He had phoned once and had probably been by her apartment too. But unless she volunteered information, she knew he would not ask. For now, they were simply engaging in a battle of wits.

* * *

She has just learned she is heading to Seattle on an organ retrieval. Great, she needed this like a hole in the head. This morning she had been in Baton Rouge by early tomorrow morning she would be in Seattle. Her poor body clock was in a spin. She groaned. It would take her days to recover. God, what was she going to do about Simon. She'd have to talk with him when she got home. She sat in the Jumbo mart nursing a coffee and pondered her dilemma.

In the course of the weekend, Ray had challenged her on her move to North Carolina. If she were so into Simon, why was she leaving Chicago? She had not given it too much thought but she realised he was right. She did not have a huge amount invested in her relationship and she was not sure if she ever would have. Now there was also Baton Rouge to consider. It suddenly hit her, she had never really been serious about Simon otherwise she would not have considered moving away.

When he appeared by her side in the Jumbo Mart and started talking as though there was nothing up, she realised they were done. His reticence; his reluctance to confront her about where she had been for the weekend irritated. Even when she told him she knew his childhood history he would not open up to her. He simply went on the attack. His inability to confide in her was more evidence they were going nowhere. He did not trust her. He could not open up to her. She prodded but there was nothing forthcoming. The fact that he could not trust her was the final nail in the coffin.

Even if Baton Rouge had not happened, they had no future. He had never trusted her. Once he learned about Baton Rouge, whatever they had left would be over.

When he lost his temper and hit that car, she knew they were over. Next time, it could be her. He really needed to sort himself out before he could commit to anybody. She said as much when she broke up right there on the street. She knew it was callous. She had not meant to do it until she got back from Seattle. But there was something better out there for both of them. She would meet with him again. She might even tell him about Baton Rouge. She would hate if he found out from somebody else.

* * *

She slept or dozed for most of the flight to Seattle. Sam slept too. But hers was not a deep restful sleep. She could not switch off, as she dozed she recalled her weekend in Baton Rouge. Friday had been interesting. Then Saturday and Sunday had been one long street party. She had really had fun with Ray and his friends. She fit right in. On Saturday night, Brett had called round for a barbecue. He was home for his parents wedding anniversary on Sunday and was flying back to LA first thing Monday. Neela was glad to see him. When Ray went into the house, he sidled over.

"So Dr. Neela; you and Ray are finally getting it together."

"Brett, I'm just visiting for the weekend."

"Come on Neela, you guys really need to get your act together."

Just then Jake called out, "Brett, Ray needs you in the kitchen."

Then he walked over to Neela, "You OK?"

"Yes. But thanks for rescuing me. I certainly do not need a lecture from Brett just now."

"You've a lot to think about."

"You could say that."

"How did your meeting with Pete Ryan go?"

"Enlightening. I cannot believe he agreed to see me at such short notice."

"Neela, Le Chatelier is a great place to work. But to the outsider it does not appear to have a lot to offer."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that there are not going to be a huge number of good applicants to choose from and let's face it, your CV is mighty impressive."

"You do a hard sell."

I only came to Le Chatlier as a favour to my father. Now I'm reluctant to leave. When Marissa Martin took another short leave of absence last month I was happy to step back in. If a permanent attending position came up in PM&R, I would apply like a shot."

"Are you serious?"

"Very."

"What are you serious about?" Jenny asked as she strolled over and snuggled up to her boyfriend.

"I'm trying to convince Neela that Le Chatelier is a great place to work."

"He's right, it is, are you considering moving?"

"My name is in the mix for a surgical attending position."

"Well, good luck, I'm sure Ray would love to have you here."

"Que sara sara!"

"How right you are Neela."

* * *

Neela woke with a start as the plane started a very steep descent. It was still dark. She groaned. She looked at her watch, they had been in the air for three hours. It was 6am back in Chicago. It was only 4am here in Seattle. It would probably be another hour before they were at the hospital. With any luck they would be back in the air in three or four hours. Right now she just wanted her bed.

* * *

It was 8am, they had been hanging round for three hours and everybody was getting antsy. The transplant coordinator had just been in to apologize about the delay. Apparently, the grandmother was having second thoughts. The fact that Neela knew the potential recipient made everything more poignant.

Two more hours passed. They discovered the devastatingly handsome, paediatrician on the case had worked at county. She and Sam were not averse to talking to him. Later they went to the canteen for something to eat. They were ravenous. While they were eating, Carol the coordinator approached. They stood and started to gather their things.

"Sit down," she said with a wave of her hand. "You've got time to eat. The grandmother just signed the papers but it will be at least another half an hour… By the way, Doug tells me you guys are from County."

"That's right."

"I was nurse manager in the ER there before I left."

"No way, Sam here is the current manager."

"Really. I hope you're treating the staff well."

"I think so. But I'm hoping for a change. I'm training as a nurse anaesthesist."

"Good for you. …Is Haleh still on staff at County?"

"She sure is. She still works like a Trojan."

"That's Halleh. Make sure to tell her Carol Hathaway says hello."

"Do you ever come back to Chicago?"

"Not since my mother moved out here to live with us five years ago. I visited twice a year until then. But it's a very long time since I visited the ER at County."

"Why did you move to Seattle?"

Carol smiled.

"To be with Doug. I was not sure if it was the right decision at the time. But he was the father of my babies so I had to try."

Her face broke into a huge grin.

"God when I think of all the fights, the stopping and starting but then I decided I had to make the choice to be with my soul mate. I've never regretted my decision for one minute. It cemented our relationship. Doug is my best friend and he's a fantastic father. Life here is more laid back than Chicago but I really love it. It suits Doug better than Chicago."

"Halleh told me your story." Sam exclaimed, "How wonderful that things have worked out so well for you."

"Yes, sometimes you've got to make hard choices to get what you want. Make sure to tell anyone who still remembers us that Doug and Carol say hi!"

"We sure will," Neela says with a smile.

"I'd better get back. I'll see you in the unit in about ten minutes."

Both women sat in silence for several minutes after Carol departed.


	43. Now or never

The last weeks had been surreal. Lucien telling her that she still had a place at County just as she was leaving had unsettled her a little.

Was she expecting too much? she wondered. Now that she was on her way, she just wanted to run back to county. No. Abby was right. She finally had to take the gamble. There was only one way to find out if Ray and she were meant to be together. She had to go to him.

She knew she could be happy there, make a life for herself. She had fit in really well with Ray's friends when they met and she believed Jake and Jenny's assertion that Le Chatelier was a good place to work. She looked forward to a slower pace for a while. It would give her an opportunity for research and to decide on what direction her career should go in from now on.

She flew back to Baton Rouge in early March for a formal interview. They offered her the position on the spot. She accepted there and then. As she had already handed in her notice at County, she could start in four weeks. By then she was free of Simon and had spent a wonderful evening and night with her roomie. Her eyes glazed over as she recalled every detail of that one night together. It had been better than she ever imagined; if that were possible.

Ray told her to take her time and hold onto the Duke option just in case. He had been so understanding and supportive. He really did not want to pressure her in any way. But; she realized after that one night that they were good together in every sense of the word. Duke was no longer an option. It was Baton Rouge or bust.

During one of her numerous phone calls to Abby, they hit on the idea of stringing him along. It was the same kind of juvenile stunt they had pulled on numerous occasions when they were interns. It started as a tease. She knew it was really silly but she could not resist trying to get one over on him one last time. She had ten days paid leave at the end of her County contract. She originally intended to use the time to pack and move. But she had started packing weeks ago.

Everything was now packed and ready. The movers were due to collect it in the morning. She had stayed with Morris and Claudia last night. After her final day at work she was once again getting the red-eye to New Orleans. Then she would drive to Baton Rouge and surprise him at work. She knew it was quite simply silly but she could not resist. Anyhow, she could not wait another ten days to see him again. He was not expecting her for at least another week. In fact, he still was not certain that she was coming.

At the last minute, the whole thing seemed so infantile that she was going to phone him. When her flight was delayed, she felt guilty. Poor Ray still thought she was having doubts about him. Then Simon had appeared and all thoughts of phoning Ray disappeared as the pair sat together and made their peace. In that half hour together, she grew to admire the man very much. He was going to be fine without her. At least he was not holding onto hurt.

When she boarded the plane her thoughts turned to Ray once more. She remembered last Halloween when he dressed up as Frankenstein. She really wanted to surprise him in the same way. This was payback time. A mischievous smile spread across her features as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The drive from New Orleans went smoothly and soon she was pulling into the parking lot outside Le Chatelier Medical Center. She smiled as she tried to picture Ray's reaction. She knew his schedule. He was usually in the gym at this hour of the morning. Sure enough he was there. She smiled as he turned. She saw his double take, then the slow smile as he turned to walk towards her.

"Finally."

That one word said it all. She could feel their combined sigh of relief. They both were exactly where they should be, exactly where they wanted to be.

"You really here?"

"I really am."

They're silent for a few minutes just staring at each other then he asks.

"Have you to go back to Chicago again?"

"No. I'm all packed up."  
"You're definitely staying?"

"Absolutely!"

He grinned and shook his head.

"When do you start?"

"Ten days time."

"Any plans for the next ten days?"

"I don't know" she said coyly, "maybe I should go house hunting."

"Maybe you should."

They gazed at each other deeply for several seconds. Then both burst out laughing.

"C'mon," he whispered huskily as he caught her elbow and steered her out of the room. He led her to a small lounge and shut the door. Then he pulled her towards him, caught her face in his hands and kissed her deeply.

"I've been wanting to do that since I saw you."

"Me too."

"I've missed you."

"Mmm."

Then he stops and stares at her with a puzzled expression.

"What about Duke?"

She looks at him guiltily. But she cannot help grinning.

"I turned them down weeks ago."

"Wha… why didn't you tell me?"

"And miss seeing that look of surprise on your face? I don't know when I'll ever get a chance to surprise you like that again."

"This is payback for my Frankenstein act."

She grinned but did not respond.

He pulled her towards him once more and kissed her passionately.

Just then the door opened and they pulled apart, embarrassed.

As Neela turned, she noted the startled look on the other woman's face then a flash of something else.

"Sorry!"

"We should be the ones apologizing." Ray said.

Neela noticed the tension. Then Ray cleared his throat and said.

"Marissa, sorry, this is Neela Rasgotra. Neela is the new surgical attending. Neela, this is Marissa Martin, head of the PM&R unit."

Neela realized this was Ray's boss.

"Hello Neela," Marissa said extending her hand, "welcome to Le Chatelier" I hope you will be very happy here." She said with a pinched smile. She was a striking woman in her forties.

"Thanks."

Ray looked at Neela and said.

"You must be tired after your flight. What say, you go back to mine and get some rest. I'll be home by 6pm."

"Ok," Neela said in surprise.

"C'mon, I'll walk you out. Marissa, I'll catch you later."

Marissa smiled sadly and said, "Sure Ray. Neela nice to meet you, and welcome to Baton Rouge."

"Thanks."

Neela was puzzled as Ray hurried her away. Marissa may be his boss but it was not like Ray to be intimidated. He didn't seem to be intimidated. But something had definitely caused a sudden change in his demeanor and he had blushed. Ray never blushed. As the elevator doors closed the light dawned.

"Oh, my goodness, she's the one!"

"What?"

"She's your ex-girlfriend. **My God**, she's your ex-girlfriend."

"Neela, can you tone it down? he whispered anxiously.

"But," she almost shouted.

"Stop, I can't talk about this here." he hissed.

"But, I'm right aren't I?" she whispered excitedly.

He looked straight at her and said "Yes."

"How come you've never talked about her?"

"Because it's complicated."

"Because she's an older woman?"

"You know me better than that," he exclaimed gruffly. "Look," he said very softly, "she's my boss. It was a short-lived affair and it's over a long time. Nobody at work knows and we'd both like to keep it that way. In fact you're the only one who has ever suspected."

Just then the door opened on the first floor and someone got in.

"But," Neela started. Ray silenced her with a look.

"Please Neela, not here," he pleaded, "I promise, I'll explain everything. But wait until we're in the car."

His pager went as they stopped on the ground floor. He groaned. As he stepped out of the lift, he checked it and sighed,

"Damn, I'm needed urgently. Sorry Neela, this is going to have to wait 'til I get home. Please believe me when I say, there is nothing to worry about."

"Ok."

Just then his pager went again.

"Look, I really am sorry to leave things like this." He said plaintively. "But the explanation is long and complicated."

She smiled grimly, "I'm sure once you've had a chance to explain things everything will be fine."

Ray's shoulders slumped with relief.

"I promise they will. Here," he said as he handed her his apartment key and car keys. He pecked her on the cheek then stepped back into the elevator. She was left alone in the hospital foyer, still reeling, more from the fact of having been right than from shock.

What had she walked into? She really did not need more complications.

* * *

_You honestly did not think I would leave it there did you?? Enjoy the suspense!_


	44. Apologies

Later that day, Ray made his way slowly to his boss's office. Sarah told him to go straight in. He felt awful. He should have told her about Neela weeks ago.

"Hi Marissa. Can we talk?"

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

"I think you know what's on my mind."

She smiled sadly as he looked at her from under his eyebrows and continued with a grimace.

"Sorry you had to find out about Neela like that, I was not expecting her for another week or so."

"She's the one?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well I always knew there was someone else just as you knew I was still in love with Daniel."

"I … but I never spoke about her."

"You didn't have to Ray. Look, we both knew we were simply two lost and lonely souls reaching out for comfort. It was a time of transition in both our lives."

Ray was silent and Marissa continued.

"I'm just glad I met someone as kind and caring as you to support me through one of the most awful periods in my life. AND… I'm genuinely glad you're ready to move on."

That means a lot to me… … … … How have you been?"

". I …I still have a long way to go. I thought taking more time off would help but God Ray, I still miss Daniel so very much even though it's been more than a year. Having nothing to do did not help."

He could see she was close to tears.

She sighed and continued,

"I need to be able to throw myself into work for a while. But I realize I can't do that here. Le Chatelier is just not enough. Everything is too easy, too familiar and there are too many reminders of how good my life was. I need a change. I need a new challenge. I've applied to a number of NGOs to go overseas for a while."

"Are you sure that kind of pressure is a good idea?"

It still amazed Ray how relaxed and open their friendship remained.

"I need to be able to lose myself in my work. I can't do that here, not any more. There are too many reminders."

"This has nothing to do with me and Neela?"

"Absolutely nothing. Seeing you two together simply convinced me that my decision is the right one."

"Are you sure?"

"Ray, I've been thinking of this for a while. I handed in my notice this morning before I saw you and Neela."

"So you're leaving?"

"In three months time."

"I don't know what to say."

"Be happy for me, wish me well."

She glanced at her watch.

"Sorry Ray, I've my first patient in five minutes, I need to review his file."

"Yeah, sure. We'll talk again soon."

"Thanks again for everything and good luck for the future."

"Thank-you too. I don't know if I would ever have had the courage to cross that final hurdle with Neela if it were not for you."

* * *

Ray had set the rest of the afternoon aside for patient case reviews and paperwork.

He had half an hour before his first case conference so he collected the relevant files and went to the doctor's lounge. But he could not settle to work. His mind kept drifting back to him and Marissa and their time together.


	45. Simply acting on instinct

He remember it like it was yesterday.

It was the end of a very grueling Friday, the first week in November. Ray was in foul humor. He had been ever since his return from Chicago the previous week. He was still trying to make sense of why he had left Neela's apartment so suddenly.

The more he tried to make sense of his behavior, the more confused he became. He had been avoiding her phonecalls, but had been talking to her via texts and facebook. It was while he was mulling over things for the umpteenth time that Sarah found him and asked him to call by Marissa's office before he left for the weekend.

Marissa was one of the key organizers of an international PM&R conference straight after Thanksgiving. She was very busy and expected input from all her team. She wanted an update on Ray's trip to Chicago to review what had been presented at the training conference he had attended. He was annoyed about the short notice especially as he had not had an opportunity to go over his notes yet.

As soon as he had finished up for the day, he went to his locker to retrieve the notes. He sat to review them before heading to Marissa's office. His prostheses were pinching like hell today and he was tired which did nothing to improve his humor.

When he arrived it was shortly before 6pm and Sarah had already left for the day. The unit was quiet as most people had left for the weekend. He knocked on the door and probably because he was irritated at the short notice, he barged right in without waiting for a reply. The sight that met him took him by surprise.

Marissa Martin was sitting on the floor with papers strewn everywhere. She was in floods of tears. Ray stopped and stared.

"S-sorry, I shouldn't have barged in like that."

She looked up and made no attempt to hide her distress.

"What am I going to do? I can't do this," she said helplessly. Ray was taken aback. He had never seen this side of his chief before. She was distraught.

What happened next was a little surreal. He walked towards her and helped her up. Then he took her in his arms and held her. He simply held her and allowed her to cry. All the time she was mumbling,

"I miss him so much. I can't do this without him."

He said "Shh, take it easy, its going to be alright."

As he said those words, an image of Neela with her tiny hands covering her face flashed before him. He was back on the roof at County the day the news came through that Michael had died. He saw himself reaching out and holding her tight but that had never happened. But now, he was holding somebody. He felt odd but he could not let go. He was not sure what to do next so he just stood and held her.

Eventually she calmed down.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked gently. He felt a huge need to protect her.

She simply said "Sorry."

"Don't worry I know the last few years have been tough. It was bound to catch up with you at some point."

"I'm chief of the department, my residents should not see me like this." she said furiously wiping away the tears.

"I'm the only one who saw anything and I promise it will go no further."

She nodded.

"Look," Ray said, "this might be overstepping the mark. But you look like you need a break. Have you any plans for this evening?"

She shook her head.

"No, but I have a lot to do yet." She said as she gestured around her, "Even if I work late this evening, I'll be here most of the weekend."

"I have no urgent plans for the weekend. If you were willing to accept I could help."

He saw the gratitude in her eyes as she said.

"I'm not sure how you can help."

"Maybe just being here to support you will be enough. One thing I know, you need a break right now."

She shook her head and tears started to well once more.

"Why don't you come back with me and I'll cook you something. My ex-roommate said I was one of the best cooks she ever lived with."

"But, .." she said and pointed to the floor.

"You need a break, you can come back later," he said firmly. " I only live a mile away. You can come straight back. Look, it's boring cooking for one. I would love to cook for someone else for a change."

There was no ulterior motive to his offer. He just saw that she needed a little TLC. He understood that. He was surprised, however, when she accepted his offer so readily.

"Maybe you should lock the office and request that the cleaners not touch it this evening," he said gently.

She nodded meekly but made no move toward the phone.

"Is it OK if I phone?"

She nodded once more. She was allowing him to take charge. He had no choice so he picked up the phone, dialed through to the head of security, then he explained who he was and what he wanted. The security man would notify the cleaners.

"Ok, let's get out of here."

She followed obediently and locked the door behind her. When they arrived in the parking lot, she got into his car without even suggesting she follow in her car. Ray had no clear idea of what he was doing and he was puzzled by Marissa's submissiveness. All he knew was he had set a chain of events in motion and there was no backing out now.

When they got to his apartment, he set to getting some pasta and salad. He was not sure if she should drink or not but he offered and she accepted a glass of red wine so he took down two wine glasses and opened a bottle. As he cooked he noticed she was slowly coming to life.

"You feeling a bit better?"

She nodded.

"Sorry for that. Today is my wedding anniversary, I should have taken the day off. I would have if it were not for this blasted conference."

"I'm sorry. How many years?"

"Thirteen."

"Thirteen years. That's a long time."

"Yes, unfortunately I've nothing now but memories." The tears welled but she continued to talk.

"We had just decided to have children when Daniel was diagnosed Motor Neuron Disease. I failed to get pregnant during the time we had left."

The synopsis of her life story filled Ray with sadness.

Once she started talking about Daniel and her marriage, she could not stop. As she talked Ray cooked. She admitted that one of the hardest things was not having Daniel to talk to about work. He had always been her sounding board. Even in the last few months he had still been there for her.

"What about you Ray, has there ever been someone special in your life?"

Ray smiled sadly "You mean a serious, significant other?"

"Yes."

He scowled.

"No. I've always been a bit of a rolling stone." he said with a shrug as he expertly chopped vegetable for his salad. Marissa noted the sadness but said nothing. She knew instinctively he was not being completely honest but she opted to respect his privacy and so did not pry. After that, they had a lovely evening together and fell into a surreal but easy familiarity.

Time passed. They finished a bottle of wine and opened another. Both got quite tipsy but it felt good. It was like time was on hold. Neither was giving any significant thought to what they were doing. They were living in the moment. They simply talked and laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. At some point much later on, they kissed. Then she looked up at him and said with tears in her eyes,

"I don't want to be alone tonight."

"You're not alone," he replied and he began to kiss her again very gently. Then as she responded, the kisses became more urgent. He caught her by the hand and led her to the bedroom. She did not resist.

This was the most comfortable he had felt with any woman since his accident. Maybe because she had exposed her own vulnerability, it felt like they were on an even playing field. Maybe because she had seen him at his lowest on that first awful week after he arrived in Baton Rouge and yet was not turned off. He was touched that she had turned to him and sought his comfort and protection. Whatever it was, as he sat on the bed and she helped him remove first his trousers, then his prostheses it was the first time since his accident that he felt completely comfortable as he started making love. Each could see the lust and passion in the other's eyes.

She stood before him and undressed slowly each gesture provocative and seductive.

"Come to me," he said hoarsely, his voice charged with emotion as he moved himself up the bed and onto the pillows. And she did. Each was surprised by the passion and the energy. They kissed hungrily. Yes, there was some fumbling and changing of position; but they laughed through the awkwardness and had fun discovering what pleased the other. He held her breasts in his hand and as he caressed them and squeezed her nipples, she moaned and ran her fingers along his torso. Electricity seared across his skin.

God, he wanted her so badly.

He pulled her towards him and they kissed hungrily once more. She was close to forty maybe older but she still had a beautiful body. She was slim with small breasts and beautiful big nipples. It registered somewhere but really did not matter. He was simply lost in the moment enjoying pleasuring her, enjoying responding. He felt reckless and free and just wanted to make mad passionate love to this beautiful woman before him. He tickled her ear with his tongue and she groaned. Then he trailed kisses from her chin down her neck to her breast bone. He reached and caught her left nipple in his mouth. He felt it grow instantly hard between his teeth. He heard her moan again as she caressed her tummy, her groin and her crotch.

Then she caught him by the shoulders and pushed him back in the pillows. She bit his earlobe and it was his turn to groan. The electricity coursing from one to the other was incredible. Each was hungry for the other. She trailed tiny bites across his collar bone and his whole body was on fire. He lay back and moaned as he felt himself grow harder. Then she caressed his penis with her tongue and he thought he would explode.

"I want you in me," he heard her say ever so softly. He could hardly move so he simply groaned huskily,

"Then come to me."

With that she was on top of him and he could feel her warm moistness as she lowered herself onto his erect penis. Then he was in her thrusting wildly.

She moaned, she groaned and caressed her body from groin to breast in long slow movements. She kneaded his torso and he thrust harder. She could feel her insides explode as he thrust himself deep into her. God she wanted him so badly. She was in a kneeling position leaning back on her hands holding her body erect as she felt him thrust. Eyes closed and head thrown back she allowed the electricity to coarse through her.

"Yes," she groaned. "Yes. Yes." Oh God it was beautiful as she felt herself climax, the fireworks, the electricity. All other thoughts were banished, as she cried out in ecstasy. "Yes, yes, YES." Her screams grew louder and more urgent as she climaxed. Then she shuddered and was still as a warm wave of satisfaction enveloped her. She could feel Ray still thrusting in her then he came too. She started to cry softly as she felt a warm ebb and flow deep within her.

He was ecstatic as the final jolt shook him to his core. Then lying back, spent, he enjoyed the aftershocks that flowed through his body. Eyes closed, he savored the moment. He could feel himself drifting to sleep but was roused by the feeling that something was not quite right. He opened his eyes and could see both ecstasy and agony etched on her features. She was still almost upright astride him with tears coursing down her face. He reached for her and pulled her towards him saying ever so gently "Come and lie with me."

She moaned and started to cry silently as she moved to lie beside him. He took her gently in his arms, held her and allowed her to cry.

He held her close to him and breathed into her hair. Then she turned towards him and he held her as the tears subsided and they both calmly drifted to sleep.


	46. No strings

Thus began six very complicated but exciting weeks in Ray's life. He never before told so many lies and half truths. But it was for the best he reasoned. Both he and Marissa knew they were not going to last. But for now they lived in a glorious bubble. It would be professional suicide for her, in the small environment they moved in, if they went public. Ray understood that and after the first night, there were no indiscretions. Neela was the only one who even knew he had a girlfriend and that was just because she had caught him off balance when she asked about Thanksgiving. When she asked where they'd met he fumbled and said the gym. That was almost the truth. From then on he avoided the subject.

The relationship was unusual and extremely discreet. But that was what they both needed. There were no open demonstrations of affection. They met only at her place, which she had always kept off-limits from her colleagues. Jake, Jenny or somebody else from work could have called by his place unannounced so that was out of bounds. The secrecy added to the excitement for Ray.

They had spent most of that first weekend in her office. When they were not at the office, they were at her place. Yes, they had spent a considerable amount of time making love. At her office they had fallen into an easy work rhythm and by Monday she was getting on top of things. She appointed him her assistant until after the conference. Although unusual, everybody supported and approved of the decision. Sarah, the department secretary, although responsible for much of the coordination and admin in the lead up, rarely traveled to conferences and was more than happy to pass over responsibility to Ray. He and Marissa would be working closely with a team from Atlanta and a team from Savannah.

When she announced two days before Thanksgiving that Ray was traveling to Georgia to help with the conference, nobody batted an eyelid. Everybody knew the strain she had been under since Daniel's death so they were glad she was taking support and being the junior and least experienced member of the team, Ray was the obvious choice as the more experienced people were needed at the clinic while Marissa was absent.

Marissa and Ray actually worked very well together over the next few weeks. They had fun at work and at play. They carried on under everybody's noses and nobody suspected a thing. That made it all the more exciting. It was exactly what they both needed. And yes, the sex was great. For the first time since his accident, Ray felt confident about his love-making while at the same time feeling protective of Marissa. They were both having fun.

She, in turn, was incredibly kind and patient. He was not the love of her life. She was not the love of his life. But because neither were under any illusions, they could simply enjoy each other. There was no pretence, just this incredible mutual respect and red, hot chemistry. It was a glorious affair with an end somewhere down the track.

For Thanksgiving, there was Georgia. Five glorious, albeit, busy days, by the sea. The conference centre, in an exclusive resort down the coast from Savannah was fantastic. They arrived late Wednesday evening and the conference did not start until Friday evening. The organizing committee from Savannah had been there most of the day doing final checks. Ray and Marissa were to run through a series of check-lists before their colleagues left for their respective Thanksgiving celebrations. They were due to meet again at 8am Friday morning. Friday promised to be hectic. But Thursday was all theirs.

After a late supper, they went to bed, both exhausted. They had adjoining rooms with a shared living room. They slept in Marissa's king size bed. They curled in each other's arms and slept. In the morning, they made passionate love. Later they ordered a sumptuous breakfast in bed. Then they lay in bed and lazed. For today was theirs. There was no conference preparation to distract them. Everything was in place for the following morning when all hell would break loose again in the final run-up to the conference.

There was a special Thanksgiving dinner due to start in the hotel at 6pm but they had a few hours to kill first. Marissa booked some beauty treatments and a hairdresser's appointment for the afternoon. She decided to go for a swim and sauna first. Ray went for a run along the beach. It was a beautiful Fall day with temperatures in the high seventies as he put on his cheetahs and prepared to hit the beach.

As Ray descended the steps to the beach, he was overcome by a wave of nostalgia. This was his first time on a beach since his accident. He gulped as he felt the unexpected wave of emotion. He moved toward a wooden bench and sat for a long time staring out to sea. He remembered his last time on a beach. He and an ex-girlfriend had spent a fun week in Florida.

They had played beach volleyball, they'd surfed and snorkeled. That had been his one and only time surfing and he had really enjoyed it. It had been an incredible challenge learning to balance on the board. But he mastered it. After all he was an expert skateboarder and both sports were similar. He smiled as he remembered those far off days. Maybe some day he'd learn to surf again. With that thought, he stood and started to jog slowly along the beach.

He had never run on sand before. It was different. He took it slowly learning to balance and pace himself in a whole new way. It was far more strenuous than running on a hard surface or even on grass. But it made for a good work out. He ran along the beach for about two miles then turned and ran back the same way. When he reached the bench he sat again and looked out over the mighty Atlantic. Considering it was the open ocean, it was relatively calm. He sat for a long time just watching the ebb and flow enjoying the calm.

He looked down to where his Cheetahs touched the sand and sighed. He imagined how it would be to feel sand between his toes. Maybe that was a memory he couldn't be sure. He remembered a time when he stood on the waters edge allowing the ebb tide to suck the sand out from under his feet. He smiled as he remembered the strange sucking, tickling sensation underfoot something he would never again experience. He was jolted from his reverie as she sat down beside him and kissed his shoulder.

"Penny for your thoughts," she said.

"Hey! How's the pool?" he said as he turned and smiled.

"Crowded, that's why I came looking for you. How was your run?"

"Strange." He turned and looked away. "This is the first time on a beach since my accident. It's been weird."

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. It's just a long time since I was hit by a bout of nostalgia. I guess I will from time to time experience firsts," he shrugged and they both sat in silence for a while.

"Ray!"

"Yeah!"

"I'm glad you came."

He turned and looked at her then kissing her ever so gently on the lips said,

"Me too."

"My beautician's appointment is at three and then the hairdresser is at four. Do you fancy grabbing some lunch first?"

"That would be good."

"We can go to the bar by the pool."

"Will you order, I need to go change first. I won't be long."

"Sure. Is a club sandwich OK?"

"Yeah. Could you order me a coke as well?"

"No problem. Come on," she said as she took his hand and helped him up.


	47. Threads unfurl

Georgia was a great success. Marissa was happy for weeks after. They continued their clandestine affair. They met as often as they could and enjoyed each other's company.

They did not discuss plans for Christmas.

On the spur of the moment, Marissa decided to visit her family in LA for Christmas and New Year. Without discussing it, Ray said, he would join her for New Year. Marissa seemed nonplused. The first chinks had started to appear.

When Ray announced on Christmas Day that he was going to visit Brett in LA for New Year, Jaycee thought nothing of it. He arrived on the 30th and they booked into a hotel together for the night. Neither felt comfortable with the notion of Ray meeting Marissa's family. Brett had a gig out of town that night and so the question of meeting with him and the band never arose. No doubt, Marissa's family suspected that she was meeting a man. They never asked and she never told them how she spent the night. They had a pleasant enough evening but the chinks were very quickly becoming cracks.

Marissa had plans for New Year's Eve so they rang in the New Year separately, Ray with Brett and his friends, Marissa with her family. They met for a quiet brunch on New Years day but the excitement had fizzled. The cracks were widening very fast.

Both knew it had always been a passing thing. Nonetheless, Ray ached when he saw the sadness in her eyes. He wished he could get rid of it but he knew he could not do that. Only time would do that. She still missed her husband dreadfully.

They were flying home separately. She was leaving that evening. He was not leaving until the following afternoon. They kissed goodbye and went their separate ways.

That night, he went out on the town with Brett, met someone and brought her back to Brett's. It was just a one-night stand but for the first time, he didn't feel in the least self-conscious. She was nice and was more intrigued than bothered by his prostheses. The sex was good but it was just that, sex. He felt empty. He was behaving like an asshole.

He and Marissa were not avoiding each other. They simply were not seeking each other out any more. The gulf grew ever wider. They were to all intents and purposes over. He knew he had to take action. One Friday evening toward the end of January, he found himself outside her office. It was after six o'clock and Sarah had left for the evening. He knocked and waited for her summons, no barging in, this time.

"Come in."

He entered and shut the door. She was sitting at her desk.

"Ray!"

"How've you been?"

She shrugged.

"That good, huh?"

"Sorry Ray, I…I should have called."

He looked at her compassionately.

"Hey Marissa, I could have called too."

"Why didn't you?"

"I decided to wait."

"I…I'm sorry," she said and the tears started to fall. "I guess we're over."

He smiled sadly and said with a shrug,

"I guess we are."

And that was it. No screaming, no recriminations, just a whimper. Their affair had fizzled.

"Are you OK Marissa?"

"I've been better. I've decided to take some time off. I'm going to California to stay with my family for a while. I… I just need some time."

She looked up and said,

"Jake Walsh is going to be my locum again."

Ray nodded.

"I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. You're a wonderful woman Marissa. I've really enjoyed our time together."

"Me too." She said through the tears. "I would never have gotten through Thanksgiving and Christmas without you. But now it's time to move on."

"Hey, I don't usually wax lyrical, but you've given me back my manhood. Literally!" Ray said with a lopsided grin. "I owe you a lot. If you ever need my help and support, you only have to ask."

With that, he walked round her desk, took her in his arms, hugged her and kissed her on the forehead.

"You take care of yourself." he said, his gravelly tones soothing the tension.

"Thanks Ray, you too."

Smiling he turned to leave then said, "See you when you get back."

She nodded, too overcome to speak.

* * *

The next two weeks were hazy.

Work was busy and he was writing and recording a lot. He was compiling an album of his own with some of his own material and some cover versions. If it were ever released remained to be seen but he knew he would be able to sell certain tracks to the band if they ever recorded another album.

On 13 February, Jake found him by the post box in the hospital foyer.

"Talk about a case of déjà vu. Mind you, your expression does not look as murderous as on the last occasion."

Ray laughed.

"God, that was a long time ago."

"You've come a long way since."

"Yeah," he replied wistfully.

"So, no incendiary letters this time?"

"No, this is just an innocent CD." he said as he dropped the parcel in the mailbox.

Strange the last time he had been mailing something to Neela too. Yes, he thought life wascertainly better now.

"You expect me to believe that you are sending an innocent package to somebody for Valentine's Day."

"Valentine's Day?" Ray said with a puzzled frown.

"Yes. Last I checked, tomorrow was the fourteenth of February."

"God. I hadn't realized what day it was. Ah well! What will be, will be."

She had phoned for his birthday and sent a small gift. The CD was simply his way of saying thank-you. She phoned on the 15th to thank him. He was going to ask if she was with the Dick on the 14th but he decided he did not want to know. After all, they were still talking; he did not want to jeopardize that.

Then, she was there for Mardi Gras and the rest as they say was history.


	48. Muddy waters

Ray was not prepared for the storm that awaited when he arrived home from work.

Neela was furiously cleaning the house.

"Neela, leave that please."

"Why can't you take care of your living space?" she fumed.

"Neela, it's fine. Anyhow, my cleaner comes tomorrow."

"You've got a cleaner?" she cried incredulously.

He smiled.

"Yes. She comes once a week. It's money well spent."

"Oh." she flustered but said no more.

He noted her agitation and knew they needed to get everything out in the open.

"I spoke with Marissa this afternoon." he started, "She wishes us well."

"Do you really expect us to work together now that we know about each other?" she replied in exasperation.

"That's not a problem. Marissa handed in her notice this morning."

"How convenient." she responded sarcastically. "When did she decide to leave, before or after she learnt about me?" She knew she was over-reacting but she couldn't help herself. She had left her old life behind for Ray and now she felt vulnerable.

"Neela. Can we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about? You had an affair with your boss. You say it's over."

"Neela, it's been over since the New Year."

"So you say."

"Neela, please I want to tell you everything."

"Why now, why not before?"

"Because…"

He paused and looked at her. He knew he had to tread carefully. Typical him, he had not expected her to be so upset.

"Neela, Marissa is not a threat to us. She really is genuinely happy for us."

"Ray, she was your boss. How could you? Did she help you get your job?"

"I cannot believe you just asked that." he said angrily.

"Well, I'm sure it's what others are thinking." she lashed out.

Ray could feel his temper rising.

"Nobody knew about us and that's the way we want to keep it. It started after I became an R2."

"And that makes it OK?" she asked incredulously.

"Look Neela," he said firmly, "we need to talk about this calmly. But we can't talk when you're like this."

"Me like this? So now it's my fault, is it? What about you?"

Ray took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. Thank goodness for his regular councelling sessions after his accident. He had learnt a lot about conflict resolution. If he over-reachted they were lost.

"Look before either of us say something we might regret, I'm going for a run. I want to talk about this when we're both calm and rational."

"So now I'm irrational, am I?"

"Look Neela. This conversation is over, I'm going for a run." he shouted.

With that, he stormed out of his apartment banging the door behind him and went to his SUV. His Cheetahs and running gear were in the back. He was furious but thank goodness, he had said nothing to make a bad situation worse.

He really needed to calm down and clear his head before he talked to Neela. He hoped by the time he returned, they would both be calmer. Right now, he was fuming and he knew she was too. He sat on the back- board and changed into a singlet right there in the parking lot. He didn't care who saw him. Then he changed his prostheses and put on cut off tracksuit bottoms. As he changed, he was conscious of her watching him from the window but he did not look up or wave. He stood up, closed and locked the car, did some stretches and warm-up exercises then set off.

* * *

Neela watched Ray leave. She knew he was angry and she started to feel guilty for her outburst. He was right, she had not given him a chance to explain. She had had all day to think about Ray and Marissa and her imagination had run away. She went to the balcony, sat on a lounger and allowed the tears to flow unchecked as she looked out over the great Mississippi. She hoped she had not made the biggest mistake of her life. Right at this instant, she wished she was back in Chicago getting ready for a shift at County. But no; deep down she knew she had to give this a go. If she didn't, she'd always wonder.

* * *

_As usual thanks for reviews. Enjoy the bumpy ride to the end. Not far now._


	49. What now?

By the time Ray returned from his run, he was in a more positive frame of mind. She was asleep on a lounger on the balcony. His heart melted as he watched her. She looked so small and lost. His every instinct was to protect her. He let her sleep and went for a shower.

She was still asleep when he was dressed. It was almost 7pm and the evening was getting cool so he fetched a throw to put over her. She stirred to pull the cover round her but did not wake. He smiled. He really was glad she was here. Now it just remained to convince her.

He started to prepare supper. It was light just some salads, cold cuts, cheese and fresh bread. He had stopped by the French deli on the way home from his run.

When he was almost ready, he went to wake her. He kissed her gently on the forehead and she stirred.

"Hey sleepy-head," he said gently, "wake up or you won't sleep at all tonight."

She stretched and looked up at him.

"H…how was your run?" she asked awkwardly not able to look him in the eye.

"Good," he smiled, "It's helped me let off some steam." he said with an awkward grin, "How was your sleep?"

"I…I'm sorry about earlier. I guess I was overtired."

"I'm sorry too but let's talk about things later. Why don't you go freshen up? I'll have everything laid out by the time you're ready. I picked up some food at the French deli on the way home."

"That sounds great." she said, as she stood up. " Do I have time for a quick shower?"

"Sure, take as long as you need. Should I open a bottle of wine?"

"Yeah, why not?"

* * *

An hour later and they were both seated on the sofa with a glass of wine. "OK, I guess it's time for me to explain about Marissa."

"You don't have to, I was overreacting."

"I do Neela. I really do not want any secrets between us. Anyhow, it's important that you know the truth. Now I guess, I just have to figure out where to start."

"The beginning."

"Yeah, the question is, where is the beginning? Well, for starters, I never went looking for a relationship with Marissa, it just kind of happened."

"Oh?"

"It was about a week after I'd been to Chicago and I was still trying to figure out you and me."

"You and me?"

He looked at her, "Yeah, I knew I ran away that night, I just couldn't understand why."

"Well have you figured it out now?"

"Yeah, but you'll have to wait until I've finished telling you about Marissa to hear what I've got to say."

He smiled and started his tale.

"Marissa was preparing for a big PM&R conference and giving us all extra work. Last thing one Friday evening, her secretary called me asking for a report on the conference in Chicago. Needless, to say I was pissed at being delayed and of course, I did not have anything prepared."

This was so typical of Ray. Neela smiled and shook her head as he continued.

"By the time I had my things together and made my way to her office, her secretary had already left. I was in a hurry so I knocked and barged straight in; and there she was."

He gestured with his hand to a spot in the centre of the floor.

"Where?" Neela asked with a quizzical frown.

"She was sitting on the floor of her office with papers strewn all around. She was having some sort of melt-down."

Neela found the image difficult to reconcile with the thoroughly professional, polished woman she had met earlier today.

"Neela, Marissa was in the same category as Susan Lewis or Carrie Weaver for me."

Neela raised her eyebrow.

"Well maybe more Susan than Carrie."

She laughed.

"The fact is Neela, I had never thought of her as anything other than my boss. I was shocked to see her so helpless and I guess I just went with my instincts."

"What did you do?"

"I simply took charge." he said with a casual shrug. "I offered to take her home and cook dinner for her and she didn't object. It was not a come-on. Honest." He looked at her beseechingly.

"I was not being smooth. I just wanted to help to do the right thing. However, I was surprised she accepted. It was like, she was just glad that someone else was taking charge. Even then, I was just offering dinner and sympathy, nothing more."

"So how did you end up together?"

"I'm not entirely sure and I know this is clichéd but it just kind of happened."

"That sounds very clichéd."

"I know."

He frowned.

"I think we both needed a no-strings attached affair to take us from one part of our lives to another. I think the fact that we'd seen each other at our most vulnerable just meant our defenses were lowered."

"What do you mean exactly?" he could see the hurt in her eyes as she asked. Nonetheless, he knew he had to continue. He could not look her in the eye so he stared at his hands as he said very quietly.

"She was my admitting doctor when I arrived in Baton Rouge. She was there when I had my melt-down and OD'd. So she saw me at my lowest and I guess I'm the only one of her registrars or attendings to have seen her out of control."

"What caused her melt-down?"

He looked at her.

"Her husband of thirteen years died just over a year ago, she was coming to terms with her loss. She still is, that's why she's leaving. There are too many reminders here, she needs a change of scene. He was her life."

"So you were a distraction."

"I guess so." he shrugged.

"Does that not bother you?"

Ray stopped to ponder. What he and Marissa had, was special and let's face it the sex had been great but Neela did not need to hear that. Anyhow, it was over and would never threaten what he and Neela had. He reflected on what to say.

" Let's see! It really does not bother me, you see I believe I was also a support to her and it felt good to be needed to be leaned on, if only for a while."

"And what was she to you?"

Ray looked at her with a penetrating gaze. He could see she was jealous he pondered for a long time how to continue. Then he placed his wine glass on the coffee table; and grinning, took hers and placed it next to his. He stood took her hand and said, "Come with me."

Puzzled she followed.

He led her to the bedroom and sat on the bed.

"Can you help me?"

She was puzzled.

"What has this got to do with you and Marissa?"

"Please Neela, humor me. Can you help me?"

"What help do you need?"

"Can you help me take off my prostheses?"

She hesitated, shrugged awkwardly and asked gruffly,

"What do you want me to do?" She was obviously uncomfortable.

"Here, let me show you."

With that, he guided her hands to the top of his left prostheses and showed her how to remove it.

"Can you lean it against the wall?"

She leaned the prostheses against the wall and when she turned, he handed her the second. She couldn't look him in the eye. When she turned round, he was removing his trousers. Still not 100% certain what was going on, she just stood awkwardly, watched and waited.

He sat on the bed with his stumps dangling over the edge, looked up at her and smiled confidently.

"Look at me Neela. What do you see?"

"I…"

He could see the pain and confusion in her eyes as she shook her head.

"Is this some sort of test?" she asked as tears welled.

"No. Or if it is, it's testing me as much as you."

"I don't understand."

"Neela, what do you see when you look at me?"

"I see you." she replied defensively.

"I know you see me." he said firmly. "Describe me."

"Ray…"

"Please," he says with a lopsided grin, "humor me."

She smiled back and felt herself relaxing as she replied coquettishly. "You've dark hair, green eyes that seem to change color depending on the light and what you're wearing and you've a really lovely smile."

"How tall am I?"

"Six foot, I think," she shrugged.

"Neela, I'm actually only four foot two unless I'm wearing my prostheses. Is there anything else you have not mentioned?" he encouraged.

"You're a double amputee. That's what you want me to say, isn't it?" she said, her voice quivering.

"Yes," he says staring intensely at her.

"But it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters. It's part of who I am now. I'm a different person to who I was two years ago. Heck, you're a different person too."

"You're not that different. Anyhow, it really does not matter to me."

"I know that, but you still find it hard to accept. Heck, I still find it hard to accept. There are so many things, which are different for me now. Bloody hell, even getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is a pain in the ass. It used to take about thirty seconds. Now it takes at least three minutes."

Despite herself, Neela laughed nervously.

"See, you can laugh at my self-deprecating jokes."

Neela smiled then asked, "Are we still talking about you and Marissa?" as she sat next to him on the bed.

"No, we're talking more about me and why I ran that night in Chicago and why I needed Marissa in my life for a while."

"OK, so why did you run that night?"

"Haven't you guessed by now?"

"I'm not sure, tell me!"

He reached out caught her hands and pulled her closer then continued,

"Back then, I still was not ready to let you see me like this."

"But I had already seen you."

He bit his bottom lip.

"But only when I was in hospital and that was awful." His eyes welled up and he stopped and gulped.

"What about when you came to visit, I saw you changing for your run?"

Ray grimaced, then cleared his throat and said, "That was different, we weren't getting intimate. But back at the apartment I was not 100% comfortable. I don't think you were either."

"I was Ray. I really wanted you to stay that night."

Tears were streaming down Neela's face but she did not realize she was crying until he wiped them away with his thumb.

"I guess I just was not ready. I thought I was but I wasn't. Somewhere deep inside, I was not ready for you to see me like this. I was not ready to let down that last barrier."

"It doesn't matter to me how you look."

"But it's difficult."

She looks at him but does not answer. He can see the sadness in her eyes.

"It was for me too. I hadn't actually admitted it to myself but it mattered; a lot. It was actually easier meeting new people. They had no preconceived notions of who I was. Because there had been others since my accident, it took me a long time to figure out the problem. Until Marissa nobody got close. By that, I mean emotionally close. The fact that we were both vulnerable meant I was able to let her in. My disability was not a barrier. But she wasn't you and I wasn't Daniel. We were just using each other as replacements, good replacements but nonetheless replacements. The more time I was with Marissa, the more I thought of you and I eventually realized why I left that night. She only knew the new me. She was not comparing me to who I was before. When I was with her, I was not comparing me to who I was before. Let's face it I always was a vain bastard."

She laughs and the sound of her laughter is so good.

"I've missed you so much over the last two years." He reach out and stroked her cheek.

"Me too." she says, "It felt like part of me was missing."

"There was a physical part of me missing," he said sardonically, "but over time it was your absence from my life that was the biggest void."

She laughed nervously then became serious.

"Ray, you're still the same person to me. There is no difference between the old and the new you."

Smiling, he said, "It really doesn't matter any more does it. We're here, I'm where I want to be with the person I want to be with."

"Me too." She stopped then said, "You do know I love you."

"I always hoped deep down you did. But this is the first time you've told me." He was grinning so much his face actually hurt.

"Yes Ray, I love you very much."

"I love you too Neela and I am so very, very, very, glad that you have moved to Baton Rouge to be with me."

He turned and kissed her long and deep. Then she pulled back, looked up into his eyes and asked,

"So, we're good?"

"I think we're only going to get better. What about you?"

"Yeah. I think you're right. I'm really looking forward to building on what we've got. Now let's go finish our wine."

"Are you sure?" he asked raising his eyebrow and pouting suggestively. God, she could not resist that pout.

"Well, when you put it like that," she said standing and starting to unbutton her shirt.

"Come here you, let me do that."

With a deft move he pulled her to him and she fell beside him on the bed and started to laugh.

'Yes,' she realized. 'We're good. Very Good."


	50. Onward

"Ray?"

"Yes mom."

You'd just called round to collect some odds and ends you'd left behind when you moved out over a year and a half ago. They were clearing out your bedroom to turn it into a study for Jim so you need to either dump or move the remainder of your detritus.

"When we were moving the bed out, we found these. Did you ever clean under your bed?"

You laugh.

"Probably not; what have you got?"

She hands you two envelopes.

"They may not be important but I did not want to simply throw them away."

You recognise the envelopes and smile then throw them into the box.

"Thanks mom. The Christmas lights look good."

"You don't think they're overdone?"

"No worse than anybody else's house around here. Do you need any help before I go?"

"No thanks. Jim helped me earlier. I'm just glad we have his office sorted before the holidays. Dinner will be at eight. Don't be late."

"I'll do my best, you know what Neela's like."

* * *

Back at the apartment you hand Neela an envelope.

"What's this another Christmas card?"

"Open it."

"What is it?" she frowns. "That's my handwriting. Why would I address something to myself?"

"You'll have to open it to find out."

"She takes out several sheets of paper and recognition slowly dawns.

"My goodness; where did you get this?" she asks as she sits on the sofa.

"It was in my locker when I left county."

"How?"

You explain about the day she moved up to the surgical floor.

"My goodness," she exclaims, "Was this really only four and a half years ago?" Then she opens the letter and starts to read.

'_I can't start a letter to myself with '"Dear Neela," so here goes._

_I'm really sorry John Carter is leaving, he was such a good teacher and mentor. He has advised me to write to myself but I really don't know where to start.__ I have always been so academic and career focussed but this letter is going to be about the whole me; reason being, my biggest problem always has been keeping balance. _

_M__y biggest single reminder to me must be to keep balance. Career is important but there is a life outside of it. The past two years in particular have taught me that. I want it all, a satisfying career,__a loving husband, whom I love in return, 2.5 kids and the picket fence. Equally important, I also want to feel I belong and that I am valued. For so much of my life, because of my academic ability, that has been missing._

_I am so glad I decided not to take up my residency at University of Michigan. However, working in Minute Mart for the brief time I did was a real leveller. I want to be a doctor and I'm just so grateful I got the opportunity to return to County General and start my residency here. Here feels like home. I belong here. My friends are here. _

_I'm not really sure that Emergency Medicine is for me but it is excellent training__ until I decide what area suits me. Although I'm a thinker, research is not for me. Emergency medicine is forcing me to act faster, to think on my feet rather than pondering but I know, deep down, the fit is not perfect. I must continue to look out for new opportunities. I want to find the area of medicine where I fit best. I will keep looking until I find it._

_The most important thing that has come out of the last few years has been the friendships. Friendship, support and team-play are so important. I realise that now. As mentors John Carter, Luca Kovac and of course Susan Lewis and Carrie Weaver have been amazing but it is my peers and friends who are most important and not just among the doctors. I consider Haleh and Chuny genuine friends and Sam too, although she is more … "_(there's something scribbled out, it looks like ' bit of a' It's replaced with..)"_ prickly."_

Neela laughs.

"What?" you ask.

"I describe Sam as prickly."

You grin. "That seems fairly apt."

She continues to read.

"_I'm so glad I still have Michael. His letters brimming with __advice are such a help. I believe him being able to offload on me helps him too and learning what he faces every day helps me appreciate what I have here. Who knows maybe some day we'll get together again."_

She stops reading as she feels the tears starting to brim. You notice and decide to leave her for a while. You make your way to the kitchen and busy yourself making a sandwich. You make one for her too.

"_If, however, I'm to single out one friendship, I would have to say it is my friendship with Abby, I value most. Her wisdom and experience make her a valuable colleague. But she's so much more than that. Despite the age gap and the cultural difference, we get each other. She really is my very best female friend. She always knows exactly how to cut through the bullshit. She always has my back and I like to think I have her's too. She's like my big sister. Come to think of it Pratt and even Morris are like big brothers. But I know the other person who always has my back is Ray. I think I would trust both Ray and Abby with my life._

She stops to absorb what she has just read. Even then Abby and Ray had been the ones she relied on most.

_Tonight was amazing. It made me appreciate what a tight team, Abby, Ray and I have become. We are three such completely different personalities, but we work exceptionally well together. Despite his arrogance, Ray is a kind and caring person. I've seen that side of him since we moved in together. He really has surprised me over the past few months. But he needs to realise for himself what a good doctor he is and what a truly great doctor, he can actually become. I hope he decides to stay at County. I hope he decides to focus on his medical career. I would really miss him if he left._

_We three really were the three musketeers tonight and I want more of that. Apart from that I want to continue to grow and learn and leave my mind open to exploring new opportunities both professionally and personally. I wish I were brave enough to take more risks but not act impetuously. Abandoning Minnesota to work at Minute Mart was not my finest moment. If I had not gone for the safe option, the option expected of me, I would not have landed myself in that mess to start with. I never really wanted Minnesota. It was just the right thing to do. As usual, I was being the good girl._

_Promise to me, I will stick with Emergency Medicine until I find the better fit, I know it is out there. When I find that better fit, I will be the best I can possibly be._

She smiles as she reads the last line. She knows it was written tongue in cheek,

_Then I will commit to my man and set about planning the 2.5 kids."_

She bursts out laughing as she lays the letter aside.

You walk over and hands her a mug and a plate.

"Here, I thought you might be hungry."

"Thanks. Toasted cheese and a steaming mug of tea; how did you know?"

"You are so easily pleased."

"That's me, low maintenance."

"I wouldn't go that far but you'll do." you say as you bend down and kiss her. God you so love to kiss her.

"Well did you learn anything new?" you ask.

She shrugs.

"Not really, but it helped me realise that I am exactly where I want to be."

"Really?"

"Really. Here, do you want to read it?"

"Sure, why not? Here, this is mine. Believe it or not, it helped me with my career decisions last year."

You sit down and start to read her epistle as she opens your considerably shorter letter. The other letter is more business-like and to the point. You cringe as you realise it is all about you.

"You know what?" she says.

"What?"

"You've changed a lot since you wrote this."

"Mmmmm."

You can't say more.

When she finishes, she lays it aside and takes up her food. She eats as she waits for you to finish reading. She smiles at your various reactions. You figure she can guess exactly what you are reading at each given point. She reads you so well.

You finish reading and move towards her, "Arrogant, am I?"

"Well, you were back then. I also mention your kindness."

"That's right, you do," you say as you kiss her deeply.

"Well, you have the satisfying career. Do you think you've found the right man?"

"I believe I have," she says with a beguiling smile.

"We could trade up to the picket fence." you say as you gesture to your surroundings. You really love what she did with the Christmas tree. It was very British and that despite the fact she was Hindi.

"That was only a metaphor."

"Nonetheless…"

"Nonetheless…, what?"

"Here is hardly big enough for 2.5 kids."

She laughs, "They can wait?"

"You're willing to have my babies?"

She looks at you but does not respond immediately.

Then smiling she shakes her head,

"Of course, I would love to have your babies. In fact, I cannot imagine having anybody's babies other than yours."

You throat constricts as you caress her cheek with the back of your fingers and smile tenderly.

"OK, then."

"OK, just not today." she giggles.

Suddenly, you have an idea. You grin mischievously and start to remove your prostheses.

"What are you doing?" she asks in amazement.

"Bear with me."

"Ray?"

She stares at you as you get onto the floor and looks up at her.

"What in heavens name are you doing?"

"This is easier than getting down on bended knee."

"Wh…?"

You've caught her by surprise. Heck, you've caught you by surprise.

"Ok so it probably is not as aesthetically pleasing but it's the best I can do under the circumstances…

….So…o. Neela Rasgotra; will you marry me?"

She is so overcome that she merely shakes her head but cannot reply.

You smile but now you don't feel as sure of yourself. Maybe this was not the best idea ever.

"Well?"

She nods, but is still too overcome to talk. Then tears start to flow silently. Eventually she shudders and squeezes out a "Yes."

You heave a sigh.

"OK, can I get up now?"

"Yes." she says as she reaches to help you.

She's grinning like a Cheshire cat and you know your expression mirrors hers.

* * *

_Pure unadulterated schmalz, I know. But I make no appology!!_

_A more apt title might have been 'Letters across time.' Neela's letter was a late addition to the story._


	51. Epilogue

They sit side by side on the sofa still grinning like Cheshire cats.

If the truth be known, they're both a little shell shocked.

"How long had you been planning that for? she asks.

"I hadn't, that was totally spontaneous."

She bursts out laughing. Why, despite her well ordered life were all of the most critical decisions spontaneous and spur of the moment?

"Don't get me wrong," he continues "it's not that I haven't thought about it, it's just its always been somewhere in the future not right here, right now. When you started talking about 2.5 kids, the timing just seemed right somehow. No child of mine is going to be born out of wedlock."

"Ray, I'm not planning to get pregnant anytime soon!"

"Nonetheless, we both know where we're heading and where we want to head;" he scrunches his face and continues, "a bit of a cliché being that it's Christmas. I know a lot of couples get engaged for Christmas and I never intended being conventional. Nonetheless, I just knew the time was right so why wait?"

"Why indeed?"

"I don't even have a ring so we'll have to wait 'til after the holiday."

"Could we pick something together?"

"What, you mean you don't trust my taste?"

"No, I mean yes, oh God," she laughs "it' s just I want something simple and I really want both of us to like what I wear. Also, if we're getting married, I want us to be a team. So let's start the way we mean to continue."

"Anything you want my darling."

She stares at him.

"What?" he asks with a puzzled expression.

" 'Dahling' how very British?"

"Yeah, I've been living with this crazy Brit; I guess she's starting to rub off on me."

"Lucky you! ...

So o... Do we announce our news at dinner tonight?"

"Let's not; let's wait until you are wearing a ring."

"I never realized you were such a traditionalist."

"Like I said this crazy British woman is really starting to rub off on me."

With that, he leans over and starts to kiss her passionately.

"Ray." she interrupts.

"Yes Neela."

"It's nearly 6 o'clock."

He groans.

"We need to start getting ready."

"I know," he groans.

"We could shower together."

"Now you're talking." he says with a wicked grin. "Can you give me a hand?" he asks as he starts to put on his left prostheses.

She reaches for his right prostheses and fits it expertly. Then they make their way hand and hand toward the bathroom still grinning like Cheshire cats.

Both realize, they are probably going to be late for dinner.

* * *

Do I really need to add 'The End.' ??


End file.
